Just For Laughs

[Meyers]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.. The police are looking into it.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion..

 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

 

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Carol the Dabbler]

* g-r-o-a-n * 

 

 

[Caya]

Oh dear, that made me both laugh out loud and my head hurt (some of those were fiendishly difficult for a non-native speaker):

 

If you never played Nord and Bert Couldn't Make Head or Tail of It, you certainly should .

[Ruthyone]

A few of those reminded me of an English comic called Les Dawson - he's no longer with us but here's some of his famous one-liners.........

 

Les Dawson Stand Up Jokes

 

I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'

 

I upset the wife's mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire.

 

She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark

 

Duck goes into the chemist's shop. 'A tube of lipsol please.' 'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 'Put it on my bill, please.'

 

I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up.

 

She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.

 

Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off

 

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

 

I don't have to do this for a living, I just do it for the luxuries like bread and shoes.

 

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

 

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.

 

" What amazes me is that so many people think showbusiness is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, it's about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic.

 

No laughs hey? I know the act smells, but I'm right on top of it and you don't hear me complain.

 

I was lying in bed the other morning playing a lament on my euphonium when the wife, who was prising her teeth out of an apple, looked back at me and said softly, 'Joey.' She calls me Joey because she always wanted a budgie.

 

She said, 'I'm homesick.' I said, 'But precious one, this is your home.' She said, 'I know, and I'm sick of it.'

 

He drank so heavy, the only thing that grew on his grave were hops.

 

A letter came from the bank. I could tell it was from the bank as it was written on a wreath nailed to the front door.

 

People say to me, 'Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.' By the time she smiles on me she won't have any teeth left.

 

I wouldn't say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply.

 

I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels?

 

There was an old farmer from Greece

Who did terrible things to his geese

But he went too far

with a budgerigar

And the parrot phoned the police.

 

I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, 'What do you think I am? A trout?'

 

I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope.

 

Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I've been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he's too old for that sort of thing. So now I'll have to play on the swings on my own.

 

I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.' I

 

'm not saying the wife's ugly, but last christmas she stood under the mistle toe waiting for someone to kiss and she was still there at lent.

 

In fact she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

 

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

 

The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."

 

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'

 

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

 

You see the trouble is he's very old fashioned. When he gives you an injection you have to bite on a bullet.

 

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/lesdawsonjokes.html

[sherlockandjohn]

Great stuff, though I'm also banging my head in frustration over some of them, not being a native speaker of English.

 

One I saw the other day:

 

"10 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!"

[sherlockandjohn]

 

 

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.

 

 

This sounds like something Sherlock might say Remember ASiP: "So you stopped her husband getting executed?" "Oh, no, I ensured it."

[Meyers]

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories.

 

As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.

 

The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before."

 

The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.

 

The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

 

Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

 

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

 

"What is that?''

 

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

 

 

MEYERS

[sherlockandjohn]

Ha! That was a good one. So good, in fact, that I wonder if it's real, and not something ACD came up with

[The Rani]

Thanks for sharing that Meyers 

[Carol the Dabbler]

Great stuff, though I'm also banging my head in frustration over some of them, not being a native speaker of English.

 

Feel free to ask!  (A joke may not be as funny if it's been explained to you, but jokes are a good way to learn idioms.)

[sherlockandjohn]

 

Great stuff, though I'm also banging my head in frustration over some of them, not being a native speaker of English.

 

Feel free to ask!  (A joke may not be as funny if it's been explained to you, but jokes are a good way to learn idioms.)

 

 

Thanks! Well, I've been able to figure some out by googling words, but this one I still don't understand:

 

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

Aleutian is a person from the Aleutian Islands... which in itself doesn't make for a joke, but I'm guessing 'aleutian' sounds like another word you have...?

[Carol the Dabbler]

It's a pun on "optical illusion."  I can see how that one might have stumped you, since the words aren't all that similar.

 

[Arcadia]

This starts slow but gets pretty funny at the end...

http://www.buzzfeed.com/keelyflaherty/thoughts-everyone-has-when-they-watch-the-first-episode-o