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24 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

Left to my own devices, I only have one or two at a time. Which is okay, when they're close friends. But even my two closest friends are … unavailable. *sniff*

Ah well … I have a cat. :smile: 

Yup, thank goodness for cats!  And I know what you mean -- my only really local friend is preparing to move away (not far away, but you know....).

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44 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

At any rate, I notice I'm the only one doing the inviting … I can't remember the last time anyone invited me to do something. *sigh* Time to make new friends, but that was never my strong suit.

^ Ditto.  *Sigh*.

 

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Do you suppose extroverts find it as hard to make friends as we do, but they're better at faking it? Or are they really better at making friends? Or is friendship a different thing for them? I have plenty of acquaintances that I'm "friendly" with, but I wouldn't really call most of them "friends." But I suspect a lot of people do use the term "friend" more liberally than I do.

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I think it depends.  My mother and brother are both extroverts, and they make friends very easily, without doing much of anything.  People want to be friends with them.  Other extroverts in my acquaintance make friends with similar ease.  But I couldn’t say it’s the same for all extroverts; I doubt it is.

 

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Can I offer a piece of advice for you who feel left out from your family/friends? It's an annoying advice though.

The way I operate, deliberately or unconsciously, I always automatically distance myself when I feel that I'm not welcomed anymore, even at the very beginning when the signs only start to show. I do this in friends, family or even work. I think there is only one reason in my mind, I don't want to be in places where I am unwanted. Life is not rosy, stressful and I'd rather be gone than feeling rejected, don't feel like I need that in my life.

So, that's what I do. If I have the feeling that there is less and less enjoyment when hanging out with a group of friends, when it's getting harder to get everyone together, I'd take the first step to distance myself. Same thing with relationship, although I don't have many experience.

As much as I don't want to admit, I think most of it are for selfish reason. Many times I pulled the plug too early but I think it probably feels early because I pulled it before it goes downhill and makes it a little too late. In short, I'd rather not overstay my welcome and maybe you'll still remember me fondly. 

I could be wrong, but hear this. If they don't want you to be around, don't think of it as your fault. If friends suddenly act coldly and you thought that's because they are influenced by others, it means they are not good enough friend who bother to check with you the other side of the story, they are not worth it. Friend is someone who believe in you, or at the very least, believe in you enough to fact check the things said about you before making judgement.

And last but not least, people actually change. It's weird, but we could grow out of what we used to be and become a different enough person. People you clicked with in the past might have very different aspiration and view of life now. I am not sorry to say that I 'quit' relationships from friends who can't stop talking about their kids, money or religion who tried to guilt me into all those. Some people can't resist trying to save my soul, my biological clock or not wanting me to live on the street while all I need is a friend. So if you think you are not in these category, again, don't blame your self, there are many other opportunities out there to find genuine relationship than holding onto the broken ones. Sometimes, with distance, it actually helps healing the broke relationship too.

In short, I know those rejections hurt. So don't let it hurt more, if you can.

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6 hours ago, Arcadia said:

Do you suppose extroverts find it as hard to make friends as we do, but they're better at faking it? Or are they really better at making friends? Or is friendship a different thing for them? I have plenty of acquaintances that I'm "friendly" with, but I wouldn't really call most of them "friends." But I suspect a lot of people do use the term "friend" more liberally than I do.

 

I remember I used to look at my extrovert colleague and have difficulty understanding her. So this girl at work came to my table on her first day, striking conversation (we come from the same country in foreign land), and she tagged along for lunch since then and I'm now 'her friend'. She called me everyday to talk about herself, and when I tried to make it more enjoyable for me by sharing my stories as well, it didn't go more than a minute. She tried to introduce everyone she knew to me, tried to include me in every outing, and as much efforts 14that she made, I always had this resistance because I had never feel close to her, not at all. Up to the points when I had to blankly reject knowing more of her friends, most of the time she brought them to our office lunch, outings, in situations where we couldn't say no. But when she visited the country I was staying after I moved to another job, I rejected her visit with yet another strangers and she really resented me after that. Her treatment with me is not special (the socializing effort), because she did it everybody. So I remember summing her up with one sentence A friend to everyone is a friend to noone. She was never my friend, regardless how she felt about it. I bet she barely knew anything about me.

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7 hours ago, Arcadia said:

I have plenty of acquaintances that I'm "friendly" with, but I wouldn't really call most of them "friends." But I suspect a lot of people do use the term "friend" more liberally than I do.

I know what you mean.  I do sometimes use the word "friend" rather loosely (e.g., if I'm just telling an anecdote and it's quicker to just say "friend" and it doesn't really matter anyhow), but it does seem that the word is used rather freely by some people, especially nowadays.  I suspect that Facebook has something to do with that.  How can anybody actually *know* hundreds or thousands of people, let alone consider them friends?

57 minutes ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

She called me everyday to talk about herself, and when I tried to make it more enjoyable for me by sharing my stories as well, it didn't go more than a minute.

Oh, dear, I had one of those!  I actually like her a lot, and enjoyed talking with her when we were in a group (which we usually were at first).  But if it was just her and me, all I'd hear was her latest woes, and she could go on for (literally) hours.  One day I wanted someone to talk with about a situation in my life, and figured OK, she owes me one (or more!), so I phoned her.  Three hours later, I still hadn't had a chance to bring up what I'd called her about.  So I don't bother to phone her any more.  :(  I kinda miss her, but I'm really tired of hearing nothing but woes.

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On 6/20/2019 at 12:30 AM, Carol the Dabbler said:

I do sometimes use the word "friend" rather loosely (e.g., if I'm just telling an anecdote and it's quicker to just say "friend" and it doesn't really matter anyhow),

^ Same.

On 6/20/2019 at 12:30 AM, Carol the Dabbler said:

but it does seem that the word is used rather freely by some people, especially nowadays.  I suspect that Facebook has something to do with that.

I actually don't think Facebook is responsible for that; but what is, I couldn't tell you.  I just know that I was noticing it long before Facebook.  Whether social media has made it worse, or if it's just always been like that, I don't know either.

On 6/20/2019 at 12:30 AM, Carol the Dabbler said:

But if it was just her and me, all I'd hear was her latest woes, and she could go on for (literally) hours.  One day I wanted someone to talk with about a situation in my life, and figured OK, she owes me one (or more!), so I phoned her.  Three hours later, I still hadn't had a chance to bring up what I'd called her about.

I've had several of those.  I tend to end up in a "free therapist" role in relationships, where I'm basically just a sounding board for someone's latest woes when they can't talk to their other friends.  I've grown somewhat accustomed to it, and I'm actually glad that people feel like their problems are safe with me; but it's very one-sided, and fickle.  When I had troubles, or they weren’t having troubles, they had no time for me.  Their only interest in me was as a vent.

Those people gradually disappeared and aren't part of my life anymore, and in recent years I'm a lot less open to people who show signs of using me like that, because I want a real friendship.  Hence, I'm alone.


I think what's missing in a lot of friendships these days is trust.  Many people have several friends they spend time with and go do things with, but how many of those friends would they say they trust and feel like they can count on?  Probably not many.

 

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Oh my. I feel all of you. What are we to do with our pathetic selves? :smile: Be proud of our ability to take care of ourselves, that's what! (There's got to be a silver lining here somewhere, right?)

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10 hours ago, Arcadia said:

What are we to do with our pathetic selves?

Go pet the cat?  :D

 

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Bad day? :smile: 

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Uh-oh. Sounds like someone's been watching the news.... 

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Watching the fireflies.

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We have so few of those here. Maybe it's because I'm in the woods. I remember there used to be more of them, when the trees were a lot smaller. But there's fewer of everything around here. Fewer rabbits, fewer birds, fewer chipmunks. But more and more deer. Go figure.

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They seem to like the woods around me, but I see more of them in grassy areas, where there are prairie fields and farms.

 

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Really? Interesting, I always think of them as woodland creatures. But lately they are also empty field creatures, backyard creatures, highway creatures …. I once saw one curled up on the front-lawn-that-is-also-a-pasture, next to the horse that lives there, just down the road from me. They seemed to be companionable. I just wish they'd leave my hosta alone.

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Are you talking about deer?  I was still talking about fireflies, lol.

3 hours ago, Arcadia said:

I just wish they'd leave my hosta alone.

Lol, I think that’s what my dad says about rabbits.  He’s unceasingly battling to protect his plants.

 

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Hostas are famous for being deer candy.  Unfortunately they're also one of the few flowers that will bloom in the shade.

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This firefly came for a ride in my car.  :smile:  I gently escorted him out at the next stop.

 

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Awww, you didn't adopt him?

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Naw, he would have been lonely.  He should be free with his firefly friends.  :smile: 

 

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Hoping it won't be too rainy for Independence Day fireworks.

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