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Van Buren Supernova

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I never noticed before that resign could also be read as re-sign -- which could have the opposite meaning, to sign up again.

And I agree with Arcadia.  Plus in my experience, thinking of ways to put something off can eventually add up to more trouble than just doing it.

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3 hours ago, Arcadia said:

Not to parrot your own advice back at you, but … oh, why the heck not...."But it is nice of you to pretend, because that means your mom team's happiness is important to you, and you didn't act selfishly. It's not fun or easy, but think of it as you being better." 😛 

HEY THAT IS NOT FAIR. :axe: 

Giving advice is easy because I'm not the one who needs to suffer :) 

For me, I expect you guys to help me escape. No less. XD

 

1 hour ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

And I agree with Arcadia.  Plus in my experience, thinking of ways to put something off can eventually add up to more trouble than just doing it.

You are right, I'm just worry that it would feel icky. Have to be grateful though.

Normally in those projected stressful situations I always think that I will get through it and imagining the night after, lying peacefully on the bed and say, "see told ya it would be over." It used to be much easier escape for me because I'd tell people on the last minute, but this time I can't because there are too many things I need to hand over.

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I'm not helping you escape because you refused to teach me scuba. 

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It's snowing very lightly, like drifting cotton.  It's nice.

I've had terrible insomnia for weeks now, and it's starting to take a toll.  I suppose it must be the result of anxiety, but I'm not sure how to lessen that at this point.  Nothing's working.

One of my aunts died in February.  She had a stroke some years back, which left her unable to communicate in any way.  I can only imagine how lonely that made her.  She ultimately made the choice to refuse all food, essentially starving herself to death.  The circumstances are really sad, but everyone was prepared.

My dad's been intensely clingy since then, as he tends to get when something makes him consider his mortality.  I've been trying to pay him attention and spend more time with him, as it seems my brother is too busy being popular to give up even an hour of his time.  But it's getting to be a bit much for me.  I need time to myself to function, probably more than most, and I'm used to being alone almost all the time.  Going from that to this is not doing anything good for me.  I'm increasingly irate and snappy, depressed, and basically all my worst traits are exacerbated.  I've explained and asked him to go away and leave me alone for awhile in virtually every way possible outside of screaming it at him, but he can't or won't, and he's driving me crazy.  I'm afraid I'll lose my filter one of these days soon and really hurt his feelings.  Normally I have a tight lid on that sort of thing, but I can feel it starting to pop, and bits of snark are escaping into my speech.

I don't know if this is a familiar situation to anyone else.  I want to be there for my dad, but it's at my own expense and I don't know how to handle that.

 

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Was this his sister that died? If it is then you need to be very considerate of his feelings. If he's getting on your nerves then you might consider doing a couple of activities that he really enjoys to help him forget his sorrows for a little while. Perhaps he'll take a greater interest in that activity and you'll get more time for yourself.

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14 hours ago, Artemis said:

.... I'm increasingly irate and snappy, depressed, and basically all my worst traits are exacerbated.  I've explained and asked him to go away and leave me alone for awhile in virtually every way possible outside of screaming it at him, but he can't or won't, and he's driving me crazy....

It's a tough situation, obviously, for all concerned.

Unfortunately, your idea of asking in every way possible may be going right over his head.  In my experience, when a woman thinks she's making an obvious point it's often not even a man's idea of a subtle hint.

Sorry, but I don't recall just now -- is your mother still in the picture?  If so, maybe the two of you could figure out how to deal with him.

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8 hours ago, Sheerluck said:

Was this his sister that died?

No, she was his brother’s wife.  They didn’t speak much; his brother is a lot older than him so they’re not super close.  He’s not sad about her death (I’m sadder about it than he is), it just makes him think about his own and become extremely anxious.

 

6 hours ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

It's a tough situation, obviously, for all concerned.

Unfortunately, your idea of asking in every way possible may be going right over his head.  In my experience, when a woman thinks she's making an obvious point it's often not even a man's idea of a subtle hint.

Sorry, but I don't recall just now -- is your mother still in the picture?  If so, maybe the two of you could figure out how to deal with him.

To be clear, when I say that I’ve asked in every way possible, I don’t just mean I’ve hinted at it.  I mean I’ve actually sat him down and explained to him, directly, exactly what I need and why I need it.  The only thing I haven’t done is scream at him and shove him out the door.

I’ve spoken to my mother about it (they’re divorced), and she wasn’t much help.  Her response was, “I’m sure glad I don’t have to deal with him anymore.”

 

It’s not just that he’s getting on my nerves, it’s beyond that.  I’m not really sure how to explain, but for example, he won’t let me sleep.  I’ve had insomnia lately, but if I do finally manage to catch some zzz’s, he will come over and wake me up because he “needs company”.  And he himself only sleeps about 4 hours a day, usually while I’m working, or in the chair the next to me (he has a house but he’s mostly staying with me right now).  I never get to be alone, except in the shower.

Edit: Oh, and about the shower: He’ll deliberately run the hot water down while I’m in there to make me get out sooner.

 

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:blink:

He must be really miserable, but that doesn't give him the right to ruin your life.  Any chance he'd see a counselor?

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Zero chance of that.

 

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Has he ever been like this before?  Did something specific bring him out of it that time?  Or did it just run its course (and if so, how long did that take)?

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Yes, he occasionally gets like this.  It's happened before after a death, but that isn't always the case.  It will eventually run its course, but length of time varies.  Meanwhile it's wearing me down, a lot.

 

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I can imagine!  :(

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Hi Artemis,

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this!

What did your Dad say to you, when you sat him down and explained to him how you felt and what you needed? 

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He said, "Why do you need alone time?  You have alone time when you sleep."  And then he said, "Okay."

 

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Could you snag some alone time elsewhere?  I know it's not the same as being in your own home, but maybe in an internet cafe or something of that sort?  Or going for a walk?

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It's very difficult.  He follows me everywhere and gets upset when I try to go somewhere without him.

 

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Does he go to work with you?  (If not, maybe you could sneak some alone time on your way to or from.)

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I work from home right now, at least until July.

 

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Oh, dear!

How old is he?  Around here, there are "senior centers" where people over 55 can go to socialize and participate in activities.  That might get him off your back for a few hours, at least.

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He’s in his 60’s, so old enough for that, but he won’t go.  :( 

 

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17 hours ago, Artemis said:

He said, "Why do you need alone time?  You have alone time when you sleep."  And then he said, "Okay."

Hi again, Artemis,

Yes, this does sound like a very difficult situation for you, and once again: I'm sorry that you're going through it. 

The only thing we can hope; is that your Dad will "get better" soon, and go back to his place.

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How is your situation now, Artemis? I hope it's improving because I really2 can't imagine being in your shoes.

What if you try to get him in touch with his friends, or people he used to hang out with?

I'm fortunate that my dad seems to have friends, and mom and her siblings have become good friends now they hang out often. Although my uncle seems to have similar situation with your dad (from what mom told me), although in slightly different version. He keeps crying wolf that he is sick with something and goes on to have expensive medical check-ups overseas (nothing), and on the way troubling families including my parents because he asked for companionship and attentions, which is probably quite fine, if not for him constantly refusing his wife's companion that id readily available and not taking her along for those trips but making up big fuss when she does her own thing.

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Smart-Select-20190417-210537-Chrome.jpg

HEY!

I think I skipped my younger days??

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7 minutes ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

How is your situation now, Artemis?

Not much better.

7 minutes ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

What if you try to get him in touch with his friends, or people he used to hang out with?

There's no one like that to put him in touch with, and even if there were, he wouldn't go if I tried.  He pretty much avoids social activity of any kind.

Fortunately he has a few siblings in the area, and they've started meeting up every Tuesday for dinner at a restaurant.  So that's an hour a week I get to myself now, at least.

 

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