Introverts, how is your day?

[Fantasy Lover]

Sure! Just give them back when you're finished :-P

 

Seriously, sorry to hear you're feeling lonely too (at least that's what I take your comment to mean).

 

I used to get terribly lonely when I was younger. I remember reading "Villette" by Charlotte Bronte and hardly being able to finish the book because the main character's incredible tangible loneliness hit too close to home.

It's exactly what you think it means. I'm an only child, you could think that I'm used to feeling lonely, which I am! But not for long periods, this is the second time I'm home for multiple days with no one to talk to but my mom :(.

[Shadow Dweller]

Or you could try text-based role-playing, Boton. There's a community in dreamwidth for that.

[Artemis]

I think I've been too isolated for too long.  I stopped by my sister-in-law's birthday party last weekend and felt so dissociated from everyone, like they were all human and I was not.  I don't feel a part of the world.  It's not a new feeling, but I think it is getting stronger, or worse.

 

 

[Pseudonym]

We talked about this sort of thing a smidge in the TJLC thread. I was forced to a club on New Years Eve, and I felt completely separate from everyone like I was watching a nature documentary as they all strutted about and posed trying to find a mate for the evening. Eurgh. I dragged myself out for a meal last week with some folks I didn't know, I didn't want to go but forced myself to be sociable, and that was pretty awkward too, though I got chatting to a couple of guys who turned out to be really nice. 

Do you still feel dissociated from everyone if you get into a conversation? I don't mean awkward small talk but an actually interesting conversation (as rare as they can be to come by)?

[Artemis]

We talked about this sort of thing a smidge in the TJLC thread. I was forced to a club on New Years Eve, and I felt completely separate from everyone like I was watching a nature documentary as they all strutted about and posed trying to find a mate for the evening. Eurgh. I dragged myself out for a meal last week with some folks I didn't know, I didn't want to go but forced myself to be sociable, and that was pretty awkward too, though I got chatting to a couple of guys who turned out to be really nice. 

Do you still feel dissociated from everyone if you get into a conversation? I don't mean awkward small talk but an actually interesting conversation (as rare as they can be to come by)?

 

That's a good analogy.

 

I don't know, it never reaches the point of becoming an interesting conversation.  :/

 

 

[Pseudonym]

Yea, I know that feeling. Pretending to be interested and engaged but feeling both awkward and bored beyond belief. 

[Arcadia]

Artemis, this is terribly intrusive of me, but I experienced something like that once and it was part of a serious anxiety/depression period I was going through. I hope you're not offended by this, but if it recurs, I encourage you to talk to a doctor about it. Even a GP can help.
 
Okay, butting out now.
 
In the meantime, I'm trying to think how I dealt with isolation ... and I think the answer for me was, I had a passion (art) and I joined a group that shared that passion and became very involved in their volunteer projects, and eventually made friends that way. But that's not the best way for everyone, because it's rather time-consuming to be a volunteer. But having shared interests can help break the ice, I think. Otherwise I'm too shy to engage. Or too bored ... too many times, I'm caught listening to women talking about their kids (booooorinnnngg!) or men talk about sports (a little less boring, but still ... geez.) It took awhile, but I've finally found a circle that likes to discuss the same things I do ... ideas, nature, politics, animals, the arts, including the popular arts (but not, alas, Sherlock. They all roll their eyes when I mention Sherlock. :D That's okay, I like tormenting them.)

 

And not one of them can pronounce Benedict Cumberbatch without stumbling. What's wrong with people? :p

[Pseudonym]

Reminds me of a conversation I had last year:

 

Me: *super casually* "Have you ever watched Sherlock?"

My friend: "Is that the one with Lucy Liu?"

Me: "No, the other one. The British one."

Friend: "Oh the one with uh, Ben, uh, Bendy, Bendyick Cum, uh, Cumbybutch?"

Me: *trying to hide my horrified recoil*

[T.o.b.y]

I think for shy and / or socially awkward people or just those of us who feel bored out of our minds doing smalltalk, it's best to seek out gatherings with a more specific purpose, like classes or game nights rather than parties for example.

 

We have shelves full of board and card games in our house for a reason. I don't particularly like playing most of them but in situations like "sister in law brings her new boyfriend to meet us", I love being able to steer things away from "everybody sits awkwardly around the coffee table" as fast as I can.

 

The problem with scheduled activities and especially classes is of course that they require time and money. For anyone working shifts and on a tight budget and / or living in the middle of nowhere, that kind of thing just isn't accessible.

 

I had the easiest time meeting people at university. Before I knew it, I had two jobs and was volunteering for three student organizations. Add my regular classes to that and I was very glad to have a moment's peace wherever possible.

 

I only formed one real friendship while I was there though. Which was quite enough.

 

I think I am very lucky in having formed some very important relationships very early in life and I am just sort of hanging on to them. My best friend and I met in elementary school. I really don't have the time or the emotional capacity for many new people in my life.

[Boton]

That's part of my problem, in any case.  I had a bunch of regular classes, so I had sort of superficial friendships with lots of people.  Then, for a variety of reasons, many of the classes disappeared, and I am back to trying to find like-minded people to hang out with without it being totally anonymous or totally intense.

 

My desire to go to a crowded salsa club is not random.  That used to be one of my activities.  I knew most of the salsa community in town, and every week we'd get together in the bar of a Latin restaurant with a salsa DJ, and you'd mostly dance with your own partner (Mr. Boton for me) while you chatted with all your salsa friends.  The dancing had to shut down because the restaurant started fearing for legal liability, but I really miss it.

 

[Pseudonym]

I love to try swing dancing and get involved with the community, but it doesn't really work without a partner. I'd probably be paired with some little old lady, which is fine but not quite the fun energetic activity I would be aiming for. 

[Artemis]

Artemis, this is terribly intrusive of me, but I experienced something like that once and it was part of a serious anxiety/depression period I was going through. I hope you're not offended by this, but if it recurs, I encourage you to talk to a doctor about it. Even a GP can help.

 

No worries, I'm not offended.  I have indeed been living with depression for many years now.  I've explored it extensively and at this point I've pretty much done everything I can do about it (or know to do about it).  It's just a matter of living with it now.  Some aspects of it are situational, and those won't see much improvement until my situation improves.

 

I'm not sure if this dissociative experience is due to the depression or not.  (I suspect not, because they don't seem to correlate in strength or timing.)  It's just this feeling like I don't know how to talk to people anymore.  It's like having a one-way mirror between me and them.

 

One of the worst things about my depression is the anhedonia.  Makes it very hard to identify passions or interests; I barely enjoy anything that I do.  (It's difficult to explore new things on a tight budget as well.)  I do know of a couple things I'm passionate about, or used to be.  But they're not the sort of interests one sees a lot of groups for.

 

I really wish I had been able to establish friendships in school.  I was really excited about university because when I was a kid, some adults would try to cheer me up about not having any friends by telling me that I'd make all my life-long friends in college.  I didn't even make 1 college friend, much less a life-long one.  It was one of the loneliest periods of my life.  Probably made worse by having my hopes so high going in.  Most of the people I know have friends from elementary or high school.  I guess I feel a bit like a lost cause in that respect.

[Pseudonym]

I hated uni and I was pretty lonely there too. I'm not in contact with anyone from college or uni, I made friends there, including the best friend I ever had, but over the years we've lost touch. I'm still a bit upset about losing my best friend, but when it comes to the point when it seems like you're the only one making an effort that you have to put your hands up and just give in. I thought we would be friends forever, but apparently not. I could get back in touch with Facebook, but I hate Facebook and don't have a real profile (just a fake one I use when it's essential to have a profile to sign up to something), and honestly if someone needs me to be on Facebook in order to bother keeping in touch they're not much of a real friend. 

There are two people I'm in contact with from my school days, though these days one of them just seems to mainly send me photos of her baby even though she knows I have zero interest in kids (apparently hers is so adorable it'll change my mind  ). The other I saw last year for the first time in about ten years. I have two friends I do things with occasionally though, in all honesty, if I had more options I wouldn't be spending time with them, we don't really mesh that well. One of them I had decided to accidentally deliberately drift away from but then she told me some stuff that she was going through and now I can't without seeming like a complete arsehole. I don't see or meet anyone in work.    

Sorry, didn't mean to go on about myself there, my point was I'm not exactly overburdened with friends either, and certainly not from school or uni. I joined all the groups I did because I always get horribly down around Christmas when everyone else is going to loads of Christmas parties and I don't get to go anywhere. It's not about Christmas per se, it's about feeling unwanted. My plan is to keep dragging myself to these awkward meeting so by then I'll actually know people well enough to have a good time and be comfortable. 

A lot of the things I would like to do need company. I would like to do shorter hikes in the evenings, but I'm too wary to go out to quiet places alone. I'd like to go dancing, but you need a partner. I'd like to just go to a quiet pub or coffee shop and chat, but I get too bored by the people I'm currently friends with. I'd like to try out some more watersports, but not on my own. *sigh*

[T.o.b.y]

Do all dancing classes require you to bring a partner? I am asking because that's not the case here, my husband has volunteered at several dancing schools that offer to find partners for people who join alone and they're usually short on guys.

[Pseudonym]

Seems pointless learning to dance if you then have no one to *go* dancing with. 

[Artemis]

A lot of the things I would like to do need company.

 

Same here.  Walking alone, especially in the evening, is something I've all but completely stopped doing because I've had too many brushes with danger.

 

It's not about Christmas per se, it's about feeling unwanted.

 

Exactly.  I feel the same way around Halloween.  Lots of costume parties and bonfire parties and people having fun with their friends.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to go on about myself there,

 

I enjoy it when other people go on about themselves (as long as they're also good listeners), lol.  Then I'm not the only one, and I get to know you.  ^^

 

 

[Pseudonym]

Yea halloween too. Ah, if only we lived closer to each other, lol. 

[Artemis]

I know.  :(  If we lived closer though, you would almost certainly have to watch "The Court Jester".  :P

 

 

[Boton]

Do all dancing classes require you to bring a partner? I am asking because that's not the case here, my husband has volunteered at several dancing schools that offer to find partners for people who join alone and they're usually short on guys.

 

That's not the case here (US).  Usually, classes ask you to rotate, so even if there is a lead/follow imbalance, you typically only sit out once or twice per round.  Some social dances have a norm of dancing with different partners, and some tend toward sticking with your same partner.  I prefer to stay with Mr. Boton, since it is so much more fun to dance with the one you love.

[Pseudonym]

I know.  :(  If we lived closer though, you would almost certainly have to watch "The Court Jester", lol.

 

NOOOOooooooo......!!!!

 

 

 

[Artemis]

:D

 

 

[Arcadia]

I'll hold her down while you put in the DVD, Artemis. :D

 

If it's any encouragement to you young 'uns, I didn't make friends in college either, and pretty much went through my 30's and 40's without real friends. With a couple of exceptions, all the friends I have now I've made in the last 15 or so years. So it does happen. I didn't go looking for them either, we just sort of washed up on the same shore.

[Pseudonym]

[Pseudonym]

Up late last night, in work horribly early this morning. It was still dark when I got here. :(

 

My brother just got this email from a customer - is this incredibly British or typical of all old folk?  :lol:

 

'My anticipation abounds dear boy, eager to continue.'

 

[T.o.b.y]

:-D It sounds ironic to me. People don't actually talk like that, do they?