If John and Sherlock parented Baby Watson at 221B

[sfmpco]

Okay, I'm starting this thread to continue on with some fun musings regarding what would happen IF Sherlock and John had to rear Baby Watson by themselves.

 

Madness would ensue!

• Mrs. Hudson would take on a grandmotherly role and end up babysitting A LOT.
• Sherlock being completely inept and changing diapers while wearing full safety gear - even picking up the soil diapers with kitchen tongs to transfer them to the garbage
• Sherlock visiting Lestrade over a murder and Sherlock having a bit of baby vomit on his shoulder that he forgot to clean off.
• John pacing all night with a crying baby and Sherlock yelling "shut up!" and the baby shutting up.
• Sherlock trying to calm the crying baby in all sorts of unusual ways that no normal parent would ever consider.
• John coming back from an errand to find Sherlock asleep on the sofa with the baby on his chest
• Sherlock sitting at his computer looking at the same types of crime scene pictures he showed Archie but with Baby Watson in his lap
• Sherlock reading bedtime stories to baby Watson that are murder mysteries
• Baby Watson's first word is "murder"

Okay.... keep going

[SherlockedCAMPer]

• Sherlock tells John to get the bottle ready as the baby's hungry & John is confused until the baby starts crying

Sherlock warns John not to hold the baby over his head as she just ate, then John finds out that Sherlock was correct with that advice as he cleans himself off

Sherlock plays the violin for the baby to get her to sleep and in the process composes a new piece just for her.

Sherlock explains some of his research on the tensile strength of natural fibers or how to identify various types of ash during her feedings.

Sherlock is running around London with a baby carrier or mobi wrap strapped to him (baby in the carrier is optional) trying to solve a case. (Can we re-do ASiP where they are looking at Jennifer Wilson's body and Sherlock has the baby strapped to him as he examines the body and makes his deductions? I realize the skip diving he does afterwards would not work so well with the baby.)

Lestrade stops by, sees Sherlock dancing with Baby Watson and films it on his phone

[joanneta1]

While John is out on some errand, Archie's mother visits because she was good friends with Mary, but Archie is interested in the baby in her cot near the sofa, so she leaves him there to go shopping.

Sherlock has to keep the budding genius interested by giving him a murder mystery in instalments for Archie to solve, while at the same time Little Miss is whimpering in her cot, so he leaves Archie to pace up and down in order to think thinks through, picks little Mary Elizabeth Sheralyn up from her cot and lies full length on the sofa with her on his chest, cradling her in his arms so that she lies with her head on the left side, and uses some mental calming exercises to slow down his heart rate, which she can then hear while he keeps up firing questions at Archie, until the boy resolves the problem. Whereupon, Sherlock gets up with the baby still in his arms, and lets Archie watch some particularly gruesome past case pictures as a reward, and at this point John enters the flat and sees, horror of horrors, his baby daughter being exposed to explicit violence!

Baby's first words would be Greg, from all the times both Lestrade and Watson have had to correct Sherlock in rather emphatic tones of voice!

[Inge l-w]

Oh, this is where we landed! Thanks sfmpco!

When an absolutely distracted John telephones Sherlock that Mary has gone missing, it hits him worse than anything before in his life!

He has made a vow that he would always be there for all three of them, and now he must keep his word. After all, John does not have any relatives that could help out. Now he needs to become Uncle Sherlock not in the abstract, but for real.

First order of business, tidy up the flat, so John and the baby can move in.

Yells for Mrs. Hudson, tells her to consult with her friend Mrs Turner next door about setting the flat in order, including John's old bedroom and the spare room next to it.

Takes a cab to John's flat, asks him to move back in until they find out what has happened to Mary.

John at first demurs but is finally persuaded, so they enlist the help of Mrs Kate Whitney next door to help pack all necessary things for an indeterminate stay in another location.

Phones Mycroft and asks to upgrade surveillance status on the flat itself, not just him and John.

Arranges with a former burglar friend to have the best alarm system installed in the flat ASAP.

Realises he will have to give up smoking in the flat and that he can never get on a high while she is there!

[sfmpco]

• Sherlock doing a chemical analysis on pre-packaged baby foods and bringing a lawsuit against a company for lying about their ingredients

Baby Watson has a mobile above her crib of the solar system, and Sherlock can't explain it to her so he makes up planetary names

Sherlock has been out and opens the 221B front door to immediately smell a dirty diaper, and he immediately walks back out.  Then he texts John that the baby needs changing.

Sherlock soaps the baby's hair into all sorts of interesting contortions

[joanneta1]

Oh, this gets better and better!

John has to go to work, so he leaves Sherlock to look after the baby.

That means Sherlock has to take on all the mundane, run-of-of-the-mill ordinary PI cases he previously found so boring, so he can resolve them sitting in  the flat and not going out to investigate, BORING but necessary, because Little Miss has to be watched over and Mrs Hudson is out shopping. He can't even yell for her to babysit.

Lestrade calls with an urgent request, but he is fobbed off with an abrupt "I am busy", until John comes back from work, when, breathing a sigh of relief, he texts Lestrade that he would be happy to give a helping hand.

In the meantime, the baby needs to be fed and cleaned up, so the kitchen table is used for diaper change duty, while the milk formula is being prepared in cutting-edge sterilising gadget, and he picks her up as gingerly as if she were made of crystal, to give her her bottle, burp her, and safely tuck her in in her crib, upstairs, when he plays one of Mozart's violin pieces for her, because of the Mozart music theory making babies smarter, which he does not believe in, but tries out, just in case.

By the way, she would have Mary's fine features and large eyes, tearing Uncle Sherlock's heart a bit every time he looks at her, with her gossamer fine, silky blond hair!

[sfmpco]

• Sherlock out with the baby getting unwanted attention from women and getting his picture in the paper with unwanted headlines

Sherlock teaching Baby Watson to walk and John missing out on the first steps

Sherlock coming up with all sorts of nicknames for Baby Watson like Soggy, Baldy..but in complete privacy calls her Sweetheart.

Sherlock purposefully dressing Baby Watson in odd ways because he's really covering up the fact that he adores her and doesn't want John to think he's gone soft.

[Inge l-w]

Oh, why not Precious, pray? It would even connect John's other famous character with this universe!

Sherlock and John being called out urgently by Lestrade on a mysterious case, and because Mrs Hudson is having a terrible time with her hip, Sherlock has the cab take them to the Diogenes club, marches in with Little Miss in his arms while John follows pushing her pram with all the necessary things for an outing, while Sherlock firmly plants her in Mycroft's arms, before the latter realises what hit him , leaves John to position pram next to Mycroft and heads right out again, while an anguished, semi-strangled scream of "Sherlock" erupts from the plainly discomfited Mycroft, and the only reply he gets is "Laters, brother mine."!

[sfmpco]

Yes, but we've heard him use the word "Sweetheart" in the outtake from TSOT... it just seems more natural... 

 

Having Baby Watson start wailing her head off in the silent Diogenes Club!  Hahaha!

[sfmpco]

Sherlock interviewing potential babysitters in the way that he interviewed David in Mary's wedding party.

[Inge l-w]

He just might hire the nurse in SoT, she is reasonably capable, trained and properly registered,

although he would certainly install all kinds of listening devices to monitor her when she is left alone with little Sheralyn, since he trusts no one but John!

Woe betide her if he found out that she left the baby wailing in the cot without doing anything about it, since some theories hold that babies must learn to deal with disappointment early on. His behaviour to her would be a repetition of what he did to the poor school mistress in the Fall.

Then, there would certainly be a high turnover of nannies for the baby, because he is a perfectionist himself and naturally expects it of others.

[J.P.]

John: Where is Sherly?

Sherlock: In the fridge. She was babbling bored all the time.

John: Whaaaat?

Sherlock: Don't worry, she has a head and some thumbs to play with.

[Inge l-w]

Oh, brilliant!

Sherlock: Don't worry about her, she's going to thaw out quickly. In the meantime, let's discuss the case of Isadora Persano and find out about the unknown worm in the matchbox!

John: You put my daughter in the fridge to solve a frigging case?

Sherlock: Well, I shouted for Mrs Hudson, but she couldn't hear me, so I thought of it as a temporary solution.

[joanneta1]

Yep! That's the spirit.

John: "If you ever do that again, I am moving out of here and taking her with me. Deal with that, you show-off!" while he rushes to the fridge.

Sherlock is struck by the enormity of the faux pas, rushes to John's side and actually gets the baby out before the frantic father.

Immediately wraps her up and as she starts to respond, reaches up to his face and as she snuggles up to him, he recognises his mistake, looks John straight in the face and for once in his life murmurs: "I am sorry". Then she gurgles and reaches for his curly mop, and he lets her touch his face, something he has never let any female do before unless he initiated contact, but Little Miss is not just any female, she has  his heart.

[SherlockedCAMPer]

Sherlock to John: I've just got a text from Lestrade. I'll be back in a bit. Here's Sheralyn. She's going to need a diaper change in about a minute or so if my calculations are correct.

[SherlockedCAMPer]

Sherlock: I've come up with a chart of the optimal feeding times and amount of food for Sheralyn. It takes into account growth spurts and the likes. And I also wrote a post on my site if the best baby formulas and baby food. Also on that chart is when we will start feeding here solids and which ones we will start with.

[joanneta1]

John: There is no need for that, her paediatrician has all this sorted out already.

Sherlock: That fool of  woman did not even take into account her slight icterus attack night before last, what makes you think she knows what she is doing?

John: We were together at Bart's!

Sherlock: That admission only makes her negligence worse. Feel free to rely on her the next time Sheralyn has a colic.

John: All right, your way, always your way! So what is this optimum feeding plan like, anyway?

[Inge l-w]

By the way, you DO realise that we are laying down a fun blueprint for when BC actually becomes a father?

And we need to factor in Molly. Throw out her paediatrician and strong-arm or wheedle Molly into becoming Sheralyn's GP?

[J.P.]

By the way, you DO realise that we are laying down a fun blueprint for when BC actually becomes a father?

And we need to factor in Molly. Throw out her paediatrician and strong-arm or wheedle Molly into becoming Sheralyn's GP?

 

Oh, God - Yes!

(have a mental picture of crocheting a deerstalker in baby size and sending it to someone who goes to the Convention)

[T.o.b.y]

You know, that is something I just cannot imagine. A baby at Baker St being taken care of by those two loons and their ex-exotic dancer landlady who is, for all we know, childless and has a bit of an issue with marijuana?

 

That is a scenario I just cannot get past the bouncers of even my crazy brain.

 

No, no. Mary must stay around and help John take care of their daughter until she is at least Archie's size. And if something happens to Mary sooner, then either Harry will have to get her act together and take in her niece, or the Holmes parents will have to lend a hand. Something like that.

[Inge l-w]

Sherlock on the sofa with baby Sheralyn on his lap, while she is playing with the lapels of his blue dressing gown. John comes in with a gift wrapped package in his hands.

Sherlock: What is that?

John: A patient of mine is a great fan of yours. She said she made this for the baby. (Tears open the gift wrapping to reveal a crotcheted mini deerstalker cap)

Sherlock almost forgets that the baby is lying on top of him in his hurry to get up and catches her as she is almost about to fall on the floor:"How many times must I tell everybody that it wasn't my hat! Get rid of it before Sweetheart sees it"

John: WHAT did you just call my daughter? (Still clutching offending crotcheted deerstalker cap)

Sherlock: Nothing, mental note! Just get rid of it, there's a good chap!

[SherlockedCAMPer]

Mummy & Daddy Holmes arrive at Baker St not realizing yet that John & Sheralyn have moved back in (they were on their way to Mycroft's and he was going to tell them once they arrived since they were en route when he found out.)

Mummy: Oh look, Sherlock's got a baby. Wait, Sherlock, when did you become a dad and when were you going to tell us that we were grandparents. Who's the mom? (All motherly stern like)

Sherlock (flustered): I'm not the dad. This is John's daughter. I'm watching her while he does the shopping. As you may recall, shopping with young kids is not the easiest thing to do. I remember being told about the soup can incident of 1979.

[Inge l-w]

Dear TOBY, John is the father, the Holmes parents can lend a hand, but until social services step in, which might be your contribution to this flight of fancy, it will have to be these two, and smpfco has rightly observed that John can be a single parent, it is when you add Sherlock to the equation that chaos ensues.

[sherlockandjohn]

Sherlock gives his phone to Baby Watson to play with, since it keeps her from crying. The baby accidentally sends weird messages to Lestrade:

djkllas fasdlfsda alzklj

Greg (who does not intend to make the same mistake twice and come rushing to Baker Street, but instead) phones Sherlock to ask him what's going on. The ring tone scares Baby Watson, and she starts crying again, after which Sherlock proceeds to throw his phone in the fridge.

[SherlockedCAMPer]

Sherlock gives Sheralyn the doorbell to play with to see if it will stop ringing.