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Loss and Grief


Douglas
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Dear Moderators,

Please feel welcome to delete this Topic if you deem it to be inappropriate or not in keeping with the general mood of this Forum.

One of the main reasons that I thought to start this topic, was that I know that there a lot of nice, genuine, and sympathetic people here, including those who have suffered a lot in their lives. In fact, I've found this SHERLOCK FORUM to be one of friendliest and most supportive Forums that I've ever seen, during the past twenty years since I've been on the Internet.

For me: my two greatest losses have been those of my little brother and only sibling, Michael, in June of 1990, when he was 27 and I was 29; and our little boy dog Sasha (aged 15 years and one month), who passed away in January of 2019.

 

And I would have to say that any sad loss is something from which most people never really recover: despite what "experts" such as Psychologists and Counsellors say: regardless of the time period which has passed!  The concept and "advice" of "just get over it",  really is useless to most of us; I'm sure.

 

So once again: Dear Moderators: please feel free to delete this, if you think it's not appropriate and/or offensive.

 

Best Regards, always, to everyone here on this wonderful Forum.

Take good care, and Stay Safe!

Douglas

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoo

 

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I can't speak for all of us, of course, but personally, one of the reasons I keep coming back to this forum (despite having a rather mixed opinion on Sherlock post-S2) is the warm, welcoming and mature community that has sprung up here. Like you said, that's not exactly common on the internet. So this seems like a very appropriate thread to me, because sometimes you just have to pour out your heart somewhere; and with loss, your friends and family are often hit just as hard, so kind strangers over the internet can be a big help, imo.

As for time healing all wounds, it sure does leave nasty scars in my experience. :unsure: But the pain dulls over time, or did for me at least. Time goes on, the sun rises and sets no matter what, which is both the greatest relief and greatest cruelty of life.

Anyway, have an internet hug - I still find myself thinking of you and your wife and Sasha and how you're coping with his loss, and I'm sorry to hear about Michael. :(

x48Z1LR.gif

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Dear Martina,

Thank you SO VERY MUCH, for this; you and this Forum are wonderful!

Kindest Regards, always,

Douglas

xoxoxo

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11 hours ago, Douglas said:

I would have to say that any sad loss is something from which most people never really recover: despite what "experts" such as Psychologists and Counsellors say: regardless of the time period which has passed!  The concept and "advice" of "just get over it",  really is useless to most of us; I'm sure.


I agree that we never entirely "recover" from the loss of someone near and dear, but what an impoverished world it would be if we did!  Imagine losing someone very dear and then just "getting over it" like getting over a cold, almost as though they had never been a part of our lives.  Those departed individuals (both human and otherwise) will be a part of us until we ourselves pass on -- at which point, who knows?  We may well see them again on the other side.

 

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14 hours ago, Carol the Dabbler said:


I agree that we never entirely "recover" from the loss of someone near and dear, but what an impoverished world it would be if we did!  Imagine losing someone very dear and then just "getting over it" like getting over a cold, almost as though they had never been a part of our lives.  Those departed individuals (both human and otherwise) will be a part of us until we ourselves pass on -- at which point, who knows?  We may well see them again on the other side.

 

So very well said, Carol! Yes, I really hope we do see them all again on the other side. 

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HI Douglas and all, sorry for your lost.

I'm really lucky that I have all those that I love who are the most significant still around me but I'm worried about them all the time.

Like to think that I'm a strong person, but the reality is that I'm a big coward dreading the days, even robbing me of current happiness because I can't help to not think about it. Every new year, as long as I have roof over my head, I don't really care whether how much stuff I have or I have not, but I'm always grateful that they are still around, for that is all that matters. For them it's too late, but it's very hard for me to get close with new people as I don't want to add them to my list of worries.

Lately I have less selfish thought, maybe. My habit is always to leave before being left, as it's easier for me, I practice that in relationships and works and I always leave early. I have same thinking about life that I'd rather go first, no, not unnatural way of going, as in I'd rather my time comes first. But maybe I have grown a bit to think that it's too selfish, as I imagine people like my parents, SO or my dog would be devastated. This actually helps to reduce my worries by 1%..

I think it's part of me, the fear attached that I would never able to shake off. I thought it would be nice to be emotion free people like Sherlock and Mycroft, but apparently they are not spared too.

 

As for this forum, yes!

I was also surprised with possitivity of this forum, it's like different part of internet. In fact, I have shared stuff that I never shared in real life, like above, and my love for singing eventhough I have horrible voice and my love for cake.  Maybe I have to silent all of you one day, buy for now, It's warm and cozy here. 😜

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21 hours ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

HI Douglas and all, sorry for your lost.

I'm really lucky that I have all those that I love who are the most significant still around me but I'm worried about them all the time.

Like to think that I'm a strong person, but the reality is that I'm a big coward dreading the days, even robbing me of current happiness because I can't help to not think about it. Every new year, as long as I have roof over my head, I don't really care whether how much stuff I have or I have not, but I'm always grateful that they are still around, for that is all that matters. For them it's too late, but it's very hard for me to get close with new people as I don't want to add them to my list of worries.

Lately I have less selfish thought, maybe. My habit is always to leave before being left, as it's easier for me, I practice that in relationships and works and I always leave early. I have same thinking about life that I'd rather go first, no, not unnatural way of going, as in I'd rather my time comes first. But maybe I have grown a bit to think that it's too selfish, as I imagine people like my parents, SO or my dog would be devastated. This actually helps to reduce my worries by 1%..

I think it's part of me, the fear attached that I would never able to shake off. I thought it would be nice to be emotion free people like Sherlock and Mycroft, but apparently they are not spared too.

 

As for this forum, yes!

I was also surprised with possitivity of this forum, it's like different part of internet. In fact, I have shared stuff that I never shared in real life, like above, and my love for singing eventhough I have horrible voice and my love for cake.  Maybe I have to silent all of you one day, buy for now, It's warm and cozy here. 😜

Hi Van Buren Supernova,

I just wanted to say thank you so much, for sharing your thoughts and feelings about this topic of loss and grief; it's very good of you, because I've found this to be very helpful, and I'm sure others on this Forum will also. 

Yes, we're very lucky to be in such a safe environment such as exists in this wonderful Forum, whereby we can express, open and honestly, how we feel about things. 

We're all here for you, and we understand how you feel.

Please take good care of yourself, and thanks, also, for your kind words.

Kindest Regards, always,

Douglas 

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Awww, this room is so fuzzy, it's not toxic and I love that ❤ 

I'm so sorry to hear that, Douglas, I'm sending my sympathies and virtual hugs in these strange times. :hugz:

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I'm sorry about yr bro and yr dog

my grandpa's bro just died a year ago all alone in England

no one even knew until a whole year later since he was kinda antisocial

I kinda wish I'd met him at least once even

 

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14 hours ago, linear_panda said:

my grandpa's bro just died a year ago all alone in England

no one even knew until a whole year later since he was kinda antisocial

I kinda wish I'd met him at least once even


That really is sad -- presumably not so much for your great uncle, assuming he was truly antisocial, but for the rest of your family.  Do you have any knowledge of him at all -- photos, letters, family anecdotes?

My father's mother died when he was only six years old, and I really wish she'd lived a lot longer, not just so I could have known her, but mostly so her children could have grown up in a real home and Grandpa wouldn't have spent the last half of his life alone.

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On 6/23/2020 at 10:53 PM, SherLOCKED123 said:

Awww, this room is so fuzzy, it's not toxic and I love that ❤ 

I'm so sorry to hear that, Douglas, I'm sending my sympathies and virtual hugs in these strange times. :hugz:

SherLOCKED123,

Thank you so much for your kind words; that's very nice of you; and virtual hugs right back at ya!! 

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On 6/23/2020 at 11:15 PM, linear_panda said:

I'm sorry about yr bro and yr dog

my grandpa's bro just died a year ago all alone in England

no one even knew until a whole year later since he was kinda antisocial

I kinda wish I'd met him at least once even

 

linear_panda,

This is very sad; and I'm so sorry.

Take good care. 

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On 6/23/2020 at 11:15 PM, linear_panda said:

I dont know why life keeps messing with all of us

linear_panda,

Very good point!! I'm always wondering that, too!! 

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  • 2 weeks later...

It occurred to me the other day that we probably won't have a family reunion this summer, on account of the corona virus, but I figured oh well, we'll get together next year.  Then it occurred to me that I may never see my uncle again.  He's my late mother's youngest brother, the last living family member (by either blood or marriage) of his generation.  He's still relatively functional, both physically and mentally, but he does need supplemental oxygen now, so who knows?

Then I thought well, I could probably go visit him.  But the problem with that is, he has a rowdy sense of humor (which I've never been comfortable with), and since Mom passed on he's tended to be weepy in my presence (which makes me even more uncomfortable).  Mind you he's a thoroughly decent guy, but he rubs me the wrong way,  so even though I sometimes enjoy chatting with him, I prefer to do it with other people around.  If I could think of something specific to talk about, maybe some questions about the old days, I might phone him, but nothing comes to mind.  And it's not like he's depending on me for company; he has five children who live in the area, plus a bunch of grandkids.

I suppose I'll just hope he's still able to attend the next reunion, whenever that may be.

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

wow my family's idea of a "family reunion" is get together on religious holidays and then never even speak to each other the whole entire rest of the year

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hey guys

I hope it's okay to post something like this out of the blue but I'm feeling a little down since my Gramps died yesterday.
Its not anything world-shaking, I only ever used to visit him once a month or so.
But I remember when I used to go visiting I was always annoyed because it took up my time, and I wanted to finish reading

my books instead of going over to his place and having to perch on a chair with papers and articles literally spilling off the shelves,

and seeing him warm up the food my mom had brought in his totally burnt out saucepan.
I just I don't know, I feel bad that I was always so uninterested in him. He used to ask me about my day and what book I was reading-

I used to even take my books over because I was so bored- and I used to wish he'd just stop asking such dumb qs. 

I don't know, I guess I wouldn't mind it now. I just hate that he was dying all that time, he had cancer and some heart problems, but

even when my dad went to visit him fr the last time, I mean I didn't know it obvs but I was just thinking then that "I hope I don't have to

go, Im in the middle of my new book, I don't want to have to make small talk and all that, it's just that all I felt was that he was getting in my 

way.
I just don't even know why Im like this

 

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7 hours ago, linear_panda said:

hey guys

I hope it's okay to post something like this out of the blue but I'm feeling a little down since my Gramps died yesterday.
Its not anything world-shaking, I only ever used to visit him once a month or so.
But I remember when I used to go visiting I was always annoyed because it took up my time, and I wanted to finish reading

my books instead of going over to his place and having to perch on a chair with papers and articles literally spilling off the shelves,

and seeing him warm up the food my mom had brought in his totally burnt out saucepan.
I just I don't know, I feel bad that I was always so uninterested in him. He used to ask me about my day and what book I was reading-

I used to even take my books over because I was so bored- and I used to wish he'd just stop asking such dumb qs. 

I don't know, I guess I wouldn't mind it now. I just hate that he was dying all that time, he had cancer and some heart problems, but

even when my dad went to visit him fr the last time, I mean I didn't know it obvs but I was just thinking then that "I hope I don't have to

go, Im in the middle of my new book, I don't want to have to make small talk and all that, it's just that all I felt was that he was getting in my 

way.
I just don't even know why Im like this

 

Of course it's ok to post that! Especially in this thread. 

I think lots of people have similar experiences with elderly relatives but few are as honest about it as you seem here, even with themselves. 

We often feel like we must love a person because we are related but shared genes don't always have that effect. 

For example, I had a very different relationship with my two grandmothers. One I absolutely  adored and I was devastated when she died to the point that some people thought I was faking it for attention because loss of a grandparent shouldn't be that hard. The other grandmother I never managed to love. I really tried but aside from the general "love thy neighbor" type of love I can usually muster for anyone, no personal affection ever happened and when she left this world, I actually felt relieved and nothing more. 

It's great that you visited him anyway even though you could have used the time for yourself. He probably appreciated it, don't you think? 

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3 hours ago, T.o.b.y said:

I think lots of people have similar experiences with elderly relatives


Oh, for sure.  Have a look at my recent post about my uncle.

 

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9 hours ago, linear_panda said:

hey guys

I hope it's okay to post something like this out of the blue but I'm feeling a little down since my Gramps died yesterday.
Its not anything world-shaking, I only ever used to visit him once a month or so.
But I remember when I used to go visiting I was always annoyed because it took up my time, and I wanted to finish reading

my books instead of going over to his place and having to perch on a chair with papers and articles literally spilling off the shelves,

and seeing him warm up the food my mom had brought in his totally burnt out saucepan.
I just I don't know, I feel bad that I was always so uninterested in him. He used to ask me about my day and what book I was reading-

I used to even take my books over because I was so bored- and I used to wish he'd just stop asking such dumb qs. 

I don't know, I guess I wouldn't mind it now. I just hate that he was dying all that time, he had cancer and some heart problems, but

even when my dad went to visit him fr the last time, I mean I didn't know it obvs but I was just thinking then that "I hope I don't have to

go, Im in the middle of my new book, I don't want to have to make small talk and all that, it's just that all I felt was that he was getting in my 

way.
I just don't even know why Im like this

 

@linear_panda I'm so sorry for your loss.

Take good care, and Kindest Regards to you.

Douglas 

 

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