Introverts, how is your day?

[Van Buren Supernova]

19 hours ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

s this the world for extroverts? Do you guys at least feel something similar and struggle with it?

 

13 hours ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

Maybe it's extroverts, but then I wonder about the false personas.  

I meant, I imagine that social media must be very natural for extroverts. I suppose for some people, it's easier to put themselves out there and interacting with everyone?

13 hours ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

Are extroverts always phonies?  Or are these introverts pretending to be extroverts?  Or maybe introverts who feel safe behind a facade?

This is very possible. At the very least, I don't think I'm as comfortable around you guys in real life. I might hide in the corner and you have to poke me with a stick to get my response in conversation, after you promise to give me giant paper bag to cover my head and big cake of course.

Haiz, I actually not sure what I am trying to say. It's likely that I just get frustrated sometimes that we can't really survive without all those. Everything needs a market, you need to exist. Unless you already make it in life, we need to get out there.

[Carol the Dabbler]

There, there!  You can always come here and bitch when you're feeling overwhelmed elsewhere.  We promise to be gentle, at least every now and then.

[Van Buren Supernova]

14 minutes ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

You can always come here and bitch when you're feeling overwhelmed elsewhere.  We promise to be gentle, at least every now and then.

Thank you! If only everywhere is as cosy as here, too bad we don't have real cake.

[Caya]

Stumbled over this and found it interesting: (source and links to studies and such is here: https://www.quietrev.com/6-illustrations-that-show-what-its-like-in-an-introverts-head/ )

[Carol the Dabbler]

Those are some fascinating hypotheses!

1. Introverts have a longer neural pathway for processing stimuli (including long-term memory and planning).

That could explain why my reactions tend to be kind of complicated, sometimes annoyingly so to some other people.

2. Introverts require less stimulation to stay awake and alert; introverts are more readily over-stimulated.

Which may explain why I find the current crop of loud, fast-paced movies really annoying.

3, Introverts need less dopamine to feel happy; they can feel content and energized while reading, thinking deeply, or diving into ideas.

You mean other people don't?

4, Introverts feel less excitement from surprise or risk.

Which may explain why I don't understand why some people get such a kick out of gambling.  (Love that cartoon -- and yeah, cats must be introverts.)

5. Introverts process all things ... not just people.

In other words, I'm easily distracted?  (Unless I'm really focussed on something, that it.)

6. Introverts reach long-term memory to locate information.  Their information processing is slower, as they compare old and new experiences when deciding things.  This also means they are careful in making decisions.

Not sure this applies to ALL introverts.  I'm like that, but my husband often makes snap judgments -- presumably because he's a J (and I'm a P).

 

[J.P.]

All this could also be a description of a so called High Sensitive Person. It describes me quite good, but what is missing - the fact of being drained by interpersonal interaction as opposite to being energized by it (extroverts), which for me is the most significant difference.

Quote

5. Introverts process all things ... not just people.

Oh that's why I often process people as things. Mostly as nuisances.

[Carol the Dabbler]

4 hours ago, J.P. said:

... what is missing - the fact of being drained by interpersonal interaction as opposite to being energized by it (extroverts) ....

I sometimes feel energized when I'm interacting with people, and if it's a cordial one-on-one or very small group, the energy seems to last.  But if it's me vs. a crowd, the energy that I feel is apparently coming from me having psyched myself up, so that once I'm free to go "off stage," I'm totally drained.

I assume we each have our individual variations on all of this.

 

[Arcadia]

On 11/12/2021 at 2:46 PM, Caya said:

Stumbled over this and found it interesting: (source and links to studies and such is here: https://www.quietrev.com/6-illustrations-that-show-what-its-like-in-an-introverts-head/ )

This describes me to a T.

On 11/14/2021 at 8:00 AM, J.P. said:

All this could also be a description of a so called High Sensitive Person. It describes me quite good, but what is missing - the fact of being drained by interpersonal interaction as opposite to being energized by it (extroverts), which for me is the most significant difference.

Yes! As much as I enjoy my interactions with certain people,   I always relish getting back to just me myself.

Which reminds me ... is there a polite way to get people off the phone? I have two acquaintances who I don't mind talking to often on the  phone, but why do the calls have to be so lengthy? Especially since we're not exchanging information, it's mostly just me listening to them rattle on about whatever is happening to them at the moment. ("Oh, the dog wants my attention. Hey, the leaves are falling!") I'm sympathetic to their need for human contact, but really.....

 

[Carol the Dabbler]

1 hour ago, Arcadia said:

... is there a polite way to get people off the phone? I have two acquaintances who I don't mind talking to often on the  phone, but why do the calls have to be so lengthy? Especially since we're not exchanging information, it's mostly just me listening to them rattle on about whatever is happening to them at the moment. ("Oh, the dog wants my attention. Hey, the leaves are falling!")

I wish I had some advice for you!  I had a friend who was fun in person.  But on the phone she was sort of like that, only instead of the leaves are falling, I got to listen to her ongoing tale of woe.  She had actual problems and certainly wasn't bitching about minutia, but it went on for hours.  One day I felt a desire to tell a friendly ear about a significant problem in my life, and I figured she owed me, so I called her -- and after listening to her woes for several hours, I finally gave up.  Other than maybe a time or two in person, I haven't talked to her since.

So you have my sympathy, if that's any consolation.

 

[Arcadia]

On 11/24/2021 at 2:29 AM, Carol the Dabbler said:

So you have my sympathy, if that's any consolation.

 

Not much. 😛 I'm actually getting a lot of that from them too, and in the past I would have done the same as you by now. But I'm going through so much trauma of my own these days that it's made me more tolerant of listening to their woes, I think. They need an ear. But when the conversation devolves into pointless observations, it's time to get off the phone, imo. I guess they just are reluctant to let go of the human contact, and I get that too. But still.....

It's a shame that people who go on about their problems like that don't realize how it drives people away, leaving them even more isolated than before. Vicious circle. Man, the world's a tough place to be sometimes. 😞 

 

[Carol the Dabbler]

10 hours ago, Arcadia said:

It's a shame that people who go on about their problems like that don't realize how it drives people away, leaving them even more isolated than before. Vicious circle.

Nor do some of them seem to realize that other people may also have problems, which is the part that eventually gets to me.  I don't mind lending a sympathetic ear to someone who's willing to return the favor once in a while.

 

[T.o.b.y]

Arcadia: to you. 

Ideas on how to end phone convos:

- at the start of the conversation, point out that you have a time limit à la "I need to do / be at X by Y o'clock". Make something up if you need to. When that time comes round, point it out and hang up with a quick "got to go" or similar. 

- If your phone has a "knock" option, call it from another phone or line and say "oh, sorry, I have to take that" 

- If you have kids or pets, they might take care of the issue for you 

- If you're on a cell phone, purposely go somewhere with really bad reception 

- Seriously though, nobody is entitled to hours of your time. I think it should be socially acceptable to just tell people you would like to end the conversation. If they can't respect your boundaries then the value of the acquaintance is doubtful. 

[Arcadia]

6 hours ago, T.o.b.y said:

Arcadia: to you. 

Thanks Tobe. 

 

6 hours ago, T.o.b.y said:

Ideas on how to end phone convos:

I think I've used a variation on most of those, with mixed results. The two most needy ladies, though, keep on going even after I've said I gotta go. Heck, they keep on going even after they've said (more than once) that they're going to let me go! Some people like that I'm perfectly capable of avoiding, but sometimes their need is so great that I can't help but want to respond to it. So I guess it's on me if I suffer the consequences.   At this point it's not annoying enough to cut these people out of my life; just annoying enough to complain about.  

[Carol the Dabbler]

A few other ideas of how to end phone conversations without hurting feelings (I think at least one of these if from Peg Bracken's books):

1. Put your noisiest timer near the phone and set it to go off shortly.  When it does, say oh dear, the dryer's done -- sorry, gotta go! -- and hang up.

2. Quietly walk over to the door, then bang on it and say Oops, somebody's knocking on the door! -- and hang up.

3. The sneakiest is to just hang up, gently -- while YOU are talking.  That gives the impression that you got cut off by an equipment malfunction.  Of course if your phone does not have Caller ID, you need to follow up by not answering the phone for a while.

Will admit that I've never had the guts to try any of these!

 

[Van Buren Supernova]

I deduct that many of you are slightly or older than me, and want to ask, how bad is the consequences of this introverts' lifestyle going to be?

I figure I'm going to die friendless, at the rate of me failing to maintain regular contacts or adding new friends, but I don't have energy to change that.

When I quitted my job, almost 3 years now, this team of mine (almost all of them were new, because of some circumstances I believe I had told before) was quite a close-knit group and they included me or always tried to (I think), they were relatively younger than me except someone who was hired as the main position to manage them (my role is quite independent and I answered directly to the big boss, so was he). We happened to have the same attribute (considered as minority here), and our ages were closer, so naturally, and because we found that we worked together quite well, he probably felt closer to me. Anyway, he was a great guy to everyone, and almost like a work father to all of us.

When I quitted the job, he was already out. Unfortunately he was unfairly fired, but he kept in contact with everyone. We had this group chat for work communication that eventually turned into our social group. I'm never active in social chat much, so I hardly ever participated in the chat. Also, I am those jerks who don't really want anyone to know what I am doing, even though by right, I need all the networking I could get. But no, I don't really get in touch, and hardly answer if anyone asks me anything. To their credit, most of them understand me, and don't poke into my comfort zone, except this guy.

He would ask me how was I doing through group and personal chat, what was I working at etc etc. I was and am not doing well, so it added to my hesitation of sharing anything, especially because I knew he didn't hold on to secrets well (from the way he shared others' to me) so I didn't reply much to his chats, only replied very general questions and point-blank ignored him when it got personal. Last year, when he changed his phone he still messaged me to ask how I was doing, and I replied that I'm well while telling him sorry I hardly do chat so my replies are very very sparse. He followed by asking me about my work now, which I ignored again.

For the note, I know he was in bad situation after he was fired, struggling economically and he often asked about work opportunities. I was in great position back then and did well financially but I'm not anymore. I can't help him but I understand why he thought I could. I had told him that (I can't help/what I am doing now is not significant/unrelated to his skill/our previous industry etc), but he would be curious that led me to not answering again.

Just now, in the group chat, I got the news that he had just passed away. It hit me like a brick, I am sitting here speechless and disturbed for a long time. I don't know what I am feeling, but sadness is definitely one.

I went through his chat and saw many of his messages saying good morning, reminding me to drink vitamin and take good care of my health which I didn't bother to reply. 

If I could turn back time, I don't think I would do much, but at the very least, I would chat with him more because even though I didn't want to share or able to help him, he was genuinely looking for connections. I feel so bad now.

Two things I know for sure, that I still have a lot to learn in life (how do you all manage to cope with all these and remain well. I can't imagine losing my loved ones or my dog) and I am not as strong as I thought I was, not remotely.

Sigh, I didn't mean to whine. 

[Caya]

You're not whining, VBS. Have a distance hug, I'm sorry I can't drop by and give you a real one.

To answer your question (as someone who's in her sixth decade now), I've made peace with the fact that I'm an introvert at some point, can't really remember when but it's been a while. Doing so is not easy, because life (and very much the media) tries to sell you that the extrovert way is the only one and that you should have tons of social connections and activities. But that [censored] is exhausting and not fun for me and most of the time, I'd much rather curl up with my dog and a book or spend an evening on the computer, occasionally grousing about the game I'm playing to my (thankfully likewise introverted) husband, who typically is so drawn into his own game he merely mumbles some words of comfort. I do have two close friends, who have been in my life for decades now and who understand that me dropping off the radar for weeks doesn't mean I don't love them any less, and I love hanging out with them every now and then (unfortunately, both are guys and while I'd love a female friend to have tea with, all those connections petered out at some point). But otherwise, it's entirely possible for a week or two to pass during which I'm not interacting with anyone face to face save my husband and what shopping and such I haven't managed to do online, and I'm fine with that. Last year, I finally landed a job I can do remotely, so I phone and vchat a lot but I don't have to go out and be social at the water cooler or whatever, and that's honestly a relief.

Admittedly, it helps that I live in a rather close-knit neighborhood, by suburban standards. If I feel like chit-chatting (even I do that, once in a blue moon), all I need to do is grab Lilly and step outside. Still, I'm a loner by any measure, and my funeral likely will be a tiny affair, but so what? I've stopped being interested in popularity contests long ago and while I wish extroverts the best, I'm happy if they just leave me be and have their after work get-togethers and group shopping trips and dinner parties and all those other too-many-people-with-too-little-to-say affairs without me; it'll be more fun for everyone involved that way, trust me.

Okay, I'm rambling here. tl;dr: it's your life. Live it the way that makes sense to you and not the way you feel you should. It gets less stressful once you do.

[Carol the Dabbler]

VBS, I think what you're feeling is a missed opportunity.  If your former associate were still living and still texting you, you would still be mostly ignoring him, right?  What bothers you now is knowing that you can't.

You feel that you made a bit of a mistake -- well, humans do that.  The real mistake would be not learning from it.  So in order to honor his memory, you can remember to be a little more social in the future.  Don't be a phony, just do what feels OK to you.

3 hours ago, Caya said:

it helps that I live in a rather close-knit neighborhood, by suburban standards. If I feel like chit-chatting (even I do that, once in a blue moon), all I need to do is grab Lilly and step outside.

My husband and I moved to the country almost twenty years ago, and it's lovely out here, peaceful and quiet.  I certainly don't miss the noise from our old neighborhood.  But I do miss the opportunities to chat with the neighbors.  We didn't visit each other as such, but if I was taking a walk around the neighborhood and they happened to be out in their yard, we'd usually at least say hello, nice day or whatever.  And sometimes they'd say hang on a minute, I'd like to walk with you.  That sort of thing was just about the right amount of socializing for me.

Nowadays I do more socializing online, such as here, and it generally suits me better.  But it's not quite the same thing, and I miss those casual little chats, so whenever I need to talk with a sales clerk or a receptionist, I probably go on a bit longer than necessary.  Hopefully it's not too much of a problem for them!

 

[Arcadia]

Hey, VBS. I'm in sort of a similar situation, in that my life has changed a LOT in the past couple years and for awhile there was really struggling with my aloneness. I thought I was ready to be alone, and I wasn't; it's been so much harder than I thought it would be.

But I'm gradually adapting and feeling more reassured by the connections I DO have. I'm still alone, but adjusting to it and increasingly enjoying it (to the point where I'm actively avoiding my neighbor who wants to get together all the time....  ). 

So, this isn't an answer, but just confirming that life can get hard but you can adjust to it. I do worry about my future, when I'm no longer able to take care of myself, but hopefully I'll figure that out too at some point.

[Carol the Dabbler]

5 hours ago, Arcadia said:

I do worry about my future, when I'm no longer able to take care of myself, but hopefully I'll figure that out too at some point.

That's a concern for just about everybody these days, isn't it?  Sometimes I think it'd be nice if I had some offspring to take care of me if/when needed, but then I've seen an awful lot of offspring just stick Mom or Dad into a nursing home.

You might consider marrying a younger man!  

 

[Van Buren Supernova]

On 2/27/2022 at 4:15 AM, Carol the Dabbler said:

So in order to honor his memory, you can remember to be a little more social in the future.  Don't be a phony, just do what feels OK to you.

I sincerely hope I can, I think that is translated in my attempts to respond to him once in a while. Not sure if I could do more without resenting it. But still, I should be able to see it on case to case basis, and looking back, I'm sure I have disappointed him.

On 2/26/2022 at 11:40 PM, Caya said:

Live it the way that makes sense to you and not the way you feel you should. It gets less stressful once you do.

That is one of the best advices, thank you.

I do have few friends who understand that being absent doesn't mean I don't care (this is some kind of oxymoron, isn't it), I could fall off the earth for months or even years but I still care if that makes sense. Typing it doesn't really make sense though.

But thanks guys, It's not weird that I choose to blab here because our frequency is around the same wavelength. 

19 hours ago, Arcadia said:

So, this isn't an answer, but just confirming that life can get hard but you can adjust to it. I do worry about my future, when I'm no longer able to take care of myself, but hopefully I'll figure that out too at some point.

It's not necessary future, I have been separated from my SO for almost two++ years now because of pandemic, luckily we are both extreme introverts and do much better than others in same situation. Although I'm not lonely, I do feel alone some time, it doesn't help that he can't meet our dog and you know it's very significant in dog years. More realistic than ever, in covid time, the alone-ness is real especially because I stay bloody far from everyone and don't have anyone here I'm comfortable enough to let them know where I stay if I drop dead someday to rescue my dog.

14 hours ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

That's a concern for just about everybody these days, isn't it?  Sometimes I think it'd be nice if I had some offspring to take care of me if/when needed, but then I've seen an awful lot of offspring just stick Mom or Dad into a nursing home.

People stick it to me as reason to have offsprings, but no, it's not the right reason.

So I won't see you herd any ducklings anytime soon, eh?

14 hours ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

You might consider marrying a younger man!  

 

[Carol the Dabbler]

8 hours ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

Not sure if I could do more without resenting it. But still, I should be able to see it on case to case basis, and looking back, I'm sure I have disappointed him.

It sounded like he wanted more from you than you could comfortably give him.  So disappointing him doesn't mean you did a bad thing.

10 hours ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

I have been separated from my SO for almost two++ years now because of pandemic

That has got to be tough!  Are you separated because travel between certain countries is not currently allowed?

10 hours ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

don't have anyone here I'm comfortable enough to let them know where I stay if I drop dead someday to rescue my dog

That's an all-too-common situation (even in non-pandemic times), and it tends to become more common as one gets older, due to mortality of one's friends and relatives.  A friend of ours has promised to take in our cats if the need should ever arise, but that might turn out badly (even though they love her), since she has three cats of her own and lives in a small house.  So I figure it's my responsibility to outlive my cats.

10 hours ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

So I won't see you herd any ducklings anytime soon, eh?

Not in this lifetime!

 

[Van Buren Supernova]

On 3/1/2022 at 3:51 AM, Carol the Dabbler said:

That has got to be tough!  Are you separated because travel between certain countries is not currently allowed?

I went abroad for work but we got to meet often before the pandemic by visiting each other. Originally yes, travel restriction, then it changed to quarantine measures that made it impossible (time and cost wise for the quarantine period, it could easily cost 2k and 14days just for that), but things have changed so we'll see.

 

On 3/1/2022 at 3:51 AM, Carol the Dabbler said:

  So I figure it's my responsibility to outlive my cats.

On 2/28/2022 at 5:30 PM, Van Buren Supernova said:

Yup! Never thought I could adopt this less selfish idea, but yes, I have to outlive and take care of him especially during his senior years. Nevermind it will break my heart beyond repair, but I hope he doesn't get to grieve for me.

[Carol the Dabbler]

3 hours ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

I went abroad for work but we got to meet often before the pandemic by visiting each other. Originally yes, travel restriction, then it changed to quarantine measures that made it impossible (time and cost wise for the quarantine period, it could easily cost 2k and 14days just for that), but things have changed so we'll see.

Glad to hear things are changing -- for the better, apparently!

Not meaning to pry (so please ignore me!), just wondering if it would be possible for one of you to travel one last time and then stay together.  But of course there's doggie, and governments hardly ever take doggies into consideration.

 

[Artemis]

On 11/24/2021 at 1:29 AM, Carol the Dabbler said:

I had a friend who was fun in person.  But on the phone she was sort of like that, only instead of the leaves are falling, I got to listen to her ongoing tale of woe.  She had actual problems and certainly wasn't bitching about minutia, but it went on for hours.  One day I felt a desire to tell a friendly ear about a significant problem in my life, and I figured she owed me, so I called her -- and after listening to her woes for several hours, I finally gave up.

Every "friend" I've ever had has been just like that, on the phone and in person.  It seems my lot in life to be a sounding board.  I'm glad to be someone that people feel comfortable turning to in need, but at the same time it does get wearing to be used.  I put "friend" in quotes because it only seems to flow one way.  I doubt a single one of them knew anything about me.  As soon as they find another person to fill their need, I'm dropped.  If I were not useful, I don't think anyone would ever talk to me at all.

 

[Artemis]

On 2/26/2022 at 1:12 AM, Van Buren Supernova said:

how bad is the consequences of this introverts' lifestyle going to be?

I've been pondering that same question a lot these past few weeks.  My dog is starting to show his age.  I think he's going to be the last pet I own, because if I got another one and something happened to me, who would take care of it?  Who would even know?  I already worry so much about my dog.  It's a ways off yet, but I wonder who is going to take care of me when I'm old enough to need taking care of.  My best bet is to die before I reach that point, I guess.  I have no friends, no significant other, and barely a family.   I don't even have coworkers or neighbors to talk to.  The only numbers in my phone are my parents, my bosses, and emergency medical facilities.  I'm used to being alone and without human contact for long periods of time, but I think it's taking a toll right now.  They say no man is an island, but it sure does feel that way some days.