Speedy's Cafe - General Chat about anything you like!

[SherlockedCAMPer]

 

Been quiet around here lately...

 

It's Sunday. For some reason we all seem to think it's a sin to post on the Sabbath. :D

:

If we weren't posting on the Sabbath, then Saturday would be slower than Sunday as Sunday has never truly been the Sabbath ever. (My inner religion geek is showing up again)

 

I've never wanted kids, I've been told I'll change my mind but never been accused of being selfish - I've always thought families with loads of kids were the selfish ones tbh.

How would they be selfish? I've always put it to either they really like kids or tried and failed the natural planning method.

[Artemis]

I'm not young enough anymore to say I'm too young for children.  Wish I could use that excuse!  I was never quite sure whether I wanted children or not, but I have been called selfish for even entertaining the idea of not.

 

It's Sunday. For some reason we all seem to think it's a sin to post on the Sabbath. :D

 

I didn't mean just today though, lol.

 

 

[sally.lloyd1]

Just watched to program on the 100th Anniversary of Passchendaele. I have never cried so much. Awful.

 

 

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[Fantasy Lover]

I've never wanted kids, I've been told I'll change my mind but never been accused of being selfish - I've always thought families with loads of kids were the selfish ones tbh.

I agree, there are 8 billion people on this planet. For the love of God, use a condom! We don't need more shows like 19 kids and counting.

 

I'm not young enough anymore to say I'm too young for children. Wish I could use that excuse! I was never quite sure whether I wanted children or not, but I have been called selfish for even entertaining the idea of not.

if I ever reach that age (which will probably happen in the next 3 years or so) I'll answer that I'm not ready for it yet because it's a huge responsibility.

[sally.lloyd1]

 

I've never wanted kids, I've been told I'll change my mind but never been accused of being selfish - I've always thought families with loads of kids were the selfish ones tbh.

I agree, there are 8 billion people on this planet. For the love of God, use a condom! We don't need more shows like 19 kids and counting.

 

I'm not young enough anymore to say I'm too young for children. Wish I could use that excuse! I was never quite sure whether I wanted children or not, but I have been called selfish for even entertaining the idea of not.

if I ever reach that age (which will probably happen in the next 3 years or so) I'll answer that I'm not ready for it yet because it's a huge responsibility!

.

 

There is nothing wrong with not having kids. But the world makes me feel less than. It's society that makes you feel like you've made a bad choice. An it's parents that seem to get all the help.

 

 

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[Pseudonym]

That's exactly my reason, the world is already hideously overpopulated. 

 

I don't know, I've never been shy about saying I don't want kids, if someone feels that's selfish (which I can't see the reasoning for at all) then that's their problem not mine. I certainly don't feel like it's a bad choice.

 

What do you mean when you say parents get the hope sally.lloyd1? Hope for what? And welcome to the forum btw, I see your new.  

[sally.lloyd1]

That's exactly my reason, the world is already hideously overpopulated.

 

I don't know, I've never been shy about saying I don't want kids, if someone feels that's selfish (which I can't see the reasoning for at all) then that's their problem not mine. I certainly don't feel like it's a bad choice.

 

What do you mean when you say parents get the hope sally.lloyd1? Hope for what? And welcome to the forum btw, I see your new.

.

 

It was my flaming auto correct. I meant help. And thanks for the welcome. I've finally got this to work without me swearing and threatening do kill my phone.

 

 

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[Pseudonym]

Ah yes, I know that well. I typed my first post whilst out jogging, and then had to retype it twice before it made a modicum of sense. As for using Tapatalk, I can't get on with that at all, I have to use the full view version on my phone browser. 

[Artemis]

"Watson's adorable little run," lol.

 

 

[Carol the Dabbler]

OK, I'll take it as a challenge to explain why some people say it's selfish to have no children.

 

I think it's the basic idea that the human race needs to perpetuate itself (and I won't argue), so if you don't have kids, then you're putting the burden on someone else.

 

As I see it,the flaw in that logic is that plenty of people seem quite eager to take up the supposed slack. Of course, there's a good bit of debate over just how many people are needed to carry on, versus how many are too many. So far, the world seems fairly adaptable, but even that depends on who you ask.

[Pseudonym]

That's ridiculous though. It's not like most of the human race has been wiped out and it's down to me and my ovaries to repopulate. 

[Carol the Dabbler]

I suspect that some people feel obliged to reproduce (for whatever reason -- religious beliefs, parental pressure, people calling them "selfish"....), even though they're not personally keen on it, and would feel less put-upon if you were also in that situation. In short, misery loves company.

[Carol the Dabbler]

Yeah, the more I think about it, that's gotta be it. Someone who has kids because they love having kids may encourage you to have kids because they assume it would make you happy. They wouldn't try to lay a guilt trip on you.

 

Or are your accusers by any chance childless themselves? That would put a different spin on it.

[Artemis]

The way I've heard it explained is that it's the (alleged) reasons behind not wanting children that means you are a selfish person, not just not bringing more humans into the world.  Children demand responsibility and sacrifice, and if you're unwilling to take on those responsibilities or make those sacrifices, it's because you are too selfish to do so.

 

Put another way, their logic is: "The only reason you don't want kids is because you don't want to give up your time/freedom to do whatever you want/whatever, i.e. you are selfish."

 

So they say.

 

 

[Pseudonym]

Dunno, I haven't been accused of being selfish. That's the other thing I find ridiculous, I am not maternal, I don't have a great deal of patience, I find my cats too clingy at times, me having a kid is a terrible idea all around - but hey, as long as I'm repopulating who cares if both myself and the kid are in for at least eighteen years of misery? 

I think religion must play a big part for a lot of folk, but I'm giving that side of things a wide berth, I'm pretty sure there's a reason we don't have a religion thread, the politics one gets heated enough!

[elbafo]

Wow, I have four kids, and I've never been accused of being selfish before. Nor do I think everyone needs to reproduce. I have kids because I love kids. Everyone else can do what they like.

[Pseudonym]

It's more the 19 kids and counting number of kids I was talking about. But even if I did meet someone who had twenty odd kids I'd never out and accuse them of being selfish the way people seem to with people with no kids. Generally I think live and let live really.

[Artemis]

I don't hear it directed at me personally as often as I hear it directed at people choosing to remain childless in general.  For example:

 

TV: "A new survey finds that more millennials are waiting to have children, or not having children at all."

Person watching: "That's so selfish.  They just don't want to grow up and be responsible adults or give anything up or contribute to society, everything's 'me, me, me'.  Selfish millennials are selfish, *grumblegrumblegrumble*..."

 

I've got my own gripes, but I'm worried I might unwittingly say something offensive if I get into them too much, since this is a sensitive topic to many.  All I'll say is that I get far less respect as someone responsibly unmarried and childless than a great number of other people I know who irresponsibly married or had children.  In some people's minds (and society at large), even if it's just subconsciously, I don't get inducted into womanhood until I marry and/or pop out a couple kids, and I will ever be regarded as a child.

 

 

[Artemis]

Not to change the subject, but I came across this YouTube comment this morning and thought it was interesting.

 

"I think the popularity of 'Sherlock' probably comes from a general desire for more slice of life style media, especially in the US.  Not many genres incorporate it.  [...]  We're all just thirsty for home life outside of RomComs."

 

What do you guys think?  True?  False?

 

 

[Van Buren Supernova]

Okay I happen to have a lot of experience in this. (Being called selfish etc).

Everyone around me repopulate the world, the formula for perfect life is almost always 'get married and have kids' until a couple of years ago when I met a lot more open minded people. Previously, it was hellish.

 

Imagine this (everytime I recall this I feel like I want to shove that guy and regret that I didn't),

He was a colleague in my ex-job long time ago. I was merely 27-28. I didn't know him except by name and small pass-by gestures. One day we walked out from elevator and he matched my step and started to ask question, well, point blank about kids. Told him not ready, and I'm working full time so there are a lot to consider. (Well I was too nice back then to even entertain) and he gave me an excellent suggestion; just have one first and send him/her back to my parent (they are in another country) so I have no problem with work and my life, it's easy and cheaper solution. And he also reminded me of my effing biological clock at 27.

 

And he was not the only one who was worried about the activity of my genital and reproductive tools and gives completely illogical unsolicited advice. Most are not even people I consider friends.

 

An aunt once came to me and rubbed my flat stomach (okay, to put into perspective I don't like being touched even when it's only finger tips or even when someone stands too close. And I always show that) and she hugged my waist and put his palm and ask when? When will you decide to have one? Or have you secretly had it?

 

And the condescending advices that it's not hard, I'd find the way once I pop them, I have too much considerations, tick tock and that, selfish.

 

Selfish as what Artemis said, that I enjoy my carefree lifestyle so much I only care for my own happiness and don't care for children. The irony is, one of their main arguments to convince me is 'you'll need someone to support/take care/depend/count on/companion when you are old.' But when I look at them dead in the eyes and said, "So.. that is not selfish", they didn't back down although admit it is kind of selfish.

 

Most of them the people who were busybody have children, many others are relatives.

I also have two very vocal friends who said the same back when they themselves didn't have kids, nagged and bugged me. But when they finally had theirs, one told me he took a secret holiday just to be alone because he doesn't feel like he has time for himself anymore, and told me this is not the lifestyle he wants and eventhough he loves his family, he is having regrets.

The other one was in the edge of depression and told me she couldn't accept the fact that it (having kid) takes all the time she has (no shit, Sherlock) and it's not fair. Noone could answer me when I asked them why they never consider all these in the first place, except that they didn't think it's that difficult.

 

Yah, it's only a life that you have to be responsible with. No biggie. (Frigging eye roll)

 

 

if I ever reach that age (which will probably happen in the next 3 years or so) I'll answer that I'm not ready for it yet because it's a huge responsibility.

If people around you are as annoying as many people around me, take my advice, you don't need to explain.

In the last big family gathering I attended ten over years ago, my youngest brother who was holding his newborn was asked, "So, when is the second one?" So it doesn't stop.

 

The more explanation you give, the more some count it as invitation to meddle more. So I adapt something very effective from my spouse, just grin and say nothing. Screen saver, not responding and reboot mode.

It works so far.

 

Of course it helps that I never attend any gathering anymore. The last one when I met two pairs of aunt/uncle, which is just one two months ago when they happened to transit in my place with my mom, my aunts and uncles didn't bring any of very personal questions up anymore, they even (surprise!) said I made good choices (spoiler alert, they have troubles with their own children's rocky marriage that one pair even ends up having to raise their grandkid).

[Pseudonym]

The cheek of that guy - and then just saying you should ship the kid off for your parent to raise - WTF?

I'm starting to think this nagging to have kids must differ wildly between different countries. I'm still suspecting religion plays a part too. Or maybe it's just that my family is pretty open minded, I was a bit shocked at some comments in the Post Office the other day on an unrelated topic that no one in my family would ever say in a million years. I don't see my extended family, maybe once every ten years, but I can't see them ever being so gauche as to put a hand on my stomach and ask when, I'd probably have a fit and shriek "never!" Ralph Wiggum style. 

 

 

I have been asked by relatives if I'm 'courting' which makes me cringe and I hate, because when I say no there is always an expectation to explain why. I generally just change the subject, I don't need to explain my reasoning just because you (aunt, cousin, whoever) find it unusual. Maybe if I said I was courting the kid question would be next.

[sally.lloyd1]

Dunno, I haven't been accused of being selfish. That's the other thing I find ridiculous, I am not maternal, I don't have a great deal of patience, I find my cats too clingy at times, me having a kid is a terrible idea all around - but hey, as long as I'm repopulating who cares if both myself and the kid are in for at least eighteen years of misery?

I think religion must play a big part for a lot of folk, but I'm giving that side of things a wide berth, I'm pretty sure there's a reason we don't have a religion thread, the politics one gets heated enough!

Given the allergy issues, deformed knee joints and all the other things I had wrong with me I didn't think that having kids was a good idea. Not only that I have depression and didn't want to end up taking my frustrations up on my sprog. Not only that I do like having the freedom to go off and do things without having to worry about kids.

 

I don't think any of that is selfish. In fact I think I would have been more selfish to have a kid just because I could.

 

I do look at other people's kid and babies and feel wistful but o still don't regret making that choice. Also my sister and her husband have two boys so I don't even have to worry on that score.

 

 

 

 

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[T.o.b.y]

Male colleagues / accquaintances going on about your biological clock are the worst. And telling other people, even family members, how they should live their lives is extremely rude and inappropriate.

 

Btw, once you have kids, the intrusion and pressure doesn't stop because then people tell you how to raise your kids and / or that you should have more of them - until they turn around and tell you you're antisocial for having too many.

 

Personally, I think that since the world is overpopulated, it's ridiculous to ask people to reproduce who don't even want to. Contraception and freedom of choice for everyone and be glad there are more resources left for the kids that are truly wanted.

 

A religion thread? Yeah, too dangerous probably but I'd love it, I think religion is absolutely fascinating.

[Pseudonym]

I'd get embroiled in too many arguments I think, I'd have to avoid it entirely.

[SherlockedCAMPer]

I've thought about starting a religion thread briefly a few months back. That can of worms could be fun.

 

 

Not to change the subject, but I came across this YouTube comment this morning and thought it was interesting.

 

"I think the popularity of 'Sherlock' probably comes from a general desire for more slice of life style media, especially in the US. Not many genres incorporate it. [...] We're all just thirsty for home life outside of RomComs."

What do you guys think? True? False?

I don't know if that would be the main reason for its popularity, but definitely agree that we do need stuff like that outside of a romcom. Personally I found the show to be somewhat intellectually stimulating while having funny moments.