The Bad Puns Thread

[Carol the Dabbler]

What do you get when the Pope takes a dump?

 

Holy crap!

 

 

I actually liked that one. (Heaven help me!)

[Arcadia]

Because apparently I don't have a life:

 

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in their craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

 

Why did the golfer bring two pair of pants to the game?

In case he got a whole in one.

 

 

Two vultures get ready to board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

 

 

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

 

 

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

[jesskayding]

I can't believe this thread has made it to two pages. There's just something about it, like a bad accident, you just can't look away.

 

Ok so I cheated:

 

1. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

3. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

[jesskayding]

That Amal joke was actually quite cute. I liked it a lot.

[Carol the Dabbler]

We need to start a new thread, "The Really, Really Awful Puns Thread."

 

[Arcadia]

Or you could just change the name of this one.

[Carol the Dabbler]

Not really -- some of these are only mildly awful! 

 

[Arcadia]

Really? Hmm, I must be falling down on the job, then...

[jesskayding]

Here's some more enjoy

 

 

 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road.

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

[Carol the Dabbler]

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey you, get out -- we don't serve ropes here!" So the rope leaves, but every time he walks by the bar, he notices how lively the place is, and how happy everyone seems in there, and he just keeps feeling more and more lonely.

 

So finally he gets an idea. He ties one end of himself around and around until he has a ball there that looks like a head with just a little end piece sticking out the top, and then he frazzles that end out to look like hair. After one last look in the mirror for confidence, he marches back down to the bar, walks in and plunks down on a stool.

 

The bartender walks over, eyes him, and says suspiciously, "Hey, ain't you that rope that tried to come in here last week?"

 

To which the rope replies with great dignity, "I'm a frayed knot!"

[Arcadia]

ARGHGHGHG!

[Bendydoodle Cantaloupe]

Arcadia, how about you just

 

 

for a bit, okay?

[Arcadia]

*whimper*

[jesskayding]

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey you, get out -- we don't serve ropes here!" So the rope leaves, but every time he walks by the bar, he notices how lively the place is, and how happy everyone seems in there, and he just keeps feeling more and more lonely.

 

So finally he gets an idea. He ties one end of himself around and around until he has a ball there that looks like a head with just a little end piece sticking out the top, and then he frazzles that end out to look like hair. After one last look in the mirror for confidence, he marches back down to the bar, walks in and plunks down on a stool.

 

The bartender walks over, eyes him, and says suspiciously, "Hey, ain't you that rope that tried to come in here last week?"

 

To which the rope replies with great dignity, "I'm a frayed knot!"

 

That was pretty bad.

[Carol the Dabbler]

Thank you! 

 

[jesskayding]

I am copying & pasting. I apologize in advance.

 

 

1. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

2. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

 

3. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

4. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

 

Sadly I found that last one funny.

[Arcadia]

*twitching feebly in the corner*

[Bendydoodle Cantaloupe]

Here's a few visual puns...

 

 

 

[jesskayding]

I like it's soda pressing.

[Bendydoodle Cantaloupe]

Alright, lemme tell you a little story:

 

There once was a guy who indulged in the strangest, weirdest tastes to date. Slowly, these fetishes and obsessions became more and more perverse, but it was only until he spanked a statue that he realised that he had hit rock bottom.

[Arcadia]

grglg......

[jesskayding]

Alright, lemme tell you a little story:

 

There once was a guy who indulged in the strangest, weirdest tastes to date. Slowly, these fetishes and obsessions became more and more perverse, but it was only until he spanked a statue that he realised that he had hit rock bottom.

 

 

That was really bad.

[Bendydoodle Cantaloupe]

[Bendydoodle Cantaloupe]

Disgustingly Awful Sherlock Puns.

 

 

 

[Bendydoodle Cantaloupe]

Triple whammy.

 

 

^The star of David.