Introverts, how is your day?

[Arcadia]

8 hours ago, Artemis said:

It's been a bad day.  Nothing's gone right, but mainly, it's my dog Cooper.

^ This illness, which turned out to be leaky gut, is finally taking a turn for the worse.  The severity of it has fluctuated in cycles, usually flaring in the fall and clearing up somewhat in the spring.  But he's never been this bad before.  Last night he was whimpering all night because of how uncomfortable he was.  He doesn't want to move or eat.  He has runny, uncontrollable diarrhea.  He's pretty miserable.

There's no cure for his illness, the symptoms can only be alleviated with medication.  But eventually the medication stops helping (if it doesn't lead to kidney failure first), and that seems to be what's happening now.  The vet gave him another med that should improve his condition in the short-term, but it runs out in a week.  If it doesn't help, or if it does but his illness cycles around again later with this severity, he will probably have to be put down.

 

Oh, Artemis. So sorry. The most miserable times of my life have always been when my snugglebugs are seriously ill. Wish I could say something that would help, I know it must be a miserable time for you. Here's a virtual hug, though. 

[Jen]

You're right, VBS!!! 

 

 

It's very sad about your dog, Artemis!! 😥 How old is it?? 

[Artemis]

9 hours ago, Jen said:

It's very sad about your dog, Artemis!! 😥 How old is it??

He's 8.  Will be 9 in 4 months.

 

[Carol the Dabbler]

Poor puppy!  Hugs to both him and you.  (Hang in there.)

 

[Fantasy Lover]

I'm sorry Artemis, I know how hard it is to put down a dog. My mom and I had to put our dog down 2,5 years ago, know that it while it might be the hard thing to do, it is the right decision.

[Carol the Dabbler]

Yes, when the dog is ready to go, you'll know it.

 

[Van Buren Supernova]

I have no words, can't imagine being in your situation, it would wreck me possibly beyond repair.

Hugs to you and the poor kid.

[Caya]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Artemis. That decision is the worst any pet owner has to face, and it's heartbreaking. Give Cooper a hug from me, and have one yourself. And sorry for not speaking up earlier, but my parents' gentle old dog Ika is going through a bad phase too atm, so it took me a couple days (it's a bit of a raw topic right now). Why must dogs' lives be so short? It's just not fair.

[Artemis]

2 hours ago, Caya said:

Give Cooper a hug from me, and have one yourself.

Same to you, and Ika.
 

 

[Jen]

To Artemis, Caya and your dogs !  

[Artemis]

It's Valentine's Day, I just noticed.

Just about every other statement out of my parents' mouths these days is that I need to get married and give them grandkids.  I keep telling them not to hold their breath, but they keep pressuring me.  I would very much like to not be hassled about it.

The fact of the matter is, I don't even know that I want a relationship anymore.  Ever since I broke up with my ex, the idea of trying it again makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm not blaming it on him.  Every relationship I've had, romantic or platonic, has ended with a gut punch.  I don't know if I've just been hurt so many times that I can't deal anymore, or if it's something else entirely.  But whatever the case may be, I find myself no longer capable of viewing relationships as a potential source of happiness in my life.  Maybe one day I'll wake up and feel differently.  Maybe I'll regret not having a family while I'm still young enough to do so.  I really can't say.  But for right now, all I want from anyone is just to be left in peace.

 

[Caya]

[Carol the Dabbler]

13 hours ago, Artemis said:

Maybe one day I'll wake up and feel differently.  Maybe I'll regret not having a family while I'm still young enough to do so.  I really can't say.  But for right now, all I want from anyone is just to be left in peace.

Your parents presumably just want you to be happy, and they assume that a relationship would help you achieve that.  But you obviously can't just go relationship shopping, like buying a car.  As you're well aware, even someone who seems perfect for you -- may not be.

Since you probably stand the best chance of finding a good match if you're not frantic to do so, you're best off doing whatever makes you comfortable, regardless of whether or not you want a relationship.  As long as you don't move to a desert island, there will be people around, one of whom could eventually turn out to be your soulmate.  But on the other hand I know a number of people who are living a full life with no partner.

I will say, it might be nice to have adult children now, but I was never in a reasonable situation to have babies till I was in my mid-forties, which I considered a bit old, especially for a first pregnancy.  I figure it's best to start from where you're actually at, rather than expending energy wishing you were somewhere else.

 

[Artemis]

16 hours ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

Your parents presumably just want you to be happy,

My parents want themselves to be happy, lol.  If they weren’t so desperate for grandkids to fulfill their own expectations of life, they wouldn’t care what I was up to.

Other than that I agree with you.

There is still the problem of feeling physically ill when I think about attempting a relationship now.  Not even sure exactly where that’s coming from or how to address it.

And then the likelihood is narrowed even further by the fact that I’m asexual.  Most men flee from that.  Adding to that is leftover trauma from having been assaulted, which makes me averse to being viewed as an object of desire in the first place.  That look that men get when they want you is still terrifying to me, and it can be a hurdle for me to get past on the rare occasion that someone expresses interest in me.

There are other obstacles too.

I really can’t envision a positive outcome anymore.  All I can imagine is more pain and unhappiness in the end.

P.S.  I hope I’m not oversharing.  I’m starting to get that feeling right now, lol.  Apologies if I am.

 

[Arcadia]

13 hours ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

I figure it's best to start from where you're actually at, rather than expending energy wishing you were somewhere else.

 

Amen, sistah.

[Carol the Dabbler]

13 hours ago, Artemis said:

I really can’t envision a positive outcome anymore.  All I can imagine is more pain and unhappiness in the end.

P.S.  I hope I’m not oversharing.  I’m starting to get that feeling right now, lol.  Apologies if I am.

Don't worry, we all need to share sometimes.

As for outcomes, I guess all relationships end badly, sooner or later, one way or another, even if it's because one partner dies after fifty years together.  And the same is true of pets.  So relationship or no relationship, I think it doesn't pay to think too much about what if.  One day at a time works a lot better, at least for me.

 

[Fantasy Lover]

Can't you tell your parents about how you've been hurt so often you don't want to get hurt anymore? Also when people tell me I'll regret not having children, I tell them I rather regret not having children than regret having children.

[Artemis]

2 hours ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

As for outcomes, I guess all relationships end badly, sooner or later, one way or another, even if it's because one partner dies after fifty years together.  And the same is true of pets.

Yeah, but at least with pets there’s some good stuff in the middle.  I don’t get much of that with people, usually.

1 hour ago, Fantasy Lover said:

Can't you tell your parents about how you've been hurt so often you don't want to get hurt anymore?

I have.  My parents automatically dismiss my life experiences and my feelings about them, and then guilt me for not doing or being what they want.  Explaining myself makes no difference.  It doesn’t produce their desired result, so they don’t care.

My parents are very traditional, so it used to be important to them that I marry before having children.  But recently they’re even giving up on that, and starting to hint at me to just go sleep around until I get pregnant.  My mom is trying to set me up, despite my protests.  She keeps sneaking pictures of me to men in her social network, the latest being a drug addict nearly twice my age.  In the mean time they keep encouraging me to get back with my ex.

 

[Fantasy Lover]

Yikes, I'm so sorry Artemis *hugs*

[Carol the Dabbler]

Well, you know who NOT to ask for advice, then!

Most parents are a bit that way, I think.  They tend to assume that people (and most expecially their own children) are just like them.  My father kept insisting that when I was older, I'd understand his point of view -- not taking into account that he and I are two different people.  But I must admit he never tried to fix me up with a drug addict!

I guess you know what to do -- ignore them as politely as possible.  You have a brother, right?  Does he have any kids?

 

[Artemis]

1 hour ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

You have a brother, right?  Does he have any kids?

Yes, and yes.  His 4th is on the way.  But he’s a half-brother.  I’m my father’s only biological child, thus his only hope of continuing the family line and name.  My mom just wants as many grandkids as she can get because she feels it gives meaning to her own life’s shortcomings, and because she regrets not having more children because she was unhappy in her marriage, and because it’s embarrassing for her to have an unmarried, childless, unsuccessful daughter.

 

[Carol the Dabbler]

43 minutes ago, Artemis said:

My mom just wants as many grandkids as she can get because she feels it gives meaning to her own life’s shortcomings, and because she regrets not having more children because she was unhappy in her marriage, and because it’s embarrassing for her to have an unmarried, childless, unsuccessful daughter.

To which I say:  

44 minutes ago, Artemis said:

I’m my father’s only biological child, thus his only hope of continuing the family line and name.

Him I can sympathize with -- life doesn't always turn out the way you'd hoped.  But that implies no obligation on you.

 

[Artemis]

29 minutes ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

To which I say:  

29 minutes ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

Him I can sympathize with -- 

To be clear, I should maybe add that all of my mom’s motives are shared by him as well.  They just aren’t the main one.  Not that I’m discouraging your sympathy.  I’m just sayin’.

29 minutes ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

But that implies no obligation on you.

Well not according to him.   

29 minutes ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

life doesn't always turn out the way you'd hoped.

You can say that again.  It’s not like my life has turned out the way I wanted it either.  Being made to feel bad about it doesn’t help anything.

 

[Carol the Dabbler]

4 hours ago, Artemis said:

It’s not like my life has turned out the way I wanted it either.  Being made to feel bad about it doesn’t help anything.

Yeah, well, parents can be like that.  They tend not to notice when you've grown up and their responsibility for you ends -- so it's up to you to notice.

Silly little example:  I was living in another state and visiting my parents for the weekend.  After Mom went to bed, Daddy helped me set up a cot in the living room.  After I had arranged the covers to my satisfaction, he proceeded to tuck them in at the foot.  I explained that I don't like them tucked, and untucked them.  He said I'd catch my death of cold and re-tucked them.  We kind of followed each other around the cot a few times, tucking and untucking.  Finally he stopped and gave me the saddest look.  I suspect he was thinking something like "My little girl has grown up and doesn't need me any more."  I believe that happened when I was 35.

Sounds like your parents are taking their perceived responsibility a few steps further than that, but your logical response is still the same:  Firmly but politely ignore their attempts to control you.  Then get on with your life.

 

[Artemis]

2 hours ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

Finally he stopped and gave me the saddest look.  I suspect he was thinking something like "My little girl has grown up and doesn't need me any more."

Awwww.

I see what you’re saying, but my parents aren’t really like that.  They’re kind of the opposite, actually.  They’re not caretakers.  I was never “their little girl”, I was a little adult; mostly responsible for myself, and neglected in most of the ways that count.  At least in your example, your dad’s assertion of control came from a place of care and concern for your well-being.  My dad would never make that kind of gesture.  He wouldn’t tuck my sheets or even think about how something like that might affect my health.  Their attempts to control me only revolve around things they feel affect them personally.

That doesn’t nullify your advice, however.  The proper response is still the same.  But politely ignoring while I continue to live my life doesn’t make their shaming and badgering less frustrating, either, lol.  It can be quite wounding, in fact, but there’s not a lot I can do about that other than cut them out of my life, which I’d be unwilling to do.