Shoot the Wall (A.K.A. The Rant Thread)

[Fantasy Lover]

Maybe she felt offended that you doubted her abilities as a health Guru. Anyway I just googled it and the answer is yes, it has 358 mg per 100 g in case you were wondering.

[besleybean]

Thanks and yes I get all of that...

But personally I wouldn't unfriend somebody for it.

[besleybean]

Sorry to reply to my own post...

Just to say that I have messaged a mutual Facebook friend of ours, one who I occasionally chat to...

to see if she has anything to offer.

[Carol the Dabbler]

Sounds like a good idea. Maybe it was, like you suggested, that she took something you said the wrong way -- maybe took some matter-of-fact statement as a snide remark, for example. And it's possible that you've unintentionally been rubbing her the wrong way for a while, and some minor thing was merely the last straw.

I've experienced that sort of thing in real life, and all I can figure is that he (the husband of a friend) never had really liked me, and had merely been tolerating me for his wife's sake. But I had no hint of that till he suddenly started screaming at me in a restaurant and stomped out, leaving the three of us utterly bewildered.  Social situations don't always make logical sense, at least not without more background information than is generally provided.

[besleybean]

Oh yeah I've kind of experienced that in real life too, though it all sort of came good in the end.

Well after the death of my husband, all his pals have gathered around and supported me...

[Arcadia]

You never know about people. I've had some react to me in ways that have stunned me, for both good and for ill. Some people were just as puzzled by their reaction as I was, some people seemed to think I was faking my confusion and should have known exactly what set the other person off. We're all different, I guess. It's a bit frustrating sometimes, isn't it?  

Based on what's happened to friends and family members, I'm inclined to think that the person that does the unfriending/surprising reactions is more to blame than the person they are reacting to. Their expectations are too high, or their patience too low, or something. 

[Carol the Dabbler]

1 hour ago, Arcadia said:

Based on what's happened to friends and family members, I'm inclined to think that the person that does the unfriending/surprising reactions is more to blame than the person they are reacting to. Their expectations are too high, or their patience too low, or something.

Or perhaps they've been forcing themselves -- for whatever reason -- to put up with a person or a situation that they are -- for whatever reason -- not comfortable with, and after just so long they finally snap.

[Van Buren Supernova]

On 1/10/2020 at 11:29 AM, besleybean said:

Somebody on Facebook has unfriended me...

Obviously took exception to my post-

But really, how mature is that!

Am I really so horrible?

Technical question: how do you know if someone unfriend you?

To offer view from the other side, I do unfriend people back then when I was still active personally (now I have to be on Fb again for work purpose, but it's not personal, it's just a shell account so I never bother get more of it than for occasionally business need).

So back then, the ones that I unfriend:

- I realize that they are not actually a real friend of mine after I have accepted their requests thinking that they are ones. Simple reason of not wanting strangers to know what I'm up to, and that is also pushing the edge, because the 'friends' that I have are obviously not always the ones I would call friend. I guess digital world changes the meaning of friends a lot. Also back then, I wasn't aware about people just inviting strangers to be friends, for number sake? I'm not sure.

- Those who put up too many things I don't want to see. Again, this is probably outdated, but there were tons of game invitations that I didn't care about, then people who posted whatever unnecessary status very excessively. I don't need to know that you were just having a cup of coffee or taking a dump. Then there were ones who think that their families (especially babies) are public display and posted every single details of them, I mean every single details including poop stain. It's numbskull of how they endangered their own privacy and whereabouts. I'm talking about extreme ones. Then the ones who posted extreme negative stuffs like violence, racism or explicit contents that I find offensive. The ones who got too uncomfortably close through pms or messaging in real life, and showing signs of knowing more than they should, more than anyone should that it got creepy. And of course, the real toxic friend that I actually really unfriend in real life.

Those were my reasons. I wouldn't block someone just because of some simple disagreement, in most way I think it's interesting for conversation, especially that you have found some common ground or show interest in my passion, like the case you gave.

20 hours ago, Arcadia said:

You never know about people. I've had some react to me in ways that have stunned me, for both good and for ill. Some people were just as puzzled by their reaction as I was, some people seemed to think I was faking my confusion and should have known exactly what set the other person off. We're all different, I guess. It's a bit frustrating sometimes, isn't it? 

Isn't it what brings us here? I found that I'm in Sherlock's shoes sometimes. Eh... did I just say something offensive? by other's reaction. It's always good if they bother to give explanation, but yah, it's difficult if they think we SHOULD know or faking it. Geez, they should watch Sherlock. What are they watching? Elmo?

[Artemis]

31 minutes ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

I found that I'm in Sherlock's shoes sometimes. Eh... did I just say something offensive? by other's reaction.

^ Same.

I've been talking to people online for many long years, and have had many strange fallings-out and ghostings that seemed to come out of nowhere, or stemmed from what I viewed as very minor misunderstandings.  It used to really upset me, because those friendships were important to me and I rarely understood what prompted their end.  Worst of all, I think, was that it negatively affected my confidence to a large degree.  I started doubting myself all the time, wondering if I was doing or saying something wrong, abnormal, inappropriate, etc.

I'm not sure exactly when I stopped caring so much.  But these days, if it happens, I just let them go.  I don't try to talk to them about it, I don't try to find out what happened, I don't try to fix whatever problem they have with me, I don't chase them down.  I'll still be sad, and I'll still wonder what went wrong.  Briefly.  But ultimately I just assume that my friendship wasn't valuable enough to them, and move on.

Of course, I've also stopped investing so much into online friendships in the first place, so that makes it easier.

 

[Artemis]

Just a few weeks ago I had an "unfriending" experience myself.  I recently connected with a cousin and aunt on my mother's side, and I was quite enjoying it.  Then, suddenly, I saw that my cousin had unfriended me.  Over Christmas, my mom told me that my cousin had unfriended her as well.  She said that my cousin had "come out" as bisexual in a post on Facebook.  I didn't see the post, because I'm hardly ever on FB.  Long story short, there was drama between my aunt and my cousin; and my aunt, to hide the fact that she herself had said something disapproving about the post, told my cousin that my mom had said it.  So my cousin unfriended my mom, and, assuming that I felt the same way that she assumed my mom felt, also unfriended me, and won't talk to either of us now.

The moral of the story, I suppose, is that sometimes you haven't done anything at all, and as gnawing as it is, all you can do is shrug your shoulders and let people be wrong about you.

 

[besleybean]

You are all so sensible on here!

[Van Buren Supernova]

17 hours ago, Artemis said:

^ Same.

I've been talking to people online for many long years, and have had many strange fallings-out and ghostings that seemed to come out of nowhere, or stemmed from what I viewed as very minor misunderstandings.  It used to really upset me, because those friendships were important to me and I rarely understood what prompted their end.  Worst of all, I think, was that it negatively affected my confidence to a large degree.  I started doubting myself all the time, wondering if I was doing or saying something wrong, abnormal, inappropriate, etc.

I'm not sure exactly when I stopped caring so much.  But these days, if it happens, I just let them go.  I don't try to talk to them about it, I don't try to find out what happened, I don't try to fix whatever problem they have with me, I don't chase them down.  I'll still be sad, and I'll still wonder what went wrong.  Briefly.  But ultimately I just assume that my friendship wasn't valuable enough to them, and move on.

Of course, I've also stopped investing so much into online friendships in the first place, so that makes it easier.

 

In my place, there is a saying that false accusation is crueler than murder, which I agree in many cases.

I guess if someone believe what others say about you, without giving you benefit of the doubt or checking with you, they don't deserve your time. Moving on, yes. Good for you. As I grow older, these are the toxins that we need to clean from our lives, might as well dedicate our time and energy to something else than worrying about them.

[Carol the Dabbler]

13 hours ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

I guess digital world changes the meaning of friends a lot. Also back then, I wasn't aware about people just inviting strangers to be friends, for number sake? I'm not sure.

I wasn't aware of that at first either, so I accepted a few Facebook "friend" requests from people I know.  Then one day on Classmates.com, I noticed someone listed in our class that I'd never heard of, so I PM'd her asking if perhaps she had gone to a similarly-named school in another state.  She replied that she had indeed, and would fix her Classmates account.  And then I got a Facebook "friend" request from her.  I DID NOT KNOW THIS WOMAN!!!!  The only thing we had in common was having graduated in the same year from schools a thousand miles apart with similar names.  So I gently turned down her "friend" request, then explained to the few people whose requests I'd already accepted that I wasn't doing that any more, no offense intended, and unfriended them.  And put up a notice that anyone who wants to get in touch should PM me rather than sending a "friend" request.  Anyhow, yeah, either a "friend" request means merely "thank you" online, or they're seeing how many "friends" they can collect.  Your guess is as good as mine (which ain't saying much, sorry!)

13 hours ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

I don't need to know that you were just having a cup of coffee or taking a dump.

Of course not -- that's what Twitter's for!

12 hours ago, Artemis said:

I've been talking to people online for many long years, and have had many strange fallings-out and ghostings that seemed to come out of nowhere, or stemmed from what I viewed as very minor misunderstandings.  It used to really upset me, because those friendships were important to me and I rarely understood what prompted their end.  Worst of all, I think, was that it negatively affected my confidence to a large degree.

I was pretty active on my very first forum for a while, but then due to real life I needed to take some time off, so I posted a notice asking people to send a PM rather than posting anything to me, till further notice.  One gal that I'd been thinking of as sort of a friend posted a reply saying "Carol, come baaack!!!" in an obvious parody of Streetcar Named Desire, and another member congratulated her on being so witty.  This hurt my feelings pretty bad, but after some thought I decided that those two members weren't even thinking of me as a real person, just as some internet phenomenon.  So even though it still hurt, I was able to shrug it off to a fair extent.  And like you say, I don't generally invest so much in online relationships these days -- at least not without a good reason.

10 hours ago, Van Buren Supernova said:

I guess if someone believe what others say about you, without giving you benefit of the doubt or checking with you, they don't deserve your time.

Unfortunately people will do that.  Even basically sensible people are all too eager to believe bad things about another person.  On one job, I would from time to time find out that my then-boss had been saying negative things about me, and apparently even people who wouldn't believe him if he said the sun rose in the east would believe these negative things, even though they seemed to be on good terms with me in general.  In his defense, I will say that he probably believed he was telling the truth, but his idea of how to go about doing things was quite a lot different from mine, and therefore he believed that I wasn't making an honest effort.  (Also, blaming me kept people from blaming him!  )

 

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

One gal that I'd been thinking of as sort of a friend posted a reply saying "Carol, come baaack!!!"

For what it's worth, I would have interpreted that as a compliment … i.e., they didn't want you to go. Unless I'm misunderstanding the context?

I think that's the biggest problem with not-face-to-face communication … it's so much harder to read the other person's intent when you can't see them. Emoties help, but still …. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[besleybean]

Yes I thought I should maybe have employed an emoticon...in my unfortunate exchange with the facebook friend.

Anyhow, our mutual friend got back to me...

She says she unfriended that particular individual ages ago: yes, knowledgable nurse, but thinks she's an expert in everything and absolutely no sense of humour...

[Carol the Dabbler]

1 hour ago, Arcadia said:

For what it's worth, I would have interpreted that as a compliment … i.e., they didn't want you to go. Unless I'm misunderstanding the context?

I did take it that way very briefly, but no, upon further consideration (and I wish I could recall the details) it was clearly meant as a joke.  I think the poster was primarily getting my thread off the "unanswered threads" list, but imho a simple "hope to see you back soon" would have been far preferable to a parody that came across as sarcasm.  And the member who responded to it clearly took it as witty rather than sincere.

[Artemis]

6 hours ago, Arcadia said:

For what it's worth, I would have interpreted that as a compliment … i.e., they didn't want you to go.

Me too.  Actually I've said exactly that to people when they've left a site, not knowing that it was connected to "A Streetcar Named Desire" or that it could be taken negatively.  I hope I haven't unwittingly offended anyone.   

 

[Carol the Dabbler]

Now y'all have me wondering whether I may have misinterpreted. I certainly didn't think so then, and I still don't think so, but I don't recall the details well enough any more to say for sure.

I guess this points up the importance of being careful how you word things, lest someone take an innocent parody for ridicule, or whatever.

I don't think you need to worry, though, Artemis. You tend to come across as very genuine.

[Artemis]

2 hours ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

I guess this points up the importance of being careful how you word things, lest someone take an innocent parody for ridicule, or whatever.

I wasn't even parodying anything, I was just using my own words.  "Come baaaack" is fairly generic, I would have thought.

I would add that it's equally important to ask someone what they meant by something before you get angry about it.  Despite my best efforts, I still get misconstrued, and I can't spend all my energy obsessing about my choice of words.  Just communicate, both ways.

(P.S.  That's a general "you", not directed at you, Carol; I have no idea about those people's motives.)

(P.P.S.  Should have chosen my words more carefully.    To be clear, I didn't mean just angry, but also sad/upset/offended/insulted/disrespected/[insert feeling here]... basically just, before deciding how to feel about it, if you're having a negative response, double check the intent.  Especially if your response is going to involve cutting someone out of your life, or impact your behavior in the future.)

 

[Carol the Dabbler]

50 minutes ago, Artemis said:

it's equally important to ask someone what they meant by something before you get angry about it.

I agree.  But I didn't get angry and I didn't say anything, I just felt rejected and therefore didn't come back for much longer than I'd originally planned.

Went looking for that thread just now, but that forum is huge and its search function is quite rudimentary, so no luck.  So I guess I'll never know whether or not I misinterpreted the other member's response.  Based on what little I recall, it may have been disrespectful, or it may have been merely playful -- but it definitely struck me as the former, at the time, I just don't recall why.

[Artemis]

35 minutes ago, Carol the Dabbler said:

Went looking for that thread just now, but that forum is huge and its search function is quite rudimentary, so no luck.

That's probably just as well; I always feel some renewed sadness after digging up an old painful memory.  Sounds like it happened quite awhile ago and it's better off remaining where it is, in my experience.  You seem a rational person and you should just trust your judgement.  I'm sorry it happened, though.   

 

[Carol the Dabbler]

27 minutes ago, Artemis said:

Sounds like it happened quite awhile ago and it's better off remaining where it is, in my experience.  You seem a rational person and you should just trust your judgement.  I'm sorry it happened, though. 

Thanks, I'll take your advice.  And yes, it was almost twenty years ago.

[besleybean]

I once had a bit of an incident with one of my dearest old friends...

Mum gave me a bit of good advice: is the friendship worth saving?  Could you live without this person in your life?

I decided it was and no I couldn't...

We lost touch for a while, but she became very good friends with my sis.

About 2 and half years ago, we all met up again...

We meet up every year, now.

So glad we are still pals.

I mean I see my sister more often, but we three friends(plus a fourth) all meet up once a year.

[Arcadia]

4 hours ago, besleybean said:

Mum gave me a bit of good advice: is the friendship worth saving?  Could you live without this person in your life?

That's what I'm struggling with … are some of my friendships worth saving? I don't have that many friends to begin with, I hate to lose the few I've got. But a couple of them are getting … difficult. But they're friends with other friends, if I drop one it will complicate things with the others. *sigh* Patience, patience..... 

[Van Buren Supernova]

On 1/11/2020 at 11:16 PM, Carol the Dabbler said:

...And yes, it was almost twenty years ago.

I am still always questioning why some event in our life affect us more than the other, or some event remain in our memory much stronger than the other. Yes, it's probably true that they made strong impression, but I believe I had equally as strong impressive events that are not imprinted in my head. I am blabbering about specific things we remember more, do you guys have that? Somehow there are things that I'm more hurt about, there are details I remember more vividly, there are embarrassing moments that I still cringe on eventhough years have passed while I have already collected more other hurtful, traumatic and other more embarrassing moments. WHY? There are not first event as well. You get what I mean right? Or I'm talking gilberrish?

On 1/12/2020 at 4:18 AM, Arcadia said:

That's what I'm struggling with … are some of my friendships worth saving? I don't have that many friends to begin with, I hate to lose the few I've got. But a couple of them are getting … difficult. But they're friends with other friends, if I drop one it will complicate things with the others. *sigh* Patience, patience..... 

What if you avoid 2 on 2 (or 1 on 1??) interactions with that particular person and just maintain group outing?

I tend to forgo friendship that I find toxic, and to be honest, I don't miss them and feel relieve shedding their negative impact on me. (but then again, this comes from me that I'm sure I will die friendless). And I'm not good at maintaining too, those who are stuck are the ones with golden hearts and amazing patience. Having said that, if they come to me in need of something or to connect, I always try to help, I'm just not good in constant communication to keep us up to date to each other, that many people require to remain friends.