Speedy's Cafe - General Chat about anything you like!

[Arcadia]

I'm just here for the coffee. Or tea. As the mood strikes.

[Van Buren Supernova]

I'm just here for the coffee. Or tea. As the mood strikes.

You sure?? Coffee and tea are best enjoyed with..... gasp.. Mycroft! Where did you come from?

 

I like dimsum, but can't find decent one around. Fish and chip, can't find a decent one too. Actually, maybe because I am not trying.

 

Anyway, not sure where to put it. I am a bit pissed with my friend right now, because... he is too kind. Yes, you heard that right. I can't stand seeing people taking advantage of him, especially when I found out that the latest culprit is the one I consider friend too.

 

He is not stupid, in fact he is very smart, but he is just... too kind! He does other people's works, lend people money. It's his problem, because he is totally aware that he is being manipulated but just think the effort is not worth it, he'd rather see things go well at work and he fell for sob stories.

It drives me crazy.

 

Why some people unreasonably kind?

I woudn't be bothered had he not share the story with me, knew exactly what I would say, and said he wishes he could be more assertive my way, which means he is not happy about it.

[Arcadia]

I've found one place that has great fish & chips, but my lord it's expensive. A special occasion only place, alas.

 

Unreasonably kind. Interesting phrase. Is it even possible to be? But if he's bothered by feeling used, or whatever, yeah, it's a problem. Does the workplace offer assertiveness training? I had some, and largely flunked, but it did help a wee bit. Or counseling, if he can be persuaded to try it. Just keep telling him it's okay to be bothered by people taking advantage. Maybe someday he'll want to learn how to say no.

[Carol the Dabbler]

I heartily agree with telling him it's OK to feel annoyed. Not so sure about the assertiveness training, though. I recommended that a friend take that and have regretted it ever since. The friend now seems to feel it's "assertive" to bitch about every little thing that's not perfect.

[T.o.b.y]

I don't know if I'd actually call it kindness when you do things for people you'd rather not but you're just too timid / spineless / conflict averse to say no.

 

I think if I really were kind, I wouldn't feel used by people, I'd be glad to help them.

[Arcadia]

I heartily agree with telling him it's OK to feel annoyed. Not so sure about the assertiveness training, though. I recommended that a friend take that and have regretted it ever since. The friend now seems to feel it's "assertive" to bitch about every little thing that's not perfect.

 

Sounds to me like s/he needs to take it again, and listen closer this time. Or find a better teacher! :d

 

[Van Buren Supernova]

There is an assertive course? Never knew that!

 

Actually I don't consider my friend timid and spineless either. I guess it's better explained with cases.

 

At work, he also does the works that should be done by someone else, because that other person is not as competent. We are at fast pace project so if he relies on that person, things are not getting done and it will affect his own works. I can relate with that, sometimes I'd rather do things outside my scope so that there are progresses and it helps with my own schedules. However, I would go to that person and give him a piece of my mind and wash my hand after certain period to teach him a lesson how things are out of control if he doesn't get it together and don't always count on other to do your job.

 

My friend doesn't do that, because according to him it takes longer time and effort and may not yield a result anyway, so he thinks it's not worth it. That incapable person continue to rely on my friend, and I believe that ignorant guy even thought his style of work is fine, because everything is going fine thanks to my friend.

 

Another matter is, 'friends' are coming to him with sob stories to borrow money. I have to say the sob stories are convincing, because I fell for one before. My principle is never to let money goes into friendship or family because it doesn't work, I know it doesn't. Burnt before. But one time I couldn't refuse to also when this colleague came crying, flooding, flooding..! So I lent her money because she promised to pay me back soon. I make more than her, but she has a lot of assets and inheritances while I have mortgage to pay. She needed that urgently for mother's hospital treatment etc and she would only have cash when she collected rent or something like that. So she didn't pay me back on deadlines she set herself again, again with lousy excuses, but continued with lifestyle she shouldn't have if she was in money woes. If I'm promised something, I will hold you to that because promises are not a play thing with me. She finally paid me back because eventhough I exteremely hate talking or asking for it, I insisted because I know she was fooling around and I would not let that happened. She tried again but of course not, I am not to be fooled twice. The thing is, her problems are real, I don't know to what extent but if it's recurring that often, she should have done something else. Sell an asset, save, whatever, don't make use of someone's trust or always relies on others. I would have to be half dead before I borrow money from someone and I would have to be dead first before I refuse to pay them back.

 

I never shared this with anyone and never know her 'coverage' until this friend told me she approached him the same way. I was surprised and disappointed, because eventhough there was bit of incident between us, we are still in good term and I actually tried to help her bit by bit but not by lending money. I also still think she has higher moral ground (have reasons for that) so now she seems very despicable to me. Unfortunately, he hasn't recovered what he was owed and ironically, we were talking about it because he found out that friend wrote on her facebook shaming someone else for borrowing money from her and never paid her back. Hypocrite much?

 

Anyway, one story leads to others, similar thing happens to him by another colleague in other office. Money woes, family in need, he is a serial victim.

 

The reason why my friend doesn't take any action is mostly because he is lazy, to get into dispute or to put any confrontional efforts.

He did express that he wants to have a bit of my drive sometimes but he is actually okay losing all that money or doing those works. He is unhappy about how people misplacing his trusts but too relax to do something about it as dispute would be more unpleasant and why would he do something that make him more unhappy. I actually want to be like that as in more relax sometimes, because who wants dispute? But I can't, if someone kicks me once, I would kick them twice, and hard. Sometimes I regret it, most of the time I don't.

 

So, I don't know. To me he is unreasonably kind.

 

Geez. Look at the length of the post. Blabbermouth!

[Arcadia]

I recognize myself in a lot of that. I often do things myself because I know I can do them better, faster, etc. and/or because I want to avoid confrontation. The difference being that I'm working as a volunteer, and with volunteers, so it's not like I can "order" someone to get better or else. But I can relate. (It's easy for me to say "no" to loaning money, though, because I don't have any to loan. )

 

But I do like to think that I choose my battles, that there are certain points at which I will stand my ground. Most things just aren't worth the effort of a fight, to me. I'll grump about something for awhile, get it out of my system, and move on. But if it gets to be an ongoing point of distress, eventually I'll say something. Not always in the best way, but it will come out. So maybe you're friend is like that ... he's just not bothered by it enough to do anything about it. Yet.

 

Assertiveness training ... I worked for a couple of places that offered such things, and I have a friend who's a former counselor who has worked with me on it a few times. It doesn't come naturally to me!!! I've always blamed the "Perceiver" aspect of my personality; it's hard to be assertive when you see so many different sides of the issue! How do I solidly state my position when it's always shifting slightly? But I still think it helped ... I have more boundaries about what I will/will not accept than I used to, and that's a step in the right direction. But I still struggle to speak assertively with people who offend me or whatever; bit passive/aggressive, I'm afraid. Working on it, working on it......

 

In my own defense -- I do fall into the "try to treat people as I would like to be treated" camp. And I like to be treated with kindness, patience and tolerance, so ... that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! :D

[Van Buren Supernova]

Interesting. You know what? I originally want to put this in MBTI thread because.. my friend is an INTP, like you!

He stated reasons similar to what you said, that it's difficult to be assertive because he sees too many sides. I saw him stand his ground once or twice, and to my experience, 'patient' people are scarier when they are angry.

 

This is fascinating. I don't know if other INTP can relate to this.

 

But for you to know, I am pissed! :p because I hate seeing him being taken advantage of by those ungrateful people. XD Kick them more and hard, of course my way to hell is straighter than yours, but at least it is paved with people who kick me first.

[Arcadia]

Oh yeah, when I'm mad, you know it.

 

See, that's why we need different personality types. Us wimpy INTP's need ass-kickers around us to remind us it's okay to stand up for ourselves!

[Van Buren Supernova]

Oh oh.. don't pretend to be wimpy while the fact is you don't care to waste efforts with those idiots XD

[Shadow Dweller]

Careful, VBS, remember how sweet Sherlock can be when he wants something. "Hello, brother dear, how are you?" (or something like that) ~ THoB *snickers*

[Van Buren Supernova]

Wait.. but what is it got to do.. I am confused...

 

 

Anyway, I had good chuckles from these so maybe you guys need some too

 

 

 

 

 

[Carol the Dabbler]

I've actually seen those last two (except for the waffles).

[Arcadia]

I think that intersecting roads sign is just up the way from me. ;)

[Carol the Dabbler]

Y'know, I do believe you're right. That's a standard road design in the DC area, isn't it?

[Arcadia]

Yes, I believe that's the model the Beltway interchanges were built on. :d

[Van Buren Supernova]

Oh my, really?

Why.. why would they have that kind of road?

 

But I am sure you don't have this

[Arcadia]

Oh my, really?

Why.. why would they have that kind of road?

The better to confuse us with, my dear! :D

 

But I am sure you don't have this

 

Yes, I'm pretty sure you're right.

[Van Buren Supernova]

This is nothing, just..weird.

I have spam daily on my phone, eventhough I always use block option and never give away numbers or sign up for anything unless it's really necessary.

 

But it's not everyday that I have this kind of international spam, and never msg from this number (Brief check +44 is UK), have ignored it and when I finally saw them I realized that these are different numbers. I don't know anyone there close enough to know my number.

 

I had purchased something from UK websites a couple of days ago, maybe that? But it's reputable website and I did necessary clean up after that.

 

Any similar experience?

[Carol the Dabbler]

I haven't had that experience with my phone, but it sure sounds like some emails I've gotten. I think they're just trying to verify that it's a working number, so they can sell it to the spammers -- so (and I'm sure you figured this out already) don't answer!!!

[Van Buren Supernova]

Yes I never answer or reply those, no matter how much I want to say nasty stuff back, there are so many..!

[Shadow Dweller]

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2016/09/23/science/discarded-goldfish-invasive-species.html?Now, who said that gold fish is cute, harmless and dumb? :D

[Fantasy Lover]

Guys, you can take a patronus test on pottermore! I got a piebald stallion!

[Arcadia]

Cool. Here's the link for anyone who'd like to try it. You have to register to use it. https://my.pottermore.com/patronus