Introverts, how is your day?

[Caya]

Dunno, is there something in bloom already round your parts that you could conceivably be allergic to? You could claim that you were up to your eyeballs in antihistamines and that's why you were so muted that evening, and that for sake of your health, you'd rather not go outside for a while unless strictly necessary, to avoid those nasty pollen. With any luck, by the time that whatever you chose stops blooming he'll have forgotten.

[Pseudonym]

Possibly, I did have to go out especially to get hayfever tablets this morning. I have the feeling that would be answered with a 'we'll go somewhere indoors' or 'how about next week' rather than putting him off completely. He might not realise it's a brush off.

Life would be so much easier if everyone just wore a badge saying how willing they were to be approached. 

[Caya]

How about a little LED light you could change the colour of? So you could match your current mood.

Back to your problem, exaggerate? Like, you can't go somewhere indoors because they don't have the right airfilters and/or their doors open/close too often so waaay too much pollen-laden air gets in for your sensitive constitution, and next week is outta the question, it'll be June at least till that crazy plant stops messing with you, or something to that effect.

[T.o.b.y]

Oh Pseud, I feel for you. 

I detest smalltalk as well and I am terrible at it. 

I suppose the right thing to do, theoretically, would be to just tell the guy no. "Thank you, I appreciate your getting in touch but I don't really feel like going out at the moment." 

But who ever does that? 

I have the worst time saying no to people, for whatever reason. 

[SherlockedCAMPer]

It’s only 10:30a here and I’ve been wanting a nap since I woke up at some point before 7 to use the loo and couldn’t fall back asleep. Hoping for a nap this afternoon where I can actually sleep as the head cold that’s taking hold is not fun.

[Hikari]

18 hours ago, Pseudonym said:

I now have to figure out a way of saying no without offending him

Some years ago now, I ended up dating a man who was incredibly awkward and with whom I felt zero connection for about 5 years or so, for the simple reason that I didn't want to hurt his feelings.  I had never before been in the position of having to dump anybody, though I have been on the receiving end a few times, and it feels $hitty.  Hurting someone who's emotionally vulnerable by seeming to judge them as not worthy to continue dating me felt worse than enduring awkward get-togethers for movies and dinner.  This was an LDR and  he lived in another state, so our get-togethers were limited to once a month or less.  But it was still a long time to feel unhappy because while I was trying my best not to make him feel bad . . .I wasted hundreds of hours, if not more acutely aware that this man was not for me.  It was this awkward pseudo-platonic friend thing for years.  I think he would have said we were dating, but merely occupying the same table with someone you struggle to spark with on any level whatsoever does not count as a date for me.  In the end, I did break it off, with a long letter and a series of lengthy phone conversations.  I know he probably does not have any warm feelings left for me, and I have to live with this.  He would have been less hurt in the long run if I'd ripped the Band-Aid off swiftly after our first uncomfortable meeting.  (It was an online connection, and the irony is, 'on paper' we should have been well-suited.)  I agreed to a second date, and a third . .and subsequent weekends, thinking, "Maybe it will get better."  We saw each other so rarely, it was like a first (excruciating) date all over again every single time.

I dragged it out so long because I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, and trying to be kind--things I'd want someone to do for me--but it was too much wear and tear on both of us, for ultimately no purpose.  You don't want one pity coffee to lead to a series of them for 5 years.  We know what we know, and you know he's not for you.  There's no great way to sugarcoat it, so I guess "No, thank you, but it was thoughtful  of you to ask me." is the only way.  Repeat as often as necessary.  It may feel awkward to run into him at future dinners but less so than having a really bad date and then still having to see him around.  Good luck.

[Pseudonym]

That's exactly what I don't want to happen. I've had people get the wrong end of the stick before when I try to brush them off nicely and they think I'm just playing hard to get or I don't mean it.  Don't need the hassle!

I went with the 'too snowed under with work/too exhausted' excuse, since I used that as my excuse for leaving the meal a bit early too. He seemed to take it fine thank god, though I might avoid the group for a few weeks and try a different one. I don't think he'll ask again. It makes it harder to turn down when you're not even sure if it's meant platonically or not. 

 

[Hikari]

14 hours ago, T.o.b.y said:

Oh Pseud, I feel for you. 

I detest smalltalk as well and I am terrible at it. 

I suppose the right thing to do, theoretically, would be to just tell the guy no. "Thank you, I appreciate your getting in touch but I don't really feel like going out at the moment." 

But who ever does that? 

I have the worst time saying no to people, for whatever reason. 

See my story above . . !  I made having a terrible time saying No into a particularly masochistic art form.  And it didn't do him any favors either, in the end, because my final 'No (more)' after a number of years had to hurt a ton more than if I'd had dinner with him once and said, "This isn't going to work out."  I guess I live in terror of being thought a rhymes with Witch.  And when it comes to turning someone down who has displayed romantic interest in us, there's no getting around the fact that the rejected suitor is probably going to feel some negative things like "Why is she so stuck on herself?--She's no supermodel!"  Etc.

Rejection is all part of the process.  Sadly.  Finding a mate via the online/blind fix up method feels very much like interviewing for a job.  I have learned that I need to develop a thicker skin vis. who hurts me, but also to the disappointments I might have to dish out to other people along the way.  We have to pursue what is best for us, to the level to which we know ourselves, and when what we want doesn't align with what someone else wants, that doesn't make us a bad person.  Accommodating someone else's wants at the expense of our own truth isn't healthy.

I have learned the hard way to trust my gut and be more swift about my decisions.  And also, fewer words are probably better than more words.  "I don't really feel like going out at the moment" leaves room for someone to think that there is hope--another moment, another day, another mood--might be the 'ask' that wins.  It's a tough line to walk between being firm and decisive and being a Witch with a B, but that's a risk that goes with the territory.  Somebody is going to wind up feeling not great until he/she doesn't feel that way anymore.  Think of it as freeing them up to pursue *their* right person.

[Carol the Dabbler]

4 hours ago, Hikari said:

Think of it as freeing them up to pursue *their* right person.

Precisely!

[T.o.b.y]

Isn't it interesting how many of us ladies seem to base our decisions on the fear of being disapproved of? We don't want to hurt feelings or give a bad impression or be considered bitchy or arrogant. 

Kindness and consideration are great things but sometimes I think we take it too far. And to be honest, in my case, it's often more cowardice and embarrassment. 

My husband was on the receiving end of that kind of behavior once before he and I became romantically involved (we were "just" friends before that for a while) and he says he really would have preferred a prompt, direct rejection and he would have considered that actually more kind and considerate than what he got. 

[Pseudonym]

I think it's partly concern about not wanting the situation to turn nasty. There is no way to give a blunt and honest response without hurting someone, and then I get worried they might get nasty about it. I definitely agree it's kinder in the long run though, I'd be crushed if I really liked someone and they did that to me.

I think men are generally a bit more straight forward than women, when someone's interest goes on too long I end up using the most standoffish possible body language and conversation and still not had someone get the hint. On that occasion it was tricky because he hadn't actually asked me out, it was all under the guise of 'being friends.' I'm not stupid, I know he didn't want to just be friends, but without him actually asking something there was nothing to say no to. I think that's really sneaky. I can't say 'look, I'm not interested' when he hasn't come out and said that he is. That would come off as the height of arrogance, and he'd probably just say he wasn't interested in that way either. I was briefly dating someone else whilst he was in a phase of literally following me around the building, and one day he asked if that's why I was being standoffish, in which case there was no need because he 'wasn't interested like that.' Oh really. Follow all women around the building and message them incessantly without getting an answer do you? Plus he'd been asking around when we first met to see if I was single.

In the end, after it had progressed to my ignoring him for entire conversations, aside from grunts, he wanted to know if he had offended me. I said 'no, we just don't have anything in common.' And he was aghast, 'how can you possibly say that?!' After that awkward conversation, which went on for a while, he did eventually leave me alone. Hoorah!

If he had just asked in the beginning, I would have been able to turn him down (somehow!!!) and he wouldn't have wasted his time following me around. 

I'm off to try a new walking group today, since I had to cancel my original planned walk thanks to that guy asking me for coffee. Wish me luck. 

 

[T.o.b.y]

Good luck! 

That things might turn nasty is a very valid concern. Some men do not handle rejection well. And yup, it's super awkward to turn someone down who hadn't expressed his interest directly. 

Isn't it tiresome how people dance around each other? He won't admit to being interested in romance to save face when she says no which she can't because she was never really asked and she's afraid of appearing conceited and delusional. 

I think this is why I enjoy ridiculously blunt characters in fiction, I find them very refreshing. 

I made a friend (female) while I was at uni and she was great at being direct and open. If she didn't want to meet up, she would just say so, without so much as a "sorry". If we were going swimming together and I arrived late to the pool, instead of hanging around the lobby and getting annoyed waiting, she would just go on inside and start doing laps by herself. When I joined her, I would just get a pat on the shoulder and a gurgle and that was that. 

I never understood why she didn't have a good love life. Maybe the guys were afraid of her. 

[Carol the Dabbler]

4 hours ago, Pseudonym said:

I think men are generally a bit more straight forward than women, when someone's interest goes on too long I end up using the most standoffish possible body language and conversation and still not had someone get the hint.

In my experience, a woman's idea of blatant body language corresponds to a man's idea of a subliminal hint.

Good luck with your new group!

[Hikari]

11 hours ago, Pseudonym said:

There is no way to give a blunt and honest response without hurting someone, and then I get worried they might get nasty about it. I definitely agree it's kinder in the long run though, I'd be crushed if I really liked someone and they did that to me.

It's hard to be both honest and kind, if we are telling our audience some honest thing which they do not want to hear.  'Blunt' can be different things to different hearers, too.  It's a nuance thing.  'Straightforward' seems good; 'blunt' feels harsh by definition . . though if someone is stalking you through your place of work or via text, bluntness is definitely called for.  If that doesn't work, then a blunt statement to the effect that you'll have to go to HR if it doesn't cease.  Or the cops.

If all romantic aspirants (of either gender) were emotionally healthy and able to cope with 'No', either bluntly stated or more circuitously, that would leave out most of the psychological thriller fiction I do so enjoy reading and/or watching.  Thank goodness nothing of the sort has ever happened to me.  I read the books I do to experience it vicariously, I guess.

[Van Buren Supernova]

Late to weigh in, hopefully it's still useful.

I'm more inclined to honesty, because like many of you said, it is kinder in long run. It is also based on experience where I basically had to give up my classes, changed my route and became paranoid for quite a while after a guy thought he still had hope. The problem was, he never asked yes or no, he just 'declared' that he wanted to be there for me, and there he was, everywhere, despite us studying in different towns and I had never, ever, given him the indication that I wanted to, or interested and it also came out of nowhere since we were just a regular friends back then, platonic (or so I thought!), until a reunion and suddenly he became stalkerish. I didn't have a chance to say no, but kept rejecting his offer to take me home with various excuses, that should be very very clear, or so I thought! I was a very poor student who had to take 5 long buses through dangerous streets 3-5 hours journey to get home, while he came from rich family with all the convenience of comfortable car. So, maybe, in his mind, my excuses were really something I couldn't help. It got so bad that he was using my excuses to get to me, as in appearing in my class to intercept my journey so that he could take me home. Not feeling well could also result in him giving scary attention like making you something to make you feel better. How romantic.

But romance is only applicable when it's done subtly or with someone you are into, otherwise, it's utter and complete nightmare and could make things very uncomfortable and yes, we end up like a biatch. 

A guy friend also told me that he would appreciate if I could tell him honestly, because it hurts anyway especially those who are smart enough to know that it's only excuses. It even destroyed friendship because eventually I tip-toed around him and he was hurt. Luckily we are able to laugh and joke about it but these kind of endings are quite rare.

Sadly, for some guys, merely glancing to his general direction could mean we have interest with them. And rejecting them means giving them excuse to do nasty things because we are being arrogant.

Sigh.

 

Anyway, Homer Simpson gave these advices to Lisa, when she asked him how to reject a boy. He asked Lisa to say:

I am married to the sea. (which I fully endorse!! XD)

I don't wanna kill you but I will.

 

P.S Unsolicited extra advice: wedding ban is a very good sign you can wear. It works like magic.  

[Pseudonym]

Eurgh, nightmare. I don’t know how, in anyone’s mind, following someone around is romantic rather than just plain creepy.

Ha, people on my other forum told me to start wearing a wedding ring.  

[Pseudonym]

I think I have food poisoning. That's enough to put anyone off. 

[T.o.b.y]

How are you now, Pseud? Better? 

I guess it's official: I have terrible fashion sense. Not only do I like Molly's clothes. I was just watching a scene from a recent episode of The Big Bang Theory where Amy finds her wedding dress. The humor revolves around the idea that the dress she chooses is hideous, but I thought it was actually the nicest one they showed her try on. The skirt is a bit too much but the top is lovely imo. 

It's probably a good thing that I don't wear my own things at work... 

[Pseudonym]

I am thanks, after shrivelling away for a few days.

Hm, not watched The Big Bang Theory so can't comment on the dress... 

[Pseudonym]

I've been organising my sock drawer, Sherlock would be proud. It was a right mess. In my defence Sherlock doesn't have to deal with tights tangling everything into a big strangled clump. Unless of course he has tights for, ahem, disguise purposes, in which can I imagine they'd be kept elsewhere anyway. 

[Carol the Dabbler]

... and of course neatly folded. (I'm willing to bet that he could neatly fold a fitted sheet if he took a mind to.)

[Van Buren Supernova]

Eyes widened, swirling around widely, corn-sized sweats are forming in the forehead, irregular heartbeat and tons of life regret are crushing down, shaking hand trying to form a distress sentence in a forum..

I'm currently hiding in my parent's toilet and questioning my existence. An innocent additional weekend at home on top of business trip bite me in the a**. It's only been couple of hours since morning and we already have two unannounced visits from relatives. It's been years or decades since they last saw me, so far they are way too interested and had been expressing their interest to visit my habitat....

 

 

 

 

[Carol the Dabbler]

Take a deep breath, dear.  Try to remember that they mean well.  And  (I don't need to tell you this) keep your interactions brief.

It seems to me that your biggest problem is their interest in visiting your home.  It's probably best not to be *too* honest (as in "I hate having company"), but you do travel a lot, right?  So you could more-or-less honestly say something like "I'm hardly ever home, so having company really doesn't work for me."  Don't elaborate, and don't answer specific questions on that subject. Just use the "broken record" method and keep repeating that you're hardly ever home and so forth.

Good luck!

[Pseudonym]

VBS right now:

I have zero oomph today, just can't get up the energy to move or do anything. So much to do, so little motivation to do it. On the plus side the bags of dirt out my front garden that I've been meaning to take to the dump for weeks have been taken away - someone wanted them to 'level her field.' Have at it!

 

[Pseudonym]

Me too, Andrew, me too. Utterly exhausted. And it feels so much later in the week than it is. On the plus side this weekend is the May day bank holiday.