Shoot the Wall (A.K.A. The Rant Thread)

[T.o.b.y]

Wait a sec, Carol, this man told you to move near him so that he would have an easier time making up his mind whether he wanted to date you or somebody else? WTF?

 

I sure agree that you would have been better off alone than with a guy like that.

 

Artemis, I have nothing to add except my sympathy. Hang in there.

[Artemis]

Your story, the way you tell it and the way you look at it, is the same stories that I've read/heard countless times before, stories that are told by domestic violence victims.

Yeah, I understand that.  I do know that he is emotionally manipulating me, I just feel such a... I donno... I guess like I said before, I feel so indebted to him for everything he did do for me, that I feel like I owe it to him to stick with him.  I'm having trouble getting beyond that.

 

It's the devil you know vs you don't situation.

It's not really that though, the way I see it.  Isolation is just another demon I know well, so it's more like the devil I know vs. the devil I know, lol.  Three years isn't really that long in the span of my life; I've been mostly alone for the rest of it, so solitude is something I'm very familiar with.  Being in a relationship was the unfamiliar thing, it was a huge adjustment actually in the initial stages.  I know exactly what being alone again will look like, and that's why it sucks so much to go back there.

 

It doesn't have to be romantic, right?

Right.  I'm not really the kind of person who needs to be in a romantic relationship.  It's something I want, but not something I can't do without.  What I have really wanted, and sought all my life, is friendship and camaraderie.  It's been very important to me to have good friends, but thus far it's eluded me.  I've tried my best but people either don't like me, or just don't care to befriend me; so I've kind of given up on that at this point.  Not that I'm not still open to it, I'm just not hopeful anymore and I'm not putting the kind of energy into it that I used to.  There was only so long I could continue being hurt and disappointed, I got burned out, and that's kind of where I'm at now.  I actually do volunteer at several places already.  I've been volunteering steadily since I was 11 years old.  It just doesn't make much difference where companionship is concerned.  *Shrug*.  I do have depression accompanied by anhedonia, which makes it difficult to enjoy much of anything anymore; so I don't or can't really do it for the enjoyment.  I just want to help other people.

 

And don't think that you have a better 'deal' because you suffered from worse relationships before.

Not relationships.  Just cruel and evil men.

 

This is actually my first relationship.  I was in love once before when I was pretty young, 19 or 20; but it wasn't a relationship.  I thought he was in love with me too at the time, he asked me to marry him.  I thought it was too soon to marry and told him that I wanted to in the future, but that I wanted to wait until I graduated from college.  He never asked me to be his girlfriend, and I doubt his proposal was even serious.  If he ever had any real feelings for me they were very short-lived.  One day he just disappeared on me, no warning or explanation.  I did everything I could to contact him, to no avail.  I was ignored.  A month or two later, I found out via a new post in his online journal that he was pursuing a relationship with someone else.  I was basically just dropped without any closure, and never heard from him again.  When I love, I love deeply, so it was a huge blow and I was stuck on him for a long time after.  That's the short, "light" version.

 

He's not who I was talking about when I said "horrors", though.

 

I know your follow up stories are meant to let us know that maybe the situation is not that bad.

Actually that wasn't my intent at all, I was just trying to describe the kind of thoughts that go through my head when I consider ending things with him.

 

If, if you keep thinking of the old life you have, the reality is, you don't have it NOW. If he tries to convince you that you do, he has to show it NOW. Make changes, try harder, solve problems, quit blaming others, stop lying, make efforts, admit mistakes. It needs two hands to clap.

Otherwise maybe, just maybe, he shouldn't be with you now, he could try again in the future when he mends his way, but for now, it is not.

I agree.

 

 

[Artemis]

Are there any groups you can join to help give you a support system? I know that's easier said than done, but perhaps it could help you.

Not really. I mean, I join groups now and then, but so far the endeavor has yielded no results. In some cases it's even been a detriment.

 

I think what it all boils down to is this - do you think you could ever go back to being happy with him the way you once were? Could you trust him again? Could you feel safe with him?

I don't know... but I don't think so. Yet I feel obligated to try. =/ It's hard not to. I never really expected things to be like they were before. They can't possibly be, because these lies have revealed that he's not the person I believed I was marrying. At most I thought that maybe we could find a new, different kind of happy. Sort of start over, in a sense, and rebuild. I donno though, that probably sounds naive, and it's probably not even possible. I'm not sure there is any going back to the same level of trust and safety I once had in him. Even if I could regain some of that, even if he changed, there'd always be that nagging thought in the back of my mind... the one that says, "He kept up these lies for 3 years, he could do it again for another 3." Even in the best-case scenario, I'd still be wondering if 5 or 8 or 10 years down the line, this behavior would pop up again. What if I were married to him then, or even had some kids? *Sigh*...

 

And then I think, the same thing could happen with any guy I ended up with. I could marry someone else and then see his behavior change 5 or 8 or 10 years down the road too. It's a scary thought. *More Sigh*...

[Artemis]

Whatever you do, don't marry the guy thinking it'll make things better.

 

Oh no worries there, marriage is so far from my mind right now.  There's no way I would marry him as things currently stand.  If he gets anything from me right now it would only be a second chance to take accountability and handle this whole thing properly as he should have done in the first place.  As I said to Pseud though, I'm not even sure I can give him that chance.  I'm too afraid that history would one day repeat itself.

 

I appreciate your story.  I'm sorry you went through that.  :(  I'm glad it all worked out for the best though, eventually.

 

 

[Artemis]

Thank you everyone for your input, honesty, and well-wishes.  It really has helped.

 

 

[Fantasy Lover]

Yeah, I understand that. I do know that he is emotionally manipulating me, I just feel such a... I donno... I guess like I said before, I feel so indebted to him for everything he did do for me, that I feel like I owe it to him to stick with him. I'm having trouble getting beyond that.

you don't owe him anything.

 

I'm not really the kind of person who needs to be in a romantic relationship. It's something I want, but not something I can't do without. What I have really wanted, and sought all my life, is friendship and camaraderie. It's been very important to me to have good friends, but thus far it's eluded me. I've tried my best but people either don't like me, or just don't care to befriend me; so I've kind of given up on that at this point. Not that I'm not still open to it, I'm just not hopeful anymore and I'm not putting the kind of energy into it that I used to. There was only so long I could continue being hurt and disappointed, I got burned out, and that's kind of where I'm at now.

I'm sorry to hear that :(.

 

I don't know... but I don't think so. Yet I feel obligated to try. It's hard not to. I never really expected things to be like they were before. They can't possibly be, because these lies have revealed that he's not the person I believed I was marrying. At most I thought that maybe we could find a new, different kind of happy. Sort of start over, in a sense, and rebuild. I donno though, that probably sounds naive, and it's probably not even possible.

you sound like me when I found out my dad had a personality shift, for 8 years I have tried cope, until he had another personality shift and I couldn't handle it anymore and severed ties with him.

[J.P.]

 

And don't think that you have a better 'deal' because you suffered from worse relationships before.

This almost looks like a pattern, as if you were attracted to abusive men. I know you cannot control this - I keep falling for men I cannot have all my life. But maybe ask yourself why it happens.

 

I don't think he would change - he is still blaming you! That's a stuff abuse is made of.

It is possible to live alone. Be your own best friend and leave.

[Van Buren Supernova]

Sorry I didn't make myself clearer, what I meant with the devil you don't know is being alone again, after you have experienced having someone. It's quite different with being alone prior to knowing him, perhaps that is one of the reason you reluctant to cut the ties, especially you said you only have each other.

 

Friendship and relationship are tricky things, sometimes when you expect it, it doesn't happen, and vice versa. I think you are already on the right path of not being too hopeful but let it happens naturally. Good friends are not easy to come by at all, and people come and go, it hardly last forever and people do change. I wish I have what they call.. BFF.. but what is it actually. What I can say is probably I have couple of good friends, some of them is 'best' during their period. Like it or not, they are not always there. You can't always count on them. Sometimes I think 'good friends' are just those you like better. 

 

So I'm saying, maybe you should stop under appreciate yourself. It seems like you are always hard on yourself, and you hardly meet your own expectation. Don't sell yourself short.

One thing I can tell you, you are better at communicating than me. At the very least you have the courage to open up and share your stories. I can never do that, eventhough I have people I trust who are willing to listen. I share with them, but there are still many things that I keep to myself. And when I go through hard times, those are the times I stay silent. I would endure it alone and no one ever knows, because I can't express or talk it out. I always look alright on the outside. I don't think it's wrong though, maybe talk it out could make one feel better, I believe that, but it's just a barrier I'm unable to break. There were probably many things I could fix and many feelings I didn't need to hurt if only I could talk it out. But nevermind.

 

So you trying to communicate and share, you are much better than you give yourself credit for. Outsider's view but don't doubt that.

Hope that makes you feel better.

 

 

[Artemis]

you sound like me when I found out my dad had a personality shift, for 8 years I have tried cope, until he had another personality shift and I couldn't handle it anymore and severed ties with him.

What kind of a personality shift was it?

 

This almost looks like a pattern, as if you were attracted to abusive men. I know you cannot control this - I keep falling for men I cannot have all my life. But maybe ask yourself why it happens.

I wouldn't say so.  =/  Again, this is my first relationship.  I've only been romantically attracted to two men in my life, so I'd hardly call it a pattern yet, just bad luck.  If you flipped it around and said that abusive men are attracted to me though, that would be accurate.  But I nearly always see them for what they are immediately.

 

What I'm attracted to is compassion, intelligence, and integrity: A rare combination, in my experience (hence the rarity of my attraction).  When I met my boyfriend, he seemed to have these qualities in spades.  It was an act of compassion that first caught my eye: He helped and stood up for someone who was being torn down by everyone else.  We became friends and I saw more and more of those good qualities over time, in his actions and his views, in big and little ways.  He has passions which include helping animals, homeless, and victims of domestic abuse (ironic, you say?).  He had his issues, but I never once saw any signs of him being even the slightest abusive in any way, and I was careful to watch for it.  This really came out of left field for me.  Once I learned about the lies he'd told me, my attraction towards him died.  I thought at first that maybe it was something I should just try to work through.  But along with my trust, I'm not sure it's something I can ever get back now.

 

 

[Artemis]

Sorry I didn't make myself clearer, what I meant with the devil you don't know is being alone again, after you have experienced having someone. It's quite different with being alone prior to knowing him, perhaps that is one of the reason you reluctant to cut the ties, especially you said you only have each other.

You were clear.  =]  I was just saying that I do know, or at least have a pretty good idea, what it will be like to be alone again after him, so it's more like being afraid of the known rather than the unknown.  I was going to explain this before, but I thought it'd be too complicated... actually I'll just quote myself, if that's okay.  I'm feeling lazy, lol.

 

I had one best friend, ...  We clicked immediately and it was a very deep, close friendship.  She was family to me, and I would have died for her in a second.  I would have done almost anything for her.  So I feel I understand the bond of friendship between Sherlock and John very well.

...

...  Until she came along, I thought I was okay; I was simply accustomed to "alone".  I never fully realized just how lonely I'd been.  Sadly, I only had the gift of her companionship for 3 years.  I've had to live the last 12 without her, and I'm responsible, and I've had to bear the guilt of that... but that's no longer a story I tell.  Sometimes I get sad watching the show because it makes me miss her.  Her loss was devastating to me, and set me back quite far in life.  I've never been the same, and I'm even now still figuring out how to make my way through life without her.  Now that I'm aware of what I was missing, I can't go back to what I was before.

I've been through a lot, but losing her was the most painful and life-altering of it all, and being alone again after her is the most difficult thing I've ever had to overcome.  I don't really know how to explain how profoundly it affected me.

 

I don't expect that being alone again after my boyfriend is going to be as bad as that was.  Part of that is probably the surrounding circumstances, and because the separation is happening slowly rather than suddenly.  But I am indeed loath to go back to that loneliness again.  I will, if I have to.  But it feels like walking back towards the darkness instead of out into the light.  (Like I said though, I'm more worried about his loneliness than mine.)

 

What happened with my friend is influencing how I'm dealing with my boyfriend now in more ways than one, I think.  The guilt I was left with after losing her was paralyzing, and it makes me want to be extra sure that I won't be left with any residual guilt from future situations.  That's why this sense of duty I have towards him has such a strong hold on me.  I have to be sure I'm doing the right thing and making the best decision.

 

It seems like you are always hard on yourself, and you hardly meet your own expectation.

You're right.  I expect a lot from myself and I do tend to be pretty hard on myself.

 

I share with them, but there are still many things that I keep to myself. And when I go through hard times, those are the times I stay silent. I would endure it alone and no one ever knows, because I can't express or talk it out. I always look alright on the outside. I don't think it's wrong though, maybe talk it out could make one feel better, I believe that, but it's just a barrier I'm unable to break.

I'm actually the same way, IRL.  It's easier to write anonymously to strangers, lol.  It's an entirely different matter expressing myself face-to-face to people I know.  There's a barrier, like you say.  I tried to explain what it's like to my boyfriend, but the best analogies I could come up with were writer's block, or trying to describe the color green to someone who's been blind from birth.  =/  I tend to "suffer in silence", so to speak, and I had to work really hard on expressing myself to my boyfriend.  Even expressing myself online like this, although easier, is still not easy.  When I do it it's usually because I think it will ultimately be healthier for me to let some out rather than hold it all in, but I still have to more or less force myself.  When I was younger I went through a series of traumatic events within a short period of time, but I held it all in (in part because I had no choice), and over a few years it ended up severely impacting both my mental and physical health.  It was literally killing me.  So I learned a lesson from that.  I think it's perfectly alright to keep things to yourself, as long as it's not a detriment to you.

 

But thank you for thinking I communicate well.  =]  That's nice to hear.

 

 

[Artemis]

I should probably clarify how things currently stand with my boyfriend.  We're not living together.  We were for a few months last year, so I could care for him after his accident.  But he's been in his own place since September.  He drops by the house to leave me gifts, but I haven't seen him since he "broke up" with me in February.  Although he's been trying to act like it didn't happen, I'm not, and I haven't taken him back.  He's been asking to see me, but I've refused.  I haven't taken any of his calls, nor responded to any of his emails, except one.  Our communication since the break-up has been almost solely through text.  He sends me lots of texts.

So we're in this kind of limbo where we're not together, but we're not completely apart either.  My question/conflict has been whether to allow him more: More time to change his behavior and repair things with me.

After my road trip last week, and talking things through a bit here, I think I'm reaching a decision about that.  The question now is how to go about it...

 

 

[Fantasy Lover]

What kind of a personality shift was it?

let me tell you how my dad used to be: he was cheerful, always making jokes. After that he became quiet, withdrawn and having an conversation with him was annoying because he just said "uhu." And after that he became REALLY talkative, kept calling me and calling me on my work, he doesn't do it anymore thankfully.

[Van Buren Supernova]

I should probably clarify how things currently stand with my boyfriend. We're not living together. We were for a few months last year, so I could care for him after his accident. But he's been in his own place since September. He drops by the house to leave me gifts, but I haven't seen him since he "broke up" with me in February. Although he's been trying to act like it didn't happen, I'm not, and I haven't taken him back. He's been asking to see me, but I've refused. I haven't taken any of his calls, nor responded to any of his emails, except one. Our communication since the break-up has been almost solely through text. He sends me lots of texts.

 

So we're in this kind of limbo where we're not together, but we're not completely apart either. My question/conflict has been whether to allow him more: More time to change his behavior and repair things with me.

 

After my road trip last week, and talking things through a bit here, I think I'm reaching a decision about that. The question now is how to go about it...

I'm a bit more relieved to be honest, I thought you were staying with him or he still has access to you anytime he wants.

At least you have taken some distance etc and I think it's normal that you are considering every options you could take. It's quite necessary to ensure that you'll be content with your decision because you have think through everything.

Be as objective as you can with long term vision.

 

And sorry you have to go through all these, we are here armchairing it from distance, most probably we don't know exactly how difficult it is. So I wish you'd choose the best decision whatever it is and be nicer to yourself.

 

One more thing, you said you bounced the idea between you and your dogs. I'd suggest you kidnap couple of willing cats as well from your neighborhood for couple of hours too. I love dogs a lot, but they are the best species with kindness we hardly deserve, you know, they think with their heart. Get couple of kitties who look like they are plotting the demise of humanity and take over the world, they probably could provide some balance in your regular brainstorming session. :D

[Artemis]

One more thing, you said you bounced the idea between you and your dogs. I'd suggest you kidnap couple of willing cats as well from your neighborhood for couple of hours too. I love dogs a lot, but they are the best species with kindness we hardly deserve, you know, they think with their heart. Get couple of kitties who look like they are plotting the demise of humanity and take over the world, they probably could provide some balance in your regular brainstorming session. :D

 

 

Ha, I wish!  I'd have cats too if my circumstances allowed for any more pets.  I try to talk to the cats that wander through the yard, but they're too busy plotting to be interested in conversation, lol.

 

 

[Artemis]

I'm not great at expressing emotions or understanding others reactions either, so I understand that. I also understand the fear of being isolated, at the moment I am fortunate that I have my parents, but there are things I can't talk to them about and when they are gone I will be very much alone. I have extended family but I am not close enough to them to matter. Are there any groups you can join to help give you a support system? I know that's easier said than done, but perhaps it could help you.

 

The fact that you are not emotionally expressive is something he should work to understand, the same way you are working to understand him. It's the way you are wired and you shouldn't feel (or be made to feel) ashamed about that. He knew you were like that when you were together, and he shouldn't expect that to change now. As for wondering if that is just how relationships are meant to be - anything that makes you feel unhappy or unsafe isn't right. Arguments are natural, but being made to feel so unhappy for such a long time - it's not healthy and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

 

To me it sounds like now you have seen this side of him there is no going back, especially when he is still lying/omitting information. The natural thing to do was expect him to apologise and explain, and his reacting the way he did and blaming it on you is just not reasonable. Putting pressure on you, when he is the one who has done wrong, it's not fair. You shouldn't be pressured to commit. And no, you shouldn't just 'get over it,' I wouldn't be able to get over lies like that and I doubt many women could. He says you are overreacting and expecting perfection - everything you've said sounds perfectly reasonable to me, you've given this decision time that a lot of people wouldn't. Being treated badly in the past doesn't mean you should put up with a milder form of it now, you deserve to be loved and respected, and the way he is treating you is not right. Feeling like you are taking an emotional beating when he verbally attacks you is so wrong it makes me feel sick for you.

 

Of course you are conflicted what to do, and worried about what might happen to him if you do decide to end things. You've been through a lot together and meant a lot to each other, but there comes a point where there is no going back.

 

I think what it all boils down to is this - do you think you could ever go back to being happy with him the way you once were? Could you trust him again? Could you feel safe with him?

 

I'm not sure how much help we can be on here, but please feel free to keep talking and venting if you need to.

I just wanted to add: It's reassuring to know that my feelings about his lying and belligerence aren't entirely abnormal, and that other people see it the way I do. Something he's repeated to me several times is that I've been cruel in the way I've handled this, and that the calm and loving way in which I first approached him about his lies "haunts him". I'm not sure how he expected me to handle it. Should I have screamed and thrown things? Is that how people show they care? I guess if it were his opinion only, it'd be easier to dismiss. But I've been criticized all my life for having a composed reaction to emotional situations, so it's harder not to feel like I'm doing something wrong and being "not normal" again.

[Fantasy Lover]

If there's anything I hate it's those two words, who decided what is and isn't normal? And who decided it's totally okay to criticise someone who isn't behaving normal? It makes me so mad.

[Carol the Dabbler]

It's reassuring to know that my feelings about his lying and belligerence aren't entirely abnormal, and that other people see it the way I do. Something he's repeated to me several times is that I've been cruel in the way I've handled this, and that the calm and loving way in which I first approached him about his lies "haunts him". I'm not sure how he expected me to handle it. Should I have screamed and thrown things? Is that how people show they care? I guess if it were his opinion only, it'd be easier to dismiss. But I've been criticized all my life for having a composed reaction to emotional situations, so it's harder not to feel like I'm doing something wrong and being "not normal" again.

 

There are some people who freak out in an unexpected situation, and there are other people who deal with the situation (and may freak out when it's all over, but that's optional).  Apparently you and I are the latter type, and I'm pretty sure there have always been people like us, because how else would civilization have survived one emergency after another?

 

Also, when an unfortunate situation arises, I try to look on the bright side, which drives some people nuts (the same people who tend to freak in an emergency, I think).  That's when I've occasionally been accused of "not caring" -- but once those (brief) situations passed, my accuser calmed down and seemed to think I was OK.  Fortunately, those have generally been pretty minor situations (like the time my boyfriend was mad at me because we were going to be late to a party and I wasn't even worrying!).

 

I suspect that your erstwhile fiance is a panic type (and therefore sees you as "cold").  Unfortunately, he *also* seems to be someone who will do whatever it takes to get his way.  I've dealt with people like that, and I've dealt with panickers, but fortunately they've never been the same people.

 

Regardless of who's right and who's wrong in your situation, I'd say that you and he are two very different people.  You may have interests in common and even a similar worldview, but when the chips are down (which they will be now and then), he's gonna blame you every single time.  Why volunteer to be his whipping girl?

[Van Buren Supernova]

So calm and collected is considered not normal. Eh.. then the normal sounds pretty terrifying then. Call me abnormal anytime, I'd wear it with pride.

 

But I get what you mean and it happens to me too. When something bad or chaotic happen, being calm doesn't mean we are not scared, angry or sad. It's just that we are processing it differently and trying to access the better way to deal with situations than freaking out. Ah..maybe we are too smart.:p

 

That reminds me,

We had just arrived on an island after 8 hours choppy boat journey, barely had any sleep, and about to start the day. It was a leisure budget weekend diving getaway, about five a.m. some people were zombying, some were asleep when we stumbled in the sand finding our way to the cottage. One lady in my group happened to step on some kind of big horned bettle and it clang on her sole, this type doesn't let go easily when it clings on you.

 

You've guessed it, this lady, my senior, probably almost a decade older than me back then, let out blood-curling scream, whined loudly and trance danced around with one foot. Our guys freezed, probably confused, anyway she was wearing short short, and with one leg up, maybe they hesitated a bit to help her. She was hysterical. So I asked her to stop moving and calmed down, while I tried to pry the bettle from her feet. But she wouldn't stop moving and kept being hysterical so I didn't manage to do it. Imagine me trying to keep up with her trance dancing while my ears were treated with that, all the while trying to calm her down nicely.

 

Finally I stopped, and shouted at her face, "Stand still! Calm down!! SHUT UP! SHUT!! UP!!" She was surprised, stopped, looked at me in horror, but it gave me some milliseconds of peace and I got the bettle right away.

 

Although she was grateful, I think she was a bit 'hurt' that I was that rude, I literally shouted and when I shout, I could be very loud. But nah, it worked.

 

So moral of the story.. hmm.. what is it? Maybe calm and collected don't work for normal people, and 'normal' reaction should be dramatic and expressive. Nah.. those suck. I only listen to things that aren't suck.

 

Artemis, one thing I learn here; everytime you feel you are at odd outside, you can always find companion here. Most people here are weirdly wonderful nuts we can relate to. :p

 

In real life, I deal with things like you too, and often find myself the last sane person in the room who can actually get the best solution from the trouble when others busy freaking out. It's their loss, not ours.

[Carol the Dabbler]

Finally I stopped, and shouted at her face, "Stand still! Calm down!! SHUT UP! SHUT!! UP!!" She was surprised, stopped, looked at me in horror, but it gave me some milliseconds of peace and I got the bettle right away.

 

Unfortunately, that does not work on senile old ladies.  It just makes them freak worse.  (Don't ask how I know. )

[Van Buren Supernova]

Oh dear.. can I ask anyway? :p

As long as they listen to you without shouting, then it should be fine. But I guess they don't as well? :p

 

I hate to do that actually, just like I would surely lose if I had to quarrel in market. The kind of quarrel when whoever is the loudest wins, but to win, you have to bring yourself down to their level.

 

I have booming loud voice if I want to use it, but I don't, I can't remember other time I shout like that, well, not counting orientation time when I was senior (shouting is required) and not counting chasing away rascals on the street and bullies, and extorter, and up to no good idiots. And.. and.. Eh... :p

[Carol the Dabbler]

I don't tend to yell at anybody until I get really, really, really frustrated. Then it just kind of happens. (Once in a while, not always.)

[Artemis]

 

I suspect that your erstwhile fiance is a panic type (and therefore sees you as "cold").  Unfortunately, he *also* seems to be someone who will do whatever it takes to get his way.  I've dealt with people like that, and I've dealt with panickers, but fortunately they've never been the same people.

 

Regardless of who's right and who's wrong in your situation, I'd say that you and he are two very different people.  You may have interests in common and even a similar worldview, but when the chips are down (which they will be now and then), he's gonna blame you every single time.  Why volunteer to be his whipping girl?

 

 

I think you hit it on the nose.  He is a panicker and, as I've learned in these past months, he also needs someone to blame.  I'm not sure I can live with being that person for the rest of our lives.  There will only be more emotional crises to deal with in the future.  Life is stress, there's no getting out of it.

 

Right before my trip two weeks ago, there was an incident where he stopped by my house to leave a gift in my mailbox.  The neighbor across the street was suspicious and questioned him about it.  My fiance spent the entire morning text-ranting me about how "mistreated" he felt.  While I told him I was sorry it upset him so much, I also tried to explain my neighbor's suspicion, thinking that understanding the reason behind it might make him feel better and less singled out.  (It's illegal for one thing, but the main reason is that people have been stealing mail from the boxes around here lately.)  But he was only more offended that I was "excusing" my neighbor's behavior.  He felt I wasn't showing him the proper sympathy, and he didn't text me again for about a week after that.  He seemed mad at me and I thought he was taking time to cool off, so I didn't text him either.  But he got mad about that too.  The next week when he started talking to me again, he sent me a bunch more texts and a long, angry email about it all.  On the same day as the mailbox incident, he was out riding his bike, and apparently some woman almost ran into him and then gave him the finger.  So on top of the neighbor thing, he was also angry at me for seeming unconcerned that he "almost died".

 

It didn't really sound to me like he almost died.  =/  I wasn't there, but it sounded more like she just cut him off or something.  I also didn't think that what my neighbor did was all that bad.  Actually I thought it was nice to know that he had an eye on our mailboxes.  If something like that happened to me, I don't think my feelings would be that hurt, or if they were I'd brush it off pretty quickly.  I don't really understand what the big deal was, but according to my fiance, it was a big deal and the fact that I didn't treat it as a bigger deal shows a complete lack of communication and caring towards him.

 

Honestly it feels like a game he's playing sometimes; and whether I engage or not, he's not happy.  No amount of sympathy I show is enough.  I'm tired of him being mad at me, it's exhausting.

 

I think it might have been the straw that broke the camel's back.  I felt like something sort of broke in me after this, and it was a relief to leave for my trip and get away from it for a few days.  I wish I could have been gone longer, I wasn't ready to come back.

 

 

[Artemis]

On a semi-related rant, does anyone else hate "apology presents"?

 

It irritates me to receive gifts during a dispute, before it's been resolved.  Maybe it's because they seem poorly timed, or because they seem to come in lieu of an actual apology, or because it feels like the ulterior motive is to manipulate my feelings and "soften" me.  Or maybe some disputes are just too big for gifts.  I never know how to respond: Am I supposed to act happy and grateful now?  Because gifts don't change a thing about the problem.  I don't even know what it's for anyway, it just seems like a cliche that I've seen in sitcoms about married couples.  I know that some people express love through gift-giving (me sometimes), but if that's the intent then I feel the gifts should be given after we've made amends, not before.

 

Like, I don't want your flowers, I want you to stop being an arse.  Frankly I'd rather chuck them directly into a wood chipper.

 

 

[Carol the Dabbler]

Oh, good heavens, yes!

 

A former boyfriend was interested in something that I had experience with, so he asked me to teach him a little about it.  We agreed that I'd come to his house at a certain time on Saturday morning.  (I'm not generally a morning person, but that seemed to be the only time that was good for him.)  I happened to run into him around midnight Friday, and we parted saying "See you in the morning."

 

So I got to his house and rang the bell.  And rang the bell.  And rang the bell.  Finally he came to the door in his bathrobe, looking bewildered and saying "I have company" (clearly NOT referring to me!).  I just stared at him, and finally he did a face-palm and said "Oh -- it's Saturday morning."  (Duh!)  I was pretty pissed, but agreed to return on a different day, and left.

 

About the time I got back home, there was a florist truck pulling into the driveway.  I thought oh shit, he's sent me flowers.  Which was indeed the case.  It was a beautiful, large bouquet, which must have cost him a fortune, and the card said "Please forgive me."  I wasn't exactly angry, more like disgusted.  I did keep the flowers -- it wasn't their fault -- but it wasn't at all the same as having flowers that actually meant something.

[Fantasy Lover]

It's not really an apology present, more like an attempt to buy my love. Which doesn't work, at all.