jokesandlife

I apologize if these jokes were posted before or if any of these jokes might seem a bit tasteless. Sherlock Holmes Jokes: 1. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip. They walked and hiked the whole day, and in the evening, they found a campsite. They set up their tent, and after a full supper, both fell fast asleep. In the middle of the night, Sherlock Holmes wakes up Doctor Watson. Holmes tells Watson: "look up above yourself and tell me what you see." Watson looks upward and says: "I see the sky full of stars." Holmes asks Watson: "What can you deduce from that?" And Watson says: "Astronomically, I deduce that the Universe has billions of stars and millions of galaxies. Astrologically, I deduce that Saturn is in the sign of Leo. Meteorologically, I deduce that the sky is clear and the weather is nice. And what do you deduce, Holmes?" To which Sherlock Holmes famously replied: "It's elementary, my dear Watson. Someone had stolen our tent." 2. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were flying in a hot air balloon across the desert. Soon, they lost direction and were forced to land the balloon on the ground. Suddenly, a strange appeared out of sand dunes. Holmes asked the man: "Can you please tell us where we are?" The man began to think very hard for many minutes, after which he finally replied: "You are inside the hot air balloon in the middle of the desert." Holmes made a remark to Watson: "I can deduce that this man is an engineer." Doctor Watson was amazed: "Holmes, how could you determine the profession of a complete stranger?" To which Sherlock Holmes famously replied: "It's elementary, my dear friend.Only an engineer thinks so long and so hard when given a problem to solve. And only an engineer always gives such a correct, precise, and accurate answer, but such an answer that has absolutely no practical use." 3. Sherlock Holmes found a broken bottle on the street. As he began to examine the bottle, a genie came out of the bottle. The genie spoke to Holmes with a human voice: "Dear Holmes, I will grant three of your most sacred wishes. But because I am an evil genie, your arch-nemesis Professor Moriarty will get twice as much from every wish that you make." Holmes made his first wish: "I would like to smoke a pipe." Right away, one pipe appeared in Holmes's mouth, and somewhere far away, two pipes appeared in Professor Moriarty's mouth. Holmes continued: "Now, my second wish is to play a new violin." An instant later, a shiny polished violin appeared in Holmes's hands, while Professor Moriarty got two such violins. "And now my last wish," Holmes spoke, "genie, I would like you to beat me half to death." 4. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the author of stories and novels about Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson was returning to England from a summer vacation. After got off the steamboat, he caught a horse drawn cab to get home. The cab driver said: "Welcome home, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." Conan Doyle was amazed that the cab driver recognized him. He asked him: "How did you know that I am Conan Doyle?" The cab driver replied: "This is nothing simpler that a chain of deductive logical reasoning. First of all, you have a distinctive smell of medications, so I determined that your main profession is a doctor. Second, your right hand is significantly longer than your left hand. This only happens to people who write for many long hours, so I deduced that your secondary profession is that of a writer. Then, your facial features and dress style suggest that you are an Englishman, but you have tan typical to that of the Mediterranean area. London Times wrote that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was returning from vacation in Italy, so by adding all the evidence, I recognized that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." Conan Doyle was amazed even more. He said: "You are a genius, and you are a real life counterpart to my literary creation, Sherlock Holmes." To which the cab driver replied: "But I also forgot one more piece of evidence. your name is written in large letters in chalk on both sides of all your suitcases." 5. A conversation in the public restroom. Sherlock Holmes is using a urinal next to a man, dressing in orthodox Jewish clothing. Holmes examines the man and tells him: "My deductive reasoning tells me that you are a Jewish man from New York." The man replies: "Yes, how did you know?" Holmes continues: "My deductive reasoning tells me that you attend the Temple Beth El." the man says: "Yes, how did you know?" Holmes continues: "You were circumcised by Rabbi Goldberg, the mohel who works in that synagogue." The man is amazed, and he says: "Yes, but how did you know about the mohel?" To which Sherlock Holmes replies: "I know that Rabbi Goldberg always cuts at a slant and you are peeing on my foot." 6. Sherlock Holmes died and went to heaven. Right away, he was given a difficult assignment to find Adam, the first man. In five minutes, Holmes came to the Pearly Gates, dragging Adam by the hand. Holmes was asked how he could tell so easily that this man was indeed Adam. To which Sherlock Holmes replied: "Elementary, my dear G-d. Adam is the only man without a navel."