Shoot the Wall (A.K.A. The Rant Thread)

[Pseudonym]

It's my birthday on Friday. :( Can I opt out of ageing now?

[Arcadia]

If you find out how that's done, please let me know. Please please please? I'll give you a cookie.

 

Meanwhile, happy birthday! May it only come once a year.   

 

[Pseudonym]

Thank you. And yes, if it speeds up to the point where I have several a year I will be most unimpressed. 

[J.P.]

Mine is even sooner. (don't tell anybody!)

I took this week free, the only celebration I can endure. Mostly want to hide from the ado at work.

Well, as they say, growing up is optional anyway.

[Fantasy Lover]

Sodding heat

[J.P.]

And I'm living under a poorly isolated roof. Thanks god for the cellar :D

[Pseudonym]

 

LOL!

 

For a rant - I have the feeling I'm being completely and utterly taken advantage of at work by my brother, but since he is an a-hole and completely impossible to talk to I'm not quite sure what to do about it. 

[Arcadia]

Hm. That is a disadvantage of working for relatives. I don't suppose you know anyone who does communicate easily with your brother? Always my first thought, find someone who seems to get along with the "problem" person, and ask them how they communicate. Sometimes it helps.
 
And if it bothers you enough, sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet and have the talk, and deal with the fallout later. :( Hard, but worth it if you're miserable in your job. Been there, I feel for ya.

[Pseudonym]

Annoying thing is I don't mind the job, I just mind him. I don't think anyone communicates with him very easily unfortunately. 

[Van Buren Supernova]

Happy birthday? (now you guys saying that means it's my fault if I don't give a wish :P)

Soo...... wish you guys a big parteee, a lot of hugs and kisses, picture opportunities and real time uploads in social networking!!

Mahahhahahahhaha

 

 

 

 

P.S. About work, yah, maybe the productive way is just talk to him. Think about what the worst that can happen, and if you are ready with the worst scenario, go for it.

I always have problem talking and saying what I'm not unhappy about at work (not the work itself) and many times I walked out. I realized a lot of things can be fixed with talks, although I'm very bad with that, I wish I tried that first.

[Artemis]

I went out today and spent about an hour in the scented candle aisle at the store.  I came home with three candles I couldn't really afford, but they were so nice, and my house needs to destinkify.  This is why I don't go to book stores anymore, because I'm the same way about books.  And pet stores...

On Friday I got back from a little road trip, but I haven't quite adjusted to being back yet.  I needed the time away more than I even realized.

It's been a rough few months.  Well, a rough year, really.  Last June, the man I was engaged to was in a bad car accident.  As a result, I ended up finding out that he had lied to me about his last name, his age, and much of his background.  There may be more I'm still unaware of.  Suddenly I found myself not really knowing who I was engaged to, and it was devastating.  In a way it felt as if the man I'd known had died.  It broke my heart, and I wasn't sure what to do.  I was just kind of in shock for awhile.  He didn't know that I knew, and for five months I let it go and said nothing, for various reasons (one being that there was damage to his mouth after the accident, which left him unable to speak for some time).

When I did finally approach him about it, his reaction was not good.  I was hoping he'd be remorseful and understanding, but instead he became angry and talked over me, deflected, and blamed me.  Then he stormed out, before I had the chance to say hardly any of what I'd wanted to say.  After that I told him I needed some time and space to think things over, which he agreed to give me, but ultimately didn't.  Two days later, he was texting and emailing me verbal attacks nonstop, still deflecting and blaming me, in between panicking and begging me to stay with him.  He wouldn't stop and listen when I tried to communicate how I felt, it just continued.  After that I started to close up, and he became increasingly angry and at least borderline verbally abusive, if not all-out.  And then he started telling me to seek therapy for my "communication issues".  Which I have actually done, because I'm in this alone and I needed an outsider's view.  I thought maybe we could still work it out.

Anyway, this has continued all year so far.  He'll be nice for awhile, and then he'll have another outburst that lasts a week or so.  The latest was right before my trip last week.  In February he broke up with me because of my "communication issues", but when I didn't beg him not to leave me, he wanted to deny the break-up and be together again.  He wants me to chase him, I think, but that's not something I'm going to do.  He's avoided the real issue and I still don't know why he lied to me.  I don't know what else he might have hidden or told me about himself just because he thought it was what I wanted to hear.  We were together 3 years before this came out, and I'd never seen this side of him before.  After everything that's happened to me, especially concerning men, I took a major leap of faith when I entered a relationship with him.  If he hadn't been in that accident, how long would it have been before I discovered the truth?  Year 5?  Year 10?  On our wedding day?  How was he expecting to marry me with these secrets?  I don't know how I can trust another person again after this.

I am admittedly not handling it very well, as I don't honestly know what to do.  I don't know whether to stay or to go.  I love(d) him deeply, but that doesn't mean staying with him is best.  I'm always so forgiving of people, I let so much go, so I'm not sure where to draw the line in all this.  He's not completely wrong, I am having trouble communicating, but it's hard to express myself to someone who's going to verbally strike every time I speak, not to mention someone whose "sorries" are all followed by "but...".  (If you want someone's forgiveness, you really shouldn't tell them that you forgive them.)

This situation has pretty much been taking up all of my thoughts and energy for a year.  It's very distracting.  A forum like this probably isn't the best place for this kind of material, but I needed very much to vent somewhere.  I hope it's okay.

 

 

[Van Buren Supernova]

Of course it's okay.

 

Anyway, I have to be honest with you. From your story, it seems like he is emotionally manipulating you. He still keeps the truth from you, which he shouldn't unless what he is trying to hide is something he considers unacceptable to you. It seems like you are a very understanding person, and he knows that, so most probably it's something really not good then, to put it mildly. People make mistake, and there are chances to repeal, to turn it around, but first thing to do is to admit that mistake, being honest and seeking help, which what he is not doing.

 

You are trying to talk to him and he is not having it, I don't see you are the one having communication issue here. Far from that. It's been going on for a year so please don't say you are not trying hard enough and blame yourself. He is trying to blame you and don't buy it.

 

Verbal abuse is not acceptable, especially for someone you plan to spend your life with. You can never be sure what he is actually capable of, there are too many alarming signs: first, he managed to lie to you for 3 years and you only found out by accident. Second, he is not being honest yet now, why? and as you said, there may be more lies. Third and fourth, he is verbally abusive and putting the blame on you for everything. He is manipulating you emotionally by making you feel guilty.

 

Again, I'm not sure if it's my place to give you advice, it may sound harsh, but if you want it, I say it like it is. Leave him. Please.

He doesn't seem to be the man you love anymore, do you even know him at all? It's terrifying to me about how he could be different person for years, that he is capable of putting that mask for so long. It's not right.

 

I have seen two of my friends in quite similar situation. Told them to get out but they didn't. One suffered physical abuse that was escalated from verbal abuse, she is trying for marriage consultancy now but it seems fruitless. The other living in limbo, as in her goal is just to live unhappily day by day for the sake of her children. And both husband didn't show any/that much alarming signs before that.

 

I don't know you outside this forum, but I genuinely hope you well.

Please try to get out from this dangerous situation and start a new life without him, noone deserve to be like this and you have tried enough. It must had been a hellish year and I must say, if I were you, I probably wouldn't last a week or two before I bolted.

So listen, imho, you have tried enough and it's not you who have problem despite what he says.

But he seems like someone who will not let you go easily, so please look for people who can support you and help you should you be in any danger. You can never be too safe.

Please take care.

 

Wish I could be more help.

[J.P.]

I know it hurts and your brain is trying to convince you to stay. But what I read in your post feels to me like you need a confirmation for something you decided already, but are too scared to do.

 

Just imagine you were already married to him - someone you don't know at all.

 

I hope you don't mind me writing this.

[Fantasy Lover]

I went out today and spent about an hour in the scented candle aisle at the store. I came home with three candles I couldn't really afford, but they were so nice, and my house needs to destinkify.

I had that same problem with my toilet, a scented stick helped.

 

It's been a rough few months. Well, a rough year, really. Last June, the man I was engaged to was in a bad car accident. As a result, I ended up finding out that he had lied to me about his last name, his age, and much of his background. There may be more I'm still unaware of. Suddenly I found myself not really knowing who I was engaged to, and it was devastating. In a way it felt as if the man I'd known had died.

I know how that feels, both the lying and mourning.

 

If he hadn't been in that accident, how long would it have been before I discovered the truth? Year 5? Year 10? On our wedding day? How was he expecting to marry me with these secrets? I don't know how I can trust another person again after this.

I'm so sorry you're going through this :hug:

 

I am admittedly not handling it very well, as I don't honestly know what to do.

that's pretty normal, don't worry.

[Pseudonym]

It doesn't sound healthy or normal, the fact he is trying to turn around what he's done wrong onto you is not a good sign. You've tried, you've been to therapy, but it sounds like you are trying a lot harder than him. Playing games like breaking up with you, and then getting back together, leaving in the hope you'll beg him to stay - it sounds just like emotional abuse to me. The fact he still hasn't explained why he was lying or what else he might be hiding, it can't be good. Obviously it's not my place to say, but it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and you're better off out of it. It sounds like he's grinding you down and at the end of the day you have to ask yourself - does he make you happy now? If the answer is no, and it sounds like it is, then you're best moving on. 

 

As for talking about it on here, that's what I love about this forum - there are the Sherlock parts and then there are all the threads like this that have nothing to do with Sherlock at all. I don't think anyone minds you coming on here and venting if you need to. 

 

 

[SherlockedCAMPer]

I went out today and spent about an hour in the scented candle aisle at the store. I came home with three candles I couldn't really afford, but they were so nice, and my house needs to destinkify. This is why I don't go to book stores anymore, because I'm the same way about books. And pet stores...

 

On Friday I got back from a little road trip, but I haven't quite adjusted to being back yet. I needed the time away more than I even realized.

 

It's been a rough few months. Well, a rough year, really. Last June, the man I was engaged to was in a bad car accident. As a result, I ended up finding out that he had lied to me about his last name, his age, and much of his background. There may be more I'm still unaware of. Suddenly I found myself not really knowing who I was engaged to, and it was devastating. In a way it felt as if the man I'd known had died. It broke my heart, and I wasn't sure what to do. I was just kind of in shock for awhile. He didn't know that I knew, and for five months I let it go and said nothing, for various reasons (one being that there was damage to his mouth after the accident, which left him unable to speak for some time).

 

When I did finally approach him about it, his reaction was not good. I was hoping he'd be remorseful and understanding, but instead he became angry and talked over me, deflected, and blamed me. Then he stormed out, before I had the chance to say hardly any of what I'd wanted to say. After that I told him I needed some time and space to think things over, which he agreed to give me, but ultimately didn't. Two days later, he was texting and emailing me verbal attacks nonstop, still deflecting and blaming me, in between panicking and begging me to stay with him. He wouldn't stop and listen when I tried to communicate how I felt, it just continued. After that I started to close up, and he became increasingly angry and at least borderline verbally abusive, if not all-out. And then he started telling me to seek therapy for my "communication issues". Which I have actually done, because I'm in this alone and I needed an outsider's view. I thought maybe we could still work it out.

 

Anyway, this has continued all year so far. He'll be nice for awhile, and then he'll have another outburst that lasts a week or so. The latest was right before my trip last week. In February he broke up with me because of my "communication issues", but when I didn't beg him not to leave me, he wanted to deny the break-up and be together again. He wants me to chase him, I think, but that's not something I'm going to do. He's avoided the real issue and I still don't know why he lied to me. I don't know what else he might have hidden or told me about himself just because he thought it was what I wanted to hear. We were together 3 years before this came out, and I'd never seen this side of him before. After everything that's happened to me, especially concerning men, I took a major leap of faith when I entered a relationship with him. If he hadn't been in that accident, how long would it have been before I discovered the truth? Year 5? Year 10? On our wedding day? How was he expecting to marry me with these secrets? I don't know how I can trust another person again after this.

 

I am admittedly not handling it very well, as I don't honestly know what to do. I don't know whether to stay or to go. I love(d) him deeply, but that doesn't mean staying with him is best. I'm always so forgiving of people, I let so much go, so I'm not sure where to draw the line in all this. He's not completely wrong, I am having trouble communicating, but it's hard to express myself to someone who's going to verbally strike every time I speak, not to mention someone whose "sorries" are all followed by "but...". (If you want someone's forgiveness, you really shouldn't tell them that you forgive them.)

 

This situation has pretty much been taking up all of my thoughts and energy for a year. It's very distracting. A forum like this probably isn't the best place for this kind of material, but I needed very much to vent somewhere. I hope it's okay.

I second all of the others with it being an unhealthy relationship. Get away from him and be prepared to move if necessary. Verbal/emotional abuse can turn physical without warning. If he's lied to you about his name, there's always the chance that he's in another relationship he still hasn't told you about, possibly even more than 1.

 

If you're anywhere near the Twin Cities, MN and want to talk in person, feel free to PM me.

[Arcadia]

Artemis, I'm sorry you're going through this. I can only echo what everyone else has said; from this end, it sounds like you need to get away from him. I've always heard women should trust their instincts in relationships, and it sounds like yours is telling you to get out. I'm so sorry.

[Artemis]

 

I know how that feels, both the lying and mourning.

 

 

Have you been through something similar, FL?

 

 

If you're anywhere near the Twin Cities, MN and want to talk in person, feel free to PM me.

 

 

Thank you CAMPer, I appreciate that.

 

 

[Artemis]

Thanks everyone.  Responses are welcome and helpful.  It's a confusing place to be, there's a lot of back and forth with my emotions.  It's not terribly productive having only my own brain and my dogs to bounce thoughts off of, I just keep going in circles.

You're all probably right.  If I were outside the situation and someone were saying to me the same things that I've been saying, I'd see a lot wrong and think they should get out too.  I guess there are a few things that have been holding me back.

For one thing, I second-guess myself and doubt my own judgement in interpersonal situations.  I seem to handle anger very differently than most people I encounter, and I don't always understand emotional reactions directed at me.  I'm not an emotionally expressive person but my (ex-)boyfriend is, so I keep wondering if perhaps I'm having an unrealistic expectation about how he should or shouldn't speak to me when he's angry.  I keep thinking maybe this is just how emotional people act in relationships when they're angry or upset; maybe this is just how relationships are.  In addition, he has some severe anxiety issues due to childhood abuse, and having PTSD myself (among other things) I understand that sometimes you lose control.  But when does it cross the line into "unacceptable"?  Physical abuse would certainly be, but aside from that?  It's hard for me to know where to set those boundaries, as I said before I'm normally just forgiving of most things.  But that's also usually outside the context of a relationship.  My standards are much higher for someone I plan to marry.

I know that how he's acting is bad, and it feels bad.  When he verbally attacks it feels like I'm taking a beating on the inside, and I don't think I should feel that way, especially with him.  But is it more my own fault for feeling that way?  Maybe I should just be stronger?  Maybe I'm overreacting?  He seems to think so.  He says that I'm expecting perfection, that I've ruined the relationship and I'm throwing away everything we had, after all we've been through together, over a couple of "meaningless" lies.  I don't know if he's right.  Should I just "get over it"?

What makes it more confusing is that I've been through some horrors at men's hands, and as much as his behavior hurts, it seems almost mild in comparison to how I've been treated in the past; so it's easy to tell myself it's not really that bad.

Something else holding me back is that he did make me feel loved and very happy for 3 years, which no other man has ever done for me.  I thought he was pretty amazing, and I considered myself quite lucky to have found him and been loved by him.  We had arguments of course, but I never saw this kind of behavior from him until the lies came out.  So it's also easy to tell myself that he'd be the person I knew for 3 years again if his fear were assuaged and the threat of us being apart were no longer hanging over him.

What makes the idea of saying goodbye even harder is that we're the only person in each other's lives.  We've both been isolated and neither of us has any support network to fall back on.  I'm a little afraid to be completely alone in the world again, but I'm far more afraid of leaving him alone in the world again.  I care about him and what happens to him.  He has spoken of killing himself if I leave him, though I suspect that is more emotional manipulation than genuine threat.  But I still worry about what being alone again might do to him.

We were friends for awhile before becoming a couple, and we helped each other out of very dark periods in our lives.  In some way I feel indebted to him for that, like I owe him.  I guess most of all, I want to make certain sure that I've treated him fairly (bearing all his emotional obstacles in mind), and not given up too easily.  He was going to be my husband and I don't feel right about letting go if what I should be doing is staying and fighting for our relationship, but I don't have any clear feeling about which is the best action to take.

He keeps pressuring me for a commitment, but that's not something I feel prepared to give him.  I don't know how I can be expected to recommit when nothing's even been resolved yet.  He hasn't taken much accountability or explained himself.  He's jumping the gun, and I'm tired.  I just wish I had some peace of mind one way or the other.  Nothing feels right.

 

 

[Fantasy Lover]

Have you been through something similar, FL?

I have, I had a friend in high school who became a lying, attention seeking prat. As for the mourning, my dad had a personality shift 8 years ago. I'm grieving the death of a man who's still still alive.

 

For one thing, I second-guess myself and doubt my own judgement in interpersonal situations. I seem to handle anger very differently than most people I encounter, and I don't always understand emotional reactions directed at me. I'm not an emotionally expressive person but my (ex-)boyfriend is, so I keep wondering if perhaps I'm having an unrealistic expectation about how he should or shouldn't speak to me when he's angry. I keep thinking maybe this is just how emotional people act in relationships when they're angry or upset; maybe this is just how relationships are. In addition, he has some severe anxiety issues due to childhood abuse, and having PTSD myself (among other things) I understand that sometimes you lose control. But when does it cross the line into "unacceptable"? Physical abuse would certainly be, but aside from that? It's hard for me to know where to set those boundaries, as I said before I'm normally just forgiving of most things. But that's also usually outside the context of a relationship. My standards are much higher for someone I plan to marry.

people don't react that way normally, whether they're in a relationship or not.

 

I know that how he's acting is bad, and it feels bad. When he verbally attacks it feels like I'm taking a beating on the inside, and I don't think I should feel that way, especially with him. But is it more my own fault for feeling that way? Maybe I should just be stronger? Maybe I'm overreacting? He seems to think so. He says that I'm expecting perfection, that I've ruined the relationship and I'm throwing away everything we had, after all we've been through together, over a couple of "meaningless" lies. I don't know if he's right. Should I just "get over it"?

they're not meaningless lies, he lied about his identity! Also, it's not your fault, and you're definitely not overreacting.

 

What makes it more confusing is that I've been through some horrors at men's hands, and as much as his behavior hurts, it seems almost mild in comparison to how I've been treated in the past; so it's easy to tell myself it's not really that bad.

gosh, that's awful :(.

 

Something else holding me back is that he did make me feel loved and very happy for 3 years, which no other man has ever done for me. I thought he was pretty amazing, and I considered myself quite lucky to have found him and been loved by him. We had arguments of course, but I never saw this kind of behavior from him until the lies came out. So it's also easy to tell myself that he'd be the person I knew for 3 years again if his fear were assuaged and the threat of us being apart were no longer hanging over him.

as someone who's dad had a personality shift 8 years ago I can tell you this: it's not going to happen.

 

What makes the idea of saying goodbye even harder is that we're the only person in each other's lives. We've both been isolated and neither of us has any support network to fall back on. I'm a little afraid to be completely alone in the world again, but I'm far more afraid of leaving him alone in the world again. I care about him and what happens to him. He has spoken of killing himself if I leave him, though I suspect that is more emotional manipulation than genuine threat. But I still worry about what being alone again might do to him.

it is emotional manipulation.

 

We were friends for awhile before becoming a couple, and we helped each other out of very dark periods in our lives. In some way I feel indebted to him for that, like I owe him. I guess most of all, I want to make certain sure that I've treated him fairly (bearing all his emotional obstacles in mind), and not given up too easily. He was going to be my husband and I don't feel right about letting go if what I should be doing is staying and fighting for our relationship, but I don't have any clear feeling about which is the best action to take.

please don't fight for a relationship that is abusive.

[Artemis]

I'm sorry to hear that.  :(

 

 

[Pseudonym]

I'm not great at expressing emotions or understanding others reactions either, so I understand that. I also understand the fear of being isolated, at the moment I am fortunate that I have my parents, but there are things I can't talk to them about and when they are gone I will be very much alone. I have extended family but I am not close enough to them to matter. Are there any groups you can join to help give you a support system? I know that's easier said than done, but perhaps it could help you. 

 

The fact that you are not emotionally expressive is something he should work to understand, the same way you are working to understand him. It's the way you are wired and you shouldn't feel (or be made to feel) ashamed about that. He knew you were like that when you were together, and he shouldn't expect that to change now. As for wondering if that is just how relationships are meant to be - anything that makes you feel unhappy or unsafe isn't right. Arguments are natural, but being made to feel so unhappy for such a long time - it's not healthy and you shouldn't have to put up with it. 

 

To me it sounds like now you have seen this side of him there is no going back, especially when he is still lying/omitting information. The natural thing to do was expect him to apologise and explain, and his reacting the way he did and blaming it on you is just not reasonable. Putting pressure on you, when he is the one who has done wrong, it's not fair. You shouldn't be pressured to commit. And no, you shouldn't just 'get over it,' I wouldn't be able to get over lies like that and I doubt many women could. He says you are overreacting and expecting perfection - everything you've said sounds perfectly reasonable to me, you've given this decision time that a lot of people wouldn't. Being treated badly in the past doesn't mean you should put up with a milder form of it now, you deserve to be loved and respected, and the way he is treating you is not right. Feeling like you are taking an emotional beating when he verbally attacks you is so wrong it makes me feel sick for you. 

 

Of course you are conflicted what to do, and worried about what might happen to him if you do decide to end things. You've been through a lot together and meant a lot to each other, but there comes a point where there is no going back.

 

I think what it all boils down to is this - do you think you could ever go back to being happy with him the way you once were? Could you trust him again? Could you feel safe with him?

 

I'm not sure how much help we can be on here, but please feel free to keep talking and venting if you need to. 

 

[Arcadia]

I can't add anything to what Fantasy and Pseud have said, except that I share their concerns. And yes, vent all you need to. That often helps clarify your thinking.

 

Fantasy, hugs for you too. Mental health issues are so hard for the family. :(

[Van Buren Supernova]

Agree with what the rest said, especially Pseud's.

I have to be honest with you though, and it's probably not pleasant to hear.

Your story, the way you tell it and the way you look at it, is the same stories that I've read/heard countless times before, stories that are told by domestic violence victims. Stories that make many, maybe including you when you were not in their position, wonder, why someone could be so trapped in their situations.

The inclination to blame themselves; thinking that maybe, maybe it's on them, maybe if they face it better, maybe if they are stronger, maybe it's their fault not to try harder. Maybe they didn't try hard enough. Maybe they didn't understand the other party enough...

And the indication of living in the past; he used to be good to me, I used to be happy, it's merely a phase, we could get back the life that we used to have.

And the weariness of being alone; the fear for taking the step, having changes, being alone. It's the devil you know vs you don't situation.

And, the one that I think is the worst; the other person threaten to commit suicide, guilt trip, that you are responsible should anything happen.

Sadly, for those that I've heard, most victims were going through countless circles of those and it's almost impossible for them (at least they think that) to get out, especially to get out by themselves. Each time it gets worse, each times they convinced themselves that it'd work. But even themselves know it's hollow but yet, denials because they feel trapped, there is no good way out anyway. Luckily, some did, they survived to tell the stories and most of them went on to become stronger.

I know being alone is scary, well of course, but it's better to be alone than be unhappy in a relationship, don't you think? Especially something that could endanger your mental and possibly, physical wellbeing. Verbal abuse could be more damaging most times. It gets lonely, it gets shitty, but there are always companionship if you really seek them. Not necessary with human, not necessary with someone you meet face to face, maybe you find it unexpectedly, maybe they would find you. Keep yourself busy with something you love. Volunteer at dog shelter, if you love dogs, there are wonderful people there, at least you have something in common for a start. It doesn't have to be romantic, right? Someone, something to make you think it's worth getting up daily. You could pick up new hobbies, and if financially permit, take a break and visit some place nice. I love to go around unpopular undeveloped places with nice nature and observe people leading less complicated lives yet happy and grateful for it. In a way, it reminds me of how many little things actually matters, and you wouldn't feel that alone.

Being alone could be great opportunity actually, and we introverts have better talent at it. No one says it'd be easy, especially if you get used to not being alone. But it not always sucks, give it a chance. A lot of people find happiness in solitude.

And don't think that you have a better 'deal' because you suffered from worse relationships before. Don't punish yourself by thinking that you don't deserve better ones just because you haven't found it. Like you said yourself, you have to have higher standard for someone you want to spend your life with.

I know your follow up stories are meant to let us know that maybe the situation is not that bad. I don't know about others, but that works in opposite way for me. It sounds worse because it kind of confirm the extent of emotional manipulations.

If, if you keep thinking of the old life you have, the reality is, you don't have it NOW. If he tries to convince you that you do, he has to show it NOW. Make changes, try harder, solve problems, quit blaming others, stop lying, make efforts, admit mistakes. It needs two hands to clap.

Otherwise maybe, just maybe, he shouldn't be with you now, he could try again in the future when he mends his way, but for now, it is not.

He doesn't deserve you now. It's hellish situation and you deserve happiness. You know that, try to believe it more.

At the end of the day, even if you see some reasons in what we are saying, the truth is it's all depends on you.

You are in charge in your own happiness, and you are the only one with enough power to work for that. But we are here for support and lending ears. As said, don't hesitate to vent. We are here.

[Carol the Dabbler]

Artemis, I agree with what everyone else has said, and have very little to add except this: that whole "him forgiving you" thing sounds so much like a former (thank God!!!) boyfriend of mine.

 

We carried on a long-distance relationship for about six months (lots of letters and phone calls, plus each visited the other's town), then decided that I'd move near him in the spring.  But I lost my job in the fall and decided to move in November.  He didn't argue with that (but didn't sound all excited either).  I had a month to pack all my stuff.  A week before I was set to leave, I got a letter from him saying that he was *also* in love with somebody else, but I should go ahead and move to his town so he could more easily decide between us.  As you can imagine, I was pretty upset by this, so I phoned and made sure I hadn't misinterpreted his letter.  I let him know I wasn't happy, but I didn't blame him or yell at him or anything.  So anyhow, a few days later I got a letter from him, saying that he forgave me.  I thought that sounded pretty high-handed, but didn't say anything.  I didn't want to rock the boat because (at least on paper) we had a lot in common.

 

From his description of the other woman, I figured I was way more his type, so I wasn't particularly worried about losing him.  Anyhow, I went ahead and moved all my stuff a thousand miles.  Then two days later, he dumped me for her.  Only -- get this -- he didn't bother to tell me.  He kept taking me out to dinner a few times a week, but didn't act romantic.  I kept feeling like something was wrong, but he just said he was still making up his mind.  Then on Christmas Eve, I was at his house and happened to notice some of her stuff in his bedroom.  When confronted, he admitted that he'd been involved with her.  I asked "Why didn't you tell me?"  He said "I didn't want to ruin your Christmas."  I said "You idiot, if you'd told me, I could already have gotten on with my life!"  He said "That's odd, my ex-wife said the same thing."

 

In hindsight, I was an idiot not to dump *him* (and far sooner).  I guess I was worried that I wasn't getting any younger, and if I lost him, I might never find another man.  (Frankly, I think I'd have been better off with no man at all than with him!)  As it turned out, though, he was responsible for me meeting Alex a few years later, and we've been together a good many years now, so I guess it all turned out just fine eventually.

 

If I could give you just one piece of advice, it'd be this:  Whatever you do, don't marry the guy thinking it'll make things better.  People are on their best behavior during courtship, so what you see now is what you'd get -- at best.  If you don't break it off, at least keep your options open.

 

Good luck, and please feel free to discuss the matter here, any time you like.